Letting go

[honeybera]

Hi to anyone still reading this...!

I am beginning to really appreciate the cheerfulness and utter JOY that I am experiencing lately. Without the constant reminders of my supposed "worthlessness" and "stupidity" IMPOSED on me since birth from MD, I am feeling more and more solid and composed and downright HAPPY! I witnessed tonight the miracle of seeds. Yes, seeds. You poke them into the ground (which I did several days ago in big pots), gave them water, and a few days later little plants begin to form! WOW!! I have several little squash plants that have pushed up out there! And I planted one of my blueberry plants, the Pink Icing one, and tomorrow I will plant the Peach Sorbet one in its own pot. And more and more plants, too! And it satisfies something in my soul, like I can almost hear something inside me saying, "YES, I CAN!!"

And not once did I hear my idiotic mother shriek at me something negative or downgrading!! In fact, I'm hearing less and less of her lately, even in my own head!! And I'm finding that the expression, "What you are is your parent's fault, but if you STAY that way, it's YOUR fault!" rings true. I used to HATE that expression. It felt like I was being blamed for something, like even my abuse was MY FAULT, and that was VERY uncomfortable for me. But now I see it as something completely different. It's all in how I view things. I AM responsible for my own happiness and actions. I'm not infallible! I make mistakes all the time. But but BUT! I am also the one who can forgive myself and accept myself and my occasional foibles as NOT life-ending or "UNFORGIVABLE"! I have learned that I have as much right as the next guy to have forgiveness given, especially by myself.

I cannot wait until morning to go visit my tiny squash plants and see how they're doing. I've got 4 strong "Eight Ball" round zucchinis and one "Custard", a really fancy yellow patty pan. These seeds were from 2015, and still they bravely pushed forth and will probably give me more squash than I can handle. I'm probably going to take my little backyard wagon and donate some around the neighborhood like I did when I was a kid, or I can "sell" (barter) them to the local health food store. And if some snails eat them to the ground, I'll plant some MORE seeds. I'll be damned if anyone is going to make me feel bad about myself ever again!!!!! Life is too darned short for that kind of nonsense.

THANK YOU, isurvive.org, FOR GIVING ME THIS FORUM/THREAD TO SPEAK MY MIND AND HEAL UP ON!!! I don't know what I'd do without you!!!! Maybe I should buy another couple of coffee mugs from you?? Sort of pay my dues?

Morning comes early. Nighty night...!

Honeybera

[dancingfish]

So lovely to hear you "thriving", Honeybera! You and DS seem to be looking after yourselves more and more each day. Personally I find your gardening, WOE and healing process inspiring - thank you for sharing it! Wishing you well. :)

[honeybera]

Thank you, dancingfish!! I'm so glad that my lovelier-by-the-day garden inspires you! It's healing me, too. Just today I was standing there thinking about what to do next and I noticed a bright, shiny, salmon-red dragonfly perched quietly on the cucumber support. He was just sitting there and they're usually so skittish, so I just held still and watched him. Then I decided to get back to my raking the dirt...and he still stayed! It's like he was watching me, too. How can that not make me happy and content? All my dogs are out there being dogs and happy to be around me. And now I have 14 little squash plants popping their heads up and I also spotted some tiny cucumbers (and I mean REALLY tiny!) among the many yellow cuke flowers just beginning to crawl up their support trellis. It's SO PLEASANT out there!! Oh, and we have ducks and geese, too, flying overhead and birds singing...I just love it! It's the peaceful place I've always dreamed of...and I can be at peace in it! YAY!!

Tomorrow I have to go get a lot more potting soil and then some bales of fresh straw to cover up the dirt I just raked smooth. Once the straw is spread over the dirt (weed deterrent), I'll place my already filled pots over there near the raised beds on top of the straw and finish putting those other as-yet-unplanted veggies into big 20-30 gallon pots. It's all beginning to take shape in my mind...and then I make it a reality.

I'm trying to get this all done before this weekend when the temps soar up to 102ºF!! That's when I just water what I have and work inside. But I have lots of projects going inside, too. That computer room is FIRST! The old Winner's Only rolltop desk needs some work (mostly clearing off) before it's ready to be sold. We've decided (so far) to sell another old desk and a bookcase that are already out in the garage. The increased room that we make out there in the garage with the desks and bookcase gone can accommodate DS's new punching bag and stand (that he's been asking for for years now!!) for him to blow off steam as needed. GOOD! Sounds like a plan to me and a healthy way to do so! Out with the old and in with the new!

I was planning to begin with the Mystery Boxes - but haven't really addressed them quite yet. I did get one down (that was about to fall down) and gingerly peeked inside: it was a bunch of JUNK! I have been storing JUNK out there for the last 17 yrs. while creating a Cootie Condo!! So once my dear garden is in and thriving, those boxes are next, along with the Computer Room inside when the weather is just too hot for the garage work. And that's my plan...

I'll tell you what...I would not EVER EVER EVER tell MD what I'm doing!! What she doesn't know won't hurt her, but if she got wind of it, she would ponder it and scheme and try to ruin it for me somehow. She's done this all my life. Just pure cussed MEAN, she is!!! But I don't HAVE TO tell her, now do I? The more that I do GOOD for me, the better off I am. I wish her no ill; I really mean that! BUT BUT BUT I also love ME, and to clue her in on my life and what I'm doing would be sadly counterproductive for me, a tipping of my hand, so to speak. So my only possibility for true happiness is to exclude her, and that's really her loss, not mine. I am truly happy gazing at the geese honking and flying overhead while I'm standing in my garden with my dogs at my feet, longing for a scratch behind the ears or a gentle touch from me, and watching the bright red dragonfly perched on the cucumber trellis while MD sits alone in her room at the nursing home where my DB abandoned her and took her money. WOW. But that is her reality. I really wish we could have a closer relationship, but I dare not, not if I want my own golden years to be happy. It took me a long, long time to understand that and finally just walk away from her and whatever it is that makes her so NUTS! I can't save her, but I sure as heck can save ME!!

Time to eat! I made some kick-ass Keto almond flour muffins last night with chocolate chunks and flavored with Princess Cake flavoring. OMG! SOOO GOOD!! The entire house smelled like a bakery! DS said they were the best ever, and they came right out of my new muffin pan. NO sticking in the pan like my old pan! NICE!! It's funny - I haven't eaten in over 24 hrs. and I'm just "sort of" hungry. I think I'll just scramble some eggs with butter and heavy whipping cream and have that leftover "Smashed Mexican Cauliflower" with extra cheese, and a muffin. That's all I really want. I am SO BLESSED!! And SO GRATEFUL! I have been given the ANSWER to my weight loss dilemma and so has my son. Never hungry, easy to do, and I'm very happy. I went to sleep last night watching BeALoser on YouTube (a series on keto and Intermittent Fasting, patiently and precisely explained - with recipes!! Right up my alley!!), set my sleep timer on my TV, and drifted off. What a life!!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Thinking of you and your son Honeybera. You've made some huge decisions. May all go well in every respect. Much caring

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur! So nice to hear from you! And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Seriously! {{{{{Fleur}}}}} I also hope that you are doing better, too. Rough patch for you and I hope it's behind you. As you well know, I wish you every happiness.

The last couple of days have been trying for me. My cell phone crapped out on me, and then my internet connection. Even DS got grumpy with me when I asked for help in the garden. I try to do the lion's share of the work out there, but some things are just past my pay grade! (Way too strenuous for me.) But when he took that sour and condescending attitude with me, I calmly but firmly explained how it is to him and he lightened right up - and I was sort of proud of how I handled that (instead of losing my temper and yelling - MUCH better solution to explain how I FELT).

He's also rather condescending when it comes to the tech side of things, especially the computer/internet. I don't think that he really "gets it" re: my advanced age and how often I actually DO fix my own tech problems, but sometimes it's just past me and I need help. I should not have to be treated like dirt (or worse: STUPID) just to get some help on a problem that I don't have an answer to.

And without you guys on here, I have no one to even "talk" to (except for DS himself). I was asked the other day online for a password: What is your best friend's name? I was shocked and saddened when I realized that I have not one personal "best friend" f2f. NOT ONE! No church, no social clubs, I don't even drink so even bars are out (blessedly). For weeks on end, I SEE NO ONE but my DS. Sometimes even months on end. I'm dressed as I write this, but being dressed is rare for me. Even for grocery shopping. I often give DS a list and he goes. I don't even go out to see a T anymore.

And I have issues that hurt. DS fixed the internet connection and he said it was even tough for him to do, and now I'm back on, but it scared me (with both phone and internet out) just how isolated I am. Also my poor old Ms. T had what looked like seizures last night. DS insisted that we just leave her "alone in her own world". This morning (as I often do lately) checked to make sure she wasn't dead. I find her out in the backyard on her side, unresponsive, or in her bed in the garage, twitching violently, and it frightens me. Brave little once-scrappy dog now a stumbling mess. She sort of knows us, but not really. It's not her fault that she's slowly dying, but it's killing me to watch it happen, day after day. She has periods of recognition, and then she lapses into oblivion again. SO SAD for me! I'm trying to be happy, and I'm SO glad she's still with us, but I've tired of having her "die" in front of me, only to find that she's ok, just unresponsive again. So hard. I love that old demented dog so much!!!

I am about to take the pickup and go get a whole bunch of potting soil at a local nursery so I can finish up the garden and get everything growing. I'm going to use up the 2 hay bales I already have to go underneath the pots once they're filled. If I need more, I'll get more, maybe next week. I'm going to try with all my strength to see the glass half full again. So now is the time to go get the potting soil. Today my dear dog is ok and my son is in his room and our internet connection is fixed. I need to count my blessings and quit dwelling on the negative stuff!!! He really needs that punching bag set up out in the garage. To mess with his conflicted (and potentially ornery) mother at this time is unwise.

Off to the truck...(thank God I have you guys and this outlet!!)

Honeybera

[honeybera]

My entire post just got erased.

Just as well. I was in the process of mourning for my poor old faithful dog, Ms. T...well, more like a pre-mourning since she's not gone yet, but it's just a matter of time. I keep seeing her out in the yard, collapsed and laying on her side, looking like she's finally dead, and I begin to mourn and cry, and then she jolts upright and awake, and I breathe a sigh of relief. This happens several times a day and is really wearing on my otherwise cheerful and delighted outlook (garden looks better by the day, I'm losing weight, house is getting cleaner and more organized, etc.)

But it was a really sad post, too, so although it's erased on here, it's deep in my heart where it should be.

As I approach Ms. T's loss, I'm also really realizing just how much of a positive influence my beloved grandparents had on me in my first 5 yrs. when we lived on their property. If I have a shred of kindness in my soul, it came from their examples. They had little influence re: MD and her sister, my Aunt M who were adopted when they were 5 and 7, respectively. Aunt M. turned out ok, a little sheepish in fact, and very loving and a caretaker, but MD was a spitfire, always was and always will be. DOMINATE!! And mean and conniving. Her nickname was PeeWee Fighting Cock, a name she was unquestionably proud of! I was super lucky: got my grandparents for grandparents (and excellent role models they BOTH were!!) and I learned love and kindness and thoughtfulness of others from them, but I ALSO got a ramrod strength of feistiness and shrewdness from MD that I used whenever necessary to protect myself from her. Naturally, this frustrated her constantly, especially the shrewdness which she saw as underhanded and defiant. She used to call me a "conniver" (and worse), when in reality, she had taught me how and I learned from the best! She also complained that she could not "break my spirit". Oh THANK GOD!!!

But my kindness and joy and happiness while doing the simple chores of life are absolutely and directly attributable to my grandparents. What gentle people they were, and so in love with each other. Even in her eventual dementia, my GM would take her dresses out of the closet and crisscross them across my GP so he "wouldn't be cold". She did it with blankets, too, so the family came over and took away all of her quilts, so she resorted to her dresses in the closet. She loved him and didn't want him cold. I lived in the little cottage out back at the time and was their caretaker, so I was quite close to this, unlike the rest of the family who never came over. My Aunt M lived about 10 mi. away, but MD lived about 100 mi. away. Both of them abandoned my grandparents to me and they both just didn't want any waves on their ponds. They loved to say, "YOU handle it, Honey!! We can't come!!" I remember saying, "I have all of the responsibility with none of the authority." I was in my mid-20s. It was 1973-74. I did my best for my grandparents, I really did.

Since my GP was both senile and non-ambulatory with an indwelling catheter and blind, it got me interested in Nursing as a career, and hence, my college studies later in the late 70s and early 80s. (I also got training for a CNA [Certified Nursing Assistant] and worked as one after my grandparent's passing.) It was also a tremendous responsibility to have forced on me. GM slowly sank into what the doctor called "Senile Dementia", but what's now called Alzheimer's. So TWO patients, both with dementia, one in a wheelchair (and I did the lifting!), both needing 24 hr. a day care, and only me to do it, PLUS I was a single parent of a kindergartner. All of this was done for only "room" (the tiny cottage out in back) - not even board! And the family had taken the checkbook, too! So no money either. A tough time in my life, but would do it again for my grandparents!!!!!!!

Y'know, these are difficult things to remember...BUT. It's also good to remember. I look at where I am at now, homeowner, nice income, good health (beginning)...and I am GRATEFUL!!! MD did NOT win!!!! I may have been injured in that old battle, but I didn't die and am now healing up. I hope I gave back to my grandparents that which they needed. I tried to give to MD, but I don't use the same currency as she does, so I gave up after a mere 70 yrs. She is brother dearest's problem now.

I think I'll call dear cousin R tonight or sometime over the weekend. DS is very anxious to get back together with them. They are part of the rejected family, too, except with each other, and I would NOT mind joining up with them and their very close group!! They are fun and nice and all good things and they know how to have good clean fun. They love to go boating, too. I am only concerned that R's sons (35-50 yrs. old) won't accept my 30 yr. old son, and that would just crush him at this time. I mean CRUSH HIM! DS says that he no longer has ANY family but me.

So I think that's why I've been dragging my feet calling cousin R. However, DS has cut off his waist length hair and now no longer looks like a long-haired dope fiend, so perhaps that will help. I haven't seen R's son S since S was 4 yrs. old! I've never met his son B. These are literally my son's cousins (on my side), and his last chance to have "family". His entire family on his father's side have completely rejected him due to his ethnicity (I'm white and DS looks white - in fact, he looks just like me, but he's really ½ Hispanic). So do I risk it? I think I'm afraid, too, but cousin R is SO nice. I just hope that his sons are, too, and will accept my son as one of their own.

Ah, 7pm...and half the yard is shaded! "Only" 95ºF right now...SO "COOL"! I absolutely have to move some straw bales in the wagon over to the shaded area for the pots to go on. If not now, then in the morning...and I haven't been very good about doing yard work at 6 AM so far. So I'm going out there. Just the two bales of straw and two or three big bags of potting soil that I bought yesterday. (YES, I DID! And then went to the grocery store and got a bunch of 79¢/lb. chicken thighs to bag up tonight. I'm proud of me for that!!!) I just need to tote those bags and bales into the backyard, drop them off in their appropriate places, and then do it again as soon as the sun's back up. Tomorrow's heat: 103ºF!!!!! So I need to get up early and keep doing this. Lots and lots to do yet.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Seems like you and son need some single space at times. I really hope that your cousin R and family include you both in their plans this summer. Also once punching bag is set up I'm trusting son shall treat you with more respect. Sometimes I think I mistreated my mother because I didn't have any other outlets

Get the premourning. You recall how Ms To was when younger. I guess some of your emotions relate to her loss of capabilities. Perhaps also related to your grandparents and their incapacity?

May your contact with your cousin R and also with your grandson go very well


Much caring

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur...taking a break from all sorts of errands ATM, including keto friendly foods from the store. I'm going to do some weedeating soonish, both front and back yards. Been a busy girl today.

Seems like you and son need some single space at times.

Oh, I think everyone does from time to time. But I agree that we do, and luckily this house is big enough to give us both that space needed. This will especially be true in a month or two when the garage is clean and he can have his body punching bag out there and can even practice his martial arts skills there, too. And he can begin to set up his D&D games in the front room on a set night with his friends and with him as the Dungeon Master. I already promised to fix them all homemade and tasty Keto friendly treats for their game, much to DS's delight. Then I can retreat to my room and even sleep in peace since I'll be all the way from the front of the house (front room/aka D&D gaming room set up with its own table and lots of couches and seating areas + next to the kitchen) to the back of the house (my room) away from them and their noise. Fine with me! A sweet deal for everyone!

==================================================(8pm)
Just ran out of plastic wire on the weedeater. I can put it back on myself, but I need a bit of a rest after weedeating the front yard (ALL of it!! ). It's light out for about another ½ hr. and I'm going to tidy up the street weeds, too, which the dear City says is OUR responsibility! AND the sidewalk, too! Worse than an HOA, I swear!

Luckily, I now have the strength and fortitude to do it, albeit with a rest or two in between, usually to fix the weedeater for more action. The backyard weedeating is up next and will be done tomorrow morning first thing! Then haul more huge 3 cu ft. bags of potting soil, mix it with a few sacks of humus and some fertilizer and azomite and blood meal and fish bone meal and shovel it into my waiting pots and planters and PLANT MY UNPLANTED THINGS! BEFORE JULY 1st - like I did last year. I'll get the timing right on this "time to plant" stuff yet!! I'm making a whole new spot in new planters (also need filling) for herbs of all kinds - some in shade, some in morning sun. I'm hoping that they do well. I'm clearing the area near the fence by the dog's yard, and although it's sort of cleared of the junk that was there, it still needs a good weedeating and laying down of straw underneath (for weed reduction). How nice to just go out right outside of my WOW and pick some fresh organic herbs for my keto meals as needed!

I need to go back and finish up the front. Losing light...and then have to put away the groceries! Good grief! (Don't let me kid you. I'd rather have this than depression and sadness all the time like I used to have!)

==============================================(9pm)

FRONT YARD DONE!!!! Right down to the little weeds living (or formerly living) in the cracks between the gutter and the asphalt!! ALL OF IT DONE!! City cannot complain to me or FINE ME $100 NOW!!! Next up: backyard garden! And a continued keto lifestyle. One step at a time. No "rushing" or "hurrying" me or constant criticism from MD or anyone else anymore.

We still have problems, but nothing we cannot solve. My 17 yr. old microwave that came with the house finally doesn't work anymore. My 17 yr. old stove that also came with the house and survived for all this time with an autistic kid running the kitchen without supervision has also stopped fully functioning. No surprise there! Only two of the burners still work (happily it's the front burners, so we can still cook, but...a new stove is being considered, too). I might even throw in a new dishwasher, but that's not really necessary YET. In fact, all my appliances are OLD, as old as my house, so some repairs and new things are in order...and (having been on Welfare for about 21 long and frugal years as a single parent) my solution is to head over to the local Sears Outlet with credit card in hand. It's where I got my French Door fridge. ONE small ding on the back of it and a full warranty. What's not to like? I can also pay all of them off completely within a couple or few months on credit with no interest. It really works for me! I think I'll wait on the dishwasher, kitchen fridge, and my washer and dryer (washer a really CHEAP model, but does wash clothes ok, and dryer had a "fin" come loose: easy fix.) I could really use a new kitchen sink, too, but not just yet. I may just re-caulk it myself since it's leaking and try to ignore the big chips in it for now, too. (DS does NOT know how it got chipped while I was working.) Everything is 17 yrs. old except my washing machine.

DS also had that bad tooth in front giving him pain again. Another $3000! AND I have to go see the dentist myself for a crown on June 12th. My molar just up and split in half one night! But no root canal, so only $1500 for me. I spent $7500 last year on DS's teeth. OUCH!! But it's his front tooth, so into my savings I go...and then I'll build it up again in the coming months. Ebb and flow.

I've been sitting here long enough. Still tired, but need to put away the groceries now. At least the refrigerated stuff. Then I'm hitting the hay! (Hitting the straw in the morning! ) - gardener's joke. Sorry. LOL

Thank you, Fleur, for following my thread. I mean that. No matter what is going on with you (and it often sounds substantial!) you always find the time for a pleasantry or acknowledgement of what I'm saying. That means so much to me. Thank you so much. I hope this finds you doing fine. This "social" thing is what trips up us autistics - it's like the root of the problem, but just know that I'm here for you if you ever need me. I really care about you and Soxy and your DS, too. Hang in there. {{{{{{{{{{{Fleur!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera. Really sounds like the garage garden and house are all but up and going. Really great to know. Appliances are expensive but if you can find slightly shop soiled items it can reduce the price markedly. Glad you can still cook and use most things still OK. A leaky sink could be worth a look underneath - in one house the slight leak was pooling where I couldn't see beneath the lino covering where it was slowly rotting timbers. I sincerely trust this is merely a minor glitch in your case. Enjoy hitting both the proverbial hay and outside straw. Much caring

Oh and Soxy sends snuffly sleepy purrs. He's on my lap as I type this in bed. I send pats For your lovable hounds

[honeybera]

Oh my dear Fleur! (and purring Soxy!)

Just read your 2018 thoughts post. Hm. I really hear you about your triggers and your upset re: those nasty "bumps in the night", and I can totally empathize. When DS works (graveyard), I get unnerved, too. I like to watch those TV series on ID (here in the states on cable) that describe all kinds of the worst crimes and then wonder why I get the creeps, although I have always been like this, like really jumpy when alone, probably due to MD and her abuse of me. It almost had to take some sort of toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Really sounds like the garage garden and house are all but up and going. Really great to know.

OMG, you have no idea just how well it's coming along. It's what keeps those creepy feelings at bay. I have the most adorable tiny squashes coming up with secondary leaves already. I bravely planted some crazy "Zucchino Rampicante" squash seeds tonight. Take up approx. 30' in the garden! I'll place them over by the peach trees where they can spread at will. What was I thinking though?? If you Google it and look at the images I think you'll see what I mean. I also planted a White Bush Scallop which is a majorly "scalloped" and bright white squash - we'll see what happens. I have a feeling that the health food store and all my neighbors will have delightful and weird squashes aplenty this year. It makes me happy to grow things like this.

Appliances are expensive but if you can find slightly shop soiled items it can reduce the price markedly.

It also makes me happy that I've not only found a remarkable deal on both a NEW microwave for ½ price but also a matching gas stove, both in the "black stainless steel"! The stove has double ovens, one is convection, and I'll be able to "set it and forget it" because it has timers to turn it on and turn it off! The stove is an even better deal at 52% off!! I'm in hog heaven! I figured it out today: I should have the whole shebang paid off by Sept. with no interest paid out at all. This is my dream oven(s). I can't wait to see how my muffins and Keto Fathead Rolls turn out in that!

I also called a 5 star handyman today; haven't heard back from him yet. DS would like some assistance with putting in a new microwave and gas stove...understandably! This fellow has rave reviews on Yelp - which got me to thinking. We have many things that need attention here, and DS had the same ideas. So perhaps this handyman could do those things for us that we cannot do for ourselves (nor should we be expected to). We're going to see how he does installing our new stove and microwave. They'll be ready for pickup on June 13th...YAY! Please wish us luck.

A leaky sink could be worth a look underneath - in one house the slight leak was pooling where I couldn't see beneath the lino covering where it was slowly rotting timbers. I sincerely trust this is merely a minor glitch in your case.

It is minor in this case. The water from the faucet runs over between the sink and the tile countertop and goes under the sink. Messy and potentially damaging IF we do nothing about it. A little clear caulking should do the trick.

Enjoy hitting both the proverbial hay and outside straw.

I shall tonight! DS and I sat down and decided who to vote for (big election today). It took us exhausting hours to do. We're pretty thorough! Then I went out in the backyard and did my promised finish to the weedeating. YAY! I finally got to eat my one meal for the day at 10pm. SO TIRED NOW! Sleep will be welcomed tonight.

But I was wondering...dearest Fleur, forgive me if I seem to pry. I don't wish to. But I was wondering...what makes you happy these days? What can you name that delights you? What gives you that 'zing'? What did you love to do as a child? What do you still love to do now? Ponder these things and try to discover that internal happiness again. You have too much love and caring in your heart not to know what sparks joy in you. It seems like no matter how much good others see in you, you can't see it. I wish you could see yourself through our mirrors. We see a real solid and good and loving person. May you see that person soon as well. She needs a little sl, too. (Self love)

If that was inappropriate, please just say so and I won't say that again. My autism doesn't give me a real sense of what is socially appropriate and what is not. Sorry if it was awkward and wrong to say.

{{{{{{{Fleur}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera (and my tail-wagging dogs)