Letting go

[honeybera]

I have some (for me) great news: one of my Anne Yellow Raspberries is shooting up a cane! FINALLY!! Bright green leaves are poking out from under the soil. I am so thrilled about that!!

OH YES! And you should see the MAMMOTH SIZED Albion strawberry out there (the first one that's actually grown out there)! I figure that I'll have it as a full dessert WITH a meal...and only ONE berry. Those things are freakin' HUGE!

I'm trying to move more, and believe me, this is exercise!! Every day I can see small changes in my HUGE stomach. It floors me to think how many decades I've been abusing my own body, slowly leading it into T2D and all the problems that come with that. If it takes me "moving more" (than the VERY sedentary person that I was), I'm all for it! ♥ ♥

I'm just taking a short break right now. I need to finish up the front "lawn" (weeds), but I was so tickled that at least ONE of my raspberries didn't die that I had to share it with you! They all have a one yr. guarantee on them, but when they arrive so DRY, I'm surprised that any of them made it. The blueberries (Peach Sorbet and Pink Icing) look a little washed out (color-wise) and fragile, but at least are not losing any leaves. The "Raspberry Shortcake" (red raspberry) next to them had every leaf fall off and looks mighty dead to me. I believe that Stark Bros. is going to get a call tomorrow with a request for them to send me: a new Hosui apple pear (bare root) since it looks fairly dead, too, with not a leaf or even a good looking bud on it - just a stick in soil ; a new Raspberry Shortcake ($15.99/plant!!); AND possibly 2 new yellow Anne raspberries, bare root, and they came in a cluster of 3 costing $16.99. I don't want the money; I want new plants! LIVE ones this time!!!

Off to do the front yard now before we get another fine ($250 next time!! ), plus I need to finish my watering in the backyard. I'm now keeping track of what I water and do during the day and when on a big calendar behind my bedroom door. I'm habituating myself to make entries of what I've done that day (house and yard) before my bedtime, whatever time that may be. Works for me!! Later on as I re-read what I've written, my accomplishments, it reads as self-praise. Hm. I guess that's a form of self-parenting. Well, good on me! ♥ ♥

I'd not thought of it that way before.

=========================================================(dark now)

Well, I didn't finish the front yard, but I did do lots of work on the back yard. I'll do the front first thing in the morning. I'm beginning to have some real fun with the back yard (the front is just a chore still that needs to be taken care of - no love there!). As I pulled out some of the already filled-with-soil pots and pulled weeds, in addition to admiring all that I've done already, I can see where it is that I am going with all of this.

What is most amazing to me is that dear N is clear out on the other coast from me ATM, but the yard looks nice despite him not being here. When he was here, all I did was tell him what I wanted and he made it happen while I sat in a lawn chair at his insistence. But this time, I'm getting the real exercise PLUS I get to do it at my OWN pace! It's a LOT more work this way, but somehow it's BETTER. I used to hate it when he'd glare at me and impatiently ask, "WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS!???" There I sat on my butt, watching him "be nice to me", but now I am doing the lion's share of it myself, and I'm feeling more "OK" than I've felt in years.

I lost light tonight working with my squash pots, their weeds, and a ton of other little projects. Tomorrow (right after weedeating the front yard - I promise!! ), I am going to unearth everything (including those pots) that the whippy weeds have buried under their thick, blanket-like, smothering mat of tangled vines and slithering, twisting tendrils, crawling everywhere, horrible, unbreakable VINES (but my box cutter does work on them!! ), and some runners as big as your little finger as they attempt to overtake my garden and even crawling through my neighbor's fence and then up my house! And they cover "the Home of the Black Widows", so I have to be careful of them, too. And it's really creepy to do so...BUT once it's done, man oh man, IT'S DONE, and it should look SO GOOD! And if I even see ONE of those nasty invasive vines peeking through my neighbor's fence, IT'S DEAD on the spot!!

Once I get those pots uncovered and refreshed, the planting of squash is easy-peasy - just stick a couple of warm-water-soaked squash seeds into the ground, water, and patiently wait. Piece of cake! But last year, I could not MOVE the pots; DS had to do it for me because they were just too heavy for me to move. Not anymore! I can grab any 30 gallon pot FULL OF SOIL, tug it this way and that, even loosening the roots if it's one of last year's pots, and just MOVE IT!! What an independent cuss I am!!

BTW, Fleur, DS just uncovered a suit jacket buried in the closet and wrapped in a zippered and very dusty protective cover from Penney's from oh! so long ago and he tried it on and it fits him PERFECTLY!! So that's done for him for the wedding. YAY!! He's also wearing a size 2x T-shirt right now (down from a 3x) and it's positively FLOATING on him, like billowing! I think he may be in a 1x by now!! SUPER YAY! And a friend has invited him to a BBQ/Birthday party. Things are working out nicely for DS!!

BTW #2, he shaved off some of his bushy FULL beard tonight into a nice neat goatee and mustache - man, does he look better!! I honestly believe that at the convention some girl (or girls) will notice him, too, much to his delight! He has made me promise him to go to the barber shop with him to have that little bit at the back of the nape shortened a bit. He's had some VERY bad experiences in dealing with barbers and he wants me for backup!!

I need to go now. Dinner is on and then a bit of a rest for playing my videogame. Never too old to have some fun!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Thank you for update

Trust you'll keep your promise to the front yard very soon - and may you design that area so you come to love it too. Those pesky weeds invading from your neighbour haven't any chance of taking over once you've determined how to manage them as soon as they peek through the fence

Great to know your son has suitable clothes to attend wedding. Also that he feels and looks greatly improved. May he have a lot of fun at the convention

Being able to do more is a wonderful indicator of how much you have improved. Large tubs full of earth are heavy, yet you can move them around. Fantastic!

Think whatever helps you is good idea, such as noting things on your calendar

May you and son enjoy beings with dogs and living well this week


Bye for now

[honeybera]

As always, so nice to hear from you, Fleur! {{{{Fleur}}}}

Trust you'll keep your promise to the front yard very soon

I completely finished it yesterday late afternoon. It looks much improved. That should keep the City lady away from us and at bay for a while.

and may you design that area so you come to love it too

I do have plans for that area. I want to do the paving stones (instead of a lawn which always suffers in the intense summertime heat plus severe drought-induced water restrictions), a nice 7' high wooden/wrought iron combination fence and gate (I've already picked the pattern for it and have a guy who can do it for us), and a 30'x16' free-standing patio roof topped with solar panels. Quite a project! But I do guarantee that I'll love it dearly! I have thought about it for so long!! Years, in fact. Driving that bus and thinking...and now I can actually make it come true! I've been able to save approx. $1000/mo. towards it, and I've been retired for nearly 4 yrs. now, so I'm about ready for it. I'm sure that I can relief a lot of the stress that's bound to come with such a large project as it materializes by sharing on isurvive. But I get stronger emotionally and mentally as well as physically each day, so I should be up to the tasks ahead. A very welcome feeling of calmness has come to me lately. It really helps to cope with chaotic situations by being more accepting of the way things are and looking for a solution rather than just feeling frustrated and angry.

Those pesky weeds invading from your neighbour haven't any chance of taking over once you've determined how to manage them as soon as they peek through the fence

Although those "weeds" are pesky, they are also quite beautiful. In fact, they are a deep purple morning glory that the bees love. But yes, pesky, too. And those thick runners are seriously bad, and have tripped me up many times. They like to grab my shoes and I'm afraid I'll fall out there...again! I've tripped on them before and have fallen. So I cannot allow them into my yard. They are NOT WELCOME here!! But the renter's next door just don't care. So I'm planning to precisely hit the weeds (when there's no wind - on a calm day) with the strong systemic weed killer, the kind that once sprayed directly on MY side will go back through the plant and kill it at its source (next door)! GAME OVER! The same goes for the grapes pulling my fence apart and the bamboo runners. And I'm lopping off the acai berries and the diseased peach tree (peach leaf curl) that is spreading the disease to my peaches.

I'm setting up today my new LONG pole lopper. I have all the parts for it now. I can now trim/prune my own trees and cut off everything growing over my fence. It's all German made and is interchangeable with a click of many handles and heads. Called WolfGarten. Got it from Amazon. Great stuff.

I am trying to figure out how to work the "cord tidier" once it's connected to the bottom of my HUGELY LONG pole with the lopper clicked on top. Unfortunately, there are no instructions, only a few pictures, and so far, it's making no sense to me. I'm almost there, but not quite. I believe the trick is patience and taking my time to assemble it all before heading out to prune my Eureka lemon and Fuji apple trees, both of which are WAY too tall for short little me to pick once the fruit is ready on them! This seems to be a new thing with me and my environment: something simple to use first needs for me to understand HOW to USE IT! Plus half the time is also spent on assembly and/or familiarizing myself with all the parts and how they work. Makes it take a LOT of time! This is commonplace now in the kitchen (KitchenAid stand mixer, food processor, spiralizers, super fancy mandolins that even "cube", meat patty presses, ice cream machines [got a fantastic Keto recipe for rich, real ice cream that uses the KA stand mixer, too!!], even my now often used Instant Pot). So many of these "labor saving devices" are still in the boxes, and/or are unused due to lack of time to familiarize myself with them. This WolfGarten pole trimmer is now one of them!

Being able to do more is a wonderful indicator of how much you have improved. Large tubs full of earth are heavy, yet you can move them around. Fantastic!

Thanks! "Every day in every way, I am getting better and better!" This also allows me to be more independent and not have to use DS's help as much. I planted more peppers last night (Etiudas, Midnight Dreams, and Yellow Monsters) and put them under the grow lights. All I have that's ready to go right now are one Jalapeno and one "green pepper", both super generic and store bought. I did better on my tomatoes, with 3 varieties of cherry tomatoes (White, Sungold, and Sweet 100s) and lots of standard tomatoes, too, all raised from seed. Everything in my garden is strictly NON-GMO!! I'm already eating luscious and sweet strawberries. And I have lots of lemons out there, too, and use them in my cooking.

I believe that today I will try to plant some tomatoes over where the bamboo used to be, all in pots, so if I'm wrong about the bamboo being gone, I can move the pots, chop out the offending bamboo root(s), and replace the pot back in its original position. I'm going to plant the chives and peppers today as well, over in a raised bed. And some weedeating in spots where it needs it. AND make a "berm" (create a water basin) for my Aprium. (It needs some slight pruning, too. I'm getting MUCH more comfortable with pruning nowadays. Maybe today, maybe not.) I'm also going to make more muffins and TRY to find time to make meatballs and meatloaf from leftover hamburgers that DS bought for us. I'm also looking into buying a half side of grass fed and finished beef AFTER we eat our way through the 3 freezers full of meat, veggies, etc. first. It may take a while to find a good local farmer with grass fed and finished beef. However, so far, I know that they exist.

==========================================(nearly dark)

Today was not a good day for poor old (OLD!!) Ms. T. We believe that she is having a series of TIAs (or strokes, for dogs, of course). She suddenly rears up or stumbles to the ground, twirling around, unable to stand or walk, and sometimes dragging her legs behind her. She loses all ambulatory control of herself, her ability to move as she wants to, but then she seems sort of ok again, although her gait is still unsteady and wobbly. I brought her in to

========================================================(2 days later)

Somehow most of that last post got erased. I hate it when that happens.

N is on his way out here. He wants to stay here for one month (for free, naturally) until he gets his first paycheck on June 10th. Then he plans to move into one of the HOUSES that the nasty commune runs. (Yes, they maintain actual live-in "houses" as well as the summer camp-like commune much further north from here. I'm wondering when/if they will get sued or laws will be made against them. Prostitution is still illegal.) He has somehow managed to get a FULL TIME JOB with his H1b visa, but just how he's managed to do that I don't know yet. So he's very ok...but needs a little help from his friend (me) because his other "friends" (the nasty people) won't take him in without money and LOTS of it, and he has NONE ATM. In fact, he was sharing with me that he's over $50,000 in credit card debt!! When I saw him in Nov. '15 at the home he had purchased brand new, he complained to me that he was $5000 in CC debt and my last words to him were, "STOP SPENDING MONEY!!!" And then he found the nasty people...and now he has taken a second mortgage on the home, sold the home, and is continuing to get ever deeper into debt and involvement with these horrible and greedy people. And all for sex and sexual gratification. How sad that makes me for him.

I told him that all I could offer him was shelter (to "couch surf"), but that we were strictly on a Ketogenic diet here and fasted most of the day with only 1-2 meals, so his meals were up to him. I doubt if he'll even stay here that much. He's already planning to hit the naughty, adult oriented summer camp on the occasional weekend. Fine by me. And as soon as he has a dime in his pocket (but still the overwhelming cc debt on which he's making the MINIMUM payments assuming that that will get his debt reduced and eventually paid off while he continues to spend, spend, SPEND! ), he plans to throw himself back into that ugly fire, running up more debt. I know him. They have him hooked, and they are more costly than a heroin addiction!! He's been with his family on the east coast for the last 3 months (for free) while he's been unemployed, but he got a job out here (and apparently a really good job)...and that's the only reason he's even coming here to my house: he's out of money and they won't accept him without CA$H on the line!!

But all of this is his problem and not mine. I don't owe anything to his overwhelming debts, both personal and financial. I have agreed to move all the stuff off my couch in the front room and cut up some boxes, but I was planning to do that anyway. He MAY help me with the yard, but so could my son, and I consider the yard as my exercise. N said to me, "I will help you clean the front room." Again...I know him. I have seen him "clean". His idea is to simply throw everything OUTSIDE (LITERALLY!!!! INTO THE BACKYARD!!! EVEN PERFECTLY GOOD FURNITURE THAT I'D BEEN USING!!) and leave it there for me to clean up. So I told him blandly, "Uh...no, you won't. If it's not tidy enough for you, perhaps your _____ friends can put you up for free." I also said to him, "Perhaps you would be willing instead to get my BBQ working again. You're good at that. Or maybe help me carry the straw bales for the backyard for me to scatter as mulch." and he wholeheartedly agreed. Mmm! BBQed marinated chicken thighs again. YUM! And steaks! See? That would really be helpful for us. Not throwing everything out into the backyard so N could be more "comfy" in the front room for about a month!!! NUTS TO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

I have some weedeating to do in the backyard plus some planting and then watering this evening. Then I'm going to address the front room, at my own speed. He is due in tonight, probably late, too, since he's about 12 hrs. away ATM but has chosen to have a lunch with friends (yes, some of "those friends" from his sex cult "community", as he calls it) before coming here. They really have given him a sense of belonging that he's needed for some time now...but he fails to see the price tag attached to that.

As I write this, I'm sort of wondering what exactly I'd say to someone, what advice I'd give them, if I was merely an observer and not a participant in this story. His family is even against what he is doing, vehemently so. In fact, all of his true friends are concerned about him and what he's doing; no one likes this sex cult stuff. It's like a cross between Scientology and a sex cult. Mostly the sex cult thing, but they do a form of "auditing", too, delving deeply into his psyche, telling him that he's "part of a community" while insisting that he tell them ALL his deepest darkest secrets. Very scary stuff! Very invasive!!

I need to keep myself on my right path. I cannot allow him to sway me away from MY OWN GOALS! He will be gone in a month (back into "The Community") and even during that time, he will barely be here. Just a few nights sleeping on my couch. I hope I can just come here to blessed isurvive.org and DUMP, LET GO, and MOVE ON with my OWN life! That is my TOP PRIORITY!! As it should be!!!

I need to get busy with my weedeating. ♥♥{{{{{all of you!!!}}}}}♥♥

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Great to know about all your activity in your garden is helping dreams come true. Your plans for the front sound beautiful. Well done for not having anything out of control so there won't be any fines

Understand your concerns around N. You've set boundaries, so maybe this time N will be more useful for assisting you - I certainly hope so

He does sound like a lost soul, perhaps unaware of how he impacts friendship. We all need a sense of belonging. You'll need to be strong, firmly stating what is/isn't acceptable. May N find his way out of debt very soon - and also have a safe place to stay (different from your home) soonest

Wishing you and son a peaceful weekend


Much caring

[Jitterbug]

Wow, Honeybera, you are just going from strength to strength and it is WONDERFUL to read.

Your kindness and concern towards N is touching but it is also good to read you asserting your needs and boundaries and being cautious regarding old patterns with him. His life does sound to be in a very troubled place. However, I support you in choosing not to sacrifice your progress in your life for him. (I don't mean that to sound harsh against him).

Much caring,

Jitterbug

[honeybera]

Wow, Honeybera, you are just going from strength to strength and it is WONDERFUL to read.

You ain't seen nothing yet!!! Read on...

(Saturday May 5) Thank you so much for responding!!! At 4:48pm today I sent N a text message:

Me: Will you be coming tonight still?
N: I will be coming tomorrow morning after 7am. I will give exact ETA soon.

I know what's happening. The text message before this one read:
N: I am planning to meet some people here and start at 1pm.

But now it's "tomorrow morning"? He's met up with his old buddies from the cult there and he just could not pull himself away from them. He is just assuming that he can change his plans without even consulting me, like my plans do not matter in the slightest. The last time he came here I made up the couch for him, but instead he came into my room and sat in the really nice recliner/rocker I have for me to read in and for DS to sit in and chat with me or watch TV. N asked for a blanket which I gave to him, but then he hopped into MY bed. I reminded him that the couch was for him and NOT my room, but he then asked to just be allowed to sleep in my room for a short nap before driving. I simply went into the other room, inconveniencing ME. He left my home when he woke up. I fear that he'll try the same thing this time, too.

=====================================(Tuesday May 8)

OMG, so much has happened re: N!!! On Sunday, N texted me several times. He did NOT show up at 7am on Sunday nor 1pm NOR 3:30pm AS HE HAD PROMISED each time! In fact, he took lots of naps on his way here, even STOPPED TO SHOWER at a truck stop (which royally pissed me off since I've seen the conditions of those showers myself - EWWW!! ), and even spent the night with other "friends" (sex cult friends in one US state east of here), giving me that strong impression that he really didn't want to be here in the first place. Fine by me! He seems to repeatedly do this to me: urgently ask if I will help him again, that he's really desperate for my assistance, but then ends up not needing me at all...and there I sit, foolishly waiting for his arrival (that never comes IF something better takes his fancy). Hm. Point taken!! He did this in Jan., Feb., and now, and that's just in 2018. And I decided right then that I finally had had enough!!

So by 4:30pm ON SUNDAY evening , he finally texts me just before he arrives, asking me when DS will be sleeping (DS's often a Day Sleeper when working his normal graveyard shift and hates to be awakened unnecessarily). Once DS has awakened and gone to work, N figures that he can then offload his things (luggage) from his car (where he's made a bed in the back for the 3000 mile trip he's just made). I began to text him DS's sleep hours...and then I paused, and instead asked him WHY? But I already KNEW why. He didn't want any confrontations with DS. OMG. I was already irked, but that made my decision for me. And I saw how sneaky and manipulative he was being with me. I could finally see just how disingenuous he was being with me, something that the cult had taught him how to do to recruit new members. He had shown me the cult's super secret black binder with all the instructions in it on how to recruit. I don't forget much. That photographic memory thing. And he was using that psychology on me. Damn!!

I immediately asked DS to pull N's big bin with all his important papers in it from the computer room and place it into the front room. He did...gladly. Right next to the front door. Perfect. N's ETA was about 4 min. (For sure this time!! ) I then placed every bit of his mail in it (he was using my address as his own mailing address as he bounced around the country and even his driver's license uses this address). He texted me, "I am here." I opened the door, busily waved away his hug, handed him his large storage bin, and said, "Here you go. Take that and put it into your car and come back. We need to talk." Oh! Those dreaded words that men hate to hear!

I hate to lose a friend, I really do. I'm also autistic and brutally honest, and he knows that. When he came back to my front door, he asked the dreaded question of me in a worried tone: "Did you want to say something to me?" Yes. Yes, I do! I explained to him that since we are on a strict Keto/IF WOE, we cannot feed him. He'd have to eat out anyway. He replied that that was ok with him.

I said that between here and his new job is a normally 1½-2 hr. commute (notice I said NORMALLY!!), BUT BUT BUT during working hours, that commute turns into some of the worst bumper-to-bumper traffic in the US!! What normally takes and hour and a half or 2 hrs., during the hours of 4:30am-10am takes about 3 or MORE hours, IF THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, and there usually are...by 5:30am. I made that commute for over 3 yrs. during NON-RUSH hours and saw some horrible accidents, even when I was driving at that non-rush time. I asked N pointblank, "Why do you think I bought the RV? To live in at the bus yard with NO HOOKUPS!! (water, gas, elec...NOTHING!) Even that was better than to make that horrible NON RUSH HOUR commute." I explained to him that I drove "a commute", but never THE COMMUTE that he was about to experience on a daily basis. I warned him, "How would it be for you to MISS or BE LATE for your first morning on the job??!!" (Monday) That got his attention!

I went on to tell him that the best I could afford him was a dusty old couch to sleep on, no food to eat, and the risky "6-hour plus" DAILY round trip commute. I reminded him of what he'd accomplished before (in years past) with a new job, how he'd gotten a room on Craigslist MANY times before without incident, how he actually prefers that. I reminded him of the COMFY bed made of pillows and blankets in the back of his SUV, and how he could just keep driving at that moment and arrive at his new job EARLY and sleep in his SUV in the parking lot (or a Walmart - he knows the drill by now). Then he could just walk into work without fear of being late. He only needs a TEMPORARY setup (until June 10th) because the "Community" of fellow sex addicts have "houses" where you can "live the lifestyle", but he has to wait for his first paycheck because he can't participate without a lot of dough, strictly gathered at the door! (And these are his "buddies". OMG! Sounds like a thinly veiled brothel to me!)

Then I said the ultimate psycho-babble thing to him that made him 'see the light'. I said, "There is a fine line between 'helping' someone and enabling them." He blurted out, "OMG! You are RIGHT!!" Then he said, "I'll go to my job tonight and be there in the morning. I can do this!" and he gave me a BIG hug. Nice. Then he said, "Is that all you wanted to say?" and I said, "Oh, heck no! Come and see my garden!!" and we had a lovely 2 hr. visit until 6pm when he left and I gave him some organic, bright red, vine ripened strawberries from my yard (which he really liked), and then he did leave...with another hug. And I closed the front door behind him...and felt a HUGE RELIEF!!! YAY FOR ME!! I DID IT!!
♥♥I had "Let Go" of N, allowing him to find his OWN way, but still kept a friend.♥♥ It could not have worked out better!

With all the kerfuffle of him asking for "help" with this free place to stay, with the waiting for him to show and then he wouldn't, with the invasion of my bed space earlier, and an upset of my calm and measured life in general, with the whole enchilada of emotions involved, especially the ANGER I felt, I was experiencing the extreme shakings of the foundation of my new(ish) Ketogenic and Intermittent Fasting WOE, like an earthquake of immense proportions threatening to separate me from my determination to meet my goals!!! Believe me, NO ONE is worth that!!

So what I did (both before his arrival and after his departure) was to binge watch my Keto/IF YouTube videos! I re-watched a lot of the "Be a Loser" videos - and frankly got a lot out of them. Although I wasn't ever knocked "off track", I am now SOLIDLY "back on track". And I'm darned proud of myself!! And it's such a blessing to KNOW that I am NOT EVER ALONE in this: I have both you AND those heavenly and educational videos! And I even read my Dr. Jason Fung books, The Obesity Code and The Diabetic Code, and I have already joined up with dietdoctor dot com, too. All of these connections are for me like balms to the soul!! There's no need for fear of abandonment any longer.

I have been working in my yard, on my computer, and in my kitchen for the past few days. Today I made a YUMMY Cream of Asparagus soup (keto, natch!) and am about to have some BBQ tri-tip (made by DS - SO GOOD!) with a small side salad (Avocado-tomato-marinated artichoke hearts on lettuce with homemade Ranch dressing) and two strawberries for dessert. Today I pulled up those HUGE weeds that even DS could not pull up without watering, but I forgot and left the water running the other night and that area got flooded (YAY!) and today I could pull them up! So I did!!

What's up for tomorrow? PLANTING (tomatoes, peppers, squash, my one borage placed near the strawberries as a companion plant, and so on) and more weeding (so it doesn't get away from me). I'm slowly winning the "weeding game". I'd like to get a lot planted so I don't end up barely keeping it alive until July or something (like I normally do). It's already the first week of May gone! But I'm getting to it now.

And when it gets hot? (Should be in the 90s by this weekend!! So soon??? UGH!) I can just stay inside in the nice a/c and SORT DONATIONS!! And the garage and garden will be for the early am. I'm loving this!!! Midnight for my bedtime tonight. Eleven tomorrow night. And so on until I'm up at about 6am. That's my goal for the summertime.

Aarrggghhh! Stomach is growling. Time for dinner and then some videogames before bed. Had to share with you all. This entire thing is working out nicely. {{{{{{All of you!!!!}}}}}}

Honeybera

[Jitterbug]

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


((((((((((((((((((( Honeybera )))))))))))))))))))



Jitterbug

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Seconding Jitterbug. Very nicely done re N. And great planning for summertime

May you and son enjoy your space, with or without visitors


Much caring

[honeybera]

THANKS SO MUCH for each and every WOW! It's how I felt myself! Like, "Whew! I got through that one!!" My WOE never missed a beat due to those wonderfully educational videos that I watch AND the knowledge that you all were still here, rooting me on.

I just got back from doing my grocery shopping alone (up to now rare for me) and a trip to the dentist (broken tooth - $1600 bill for a new crown!) DS is having a ball at his convention. I guess he would with his nice-looking short haircut and a 30 lb. weight loss (so far). He's planning to stay on this WOE with me. We have it down to a science!

One goal this weekend (while he's gone) is to unearth my kitchen table, set up the chairs, and have a place to sit and eat if we choose to. It's not as bad as on "Hoarders", but I have old dusty donations all over it and BOXES of old VHS tapes around it. Those tapes CAN be donated up the street (they do accept them), but I was being too draconian in my selections to donate and DS (who does tend towards hoarding) had a fit and insisted on going through each box to see if there were any treasures in there. (There more than likely AREN'T! ) BUT I did tell him that after the convention, we NEED to go through them, ALL OF THEM, and LET THEM GO!!!

Lately I've been realizing that "letting go" is the absolute key to real healing from the C-PTSD from my childhood. Letting go of MD, letting go of N, letting go of MY THINGS, even gently letting go of my poor old Ms. T (although she's not gone yet, but is closer by the day). And I feel that "letting go" equates with "forgiveness". Forgiveness of self first, then others, and then generally, like "community". And "forgiveness" does NOT mean that what was done to me was right or that it even deserves forgiveness, but rather that I personally just need to let it go. I have described all my misery on here for the last 4 yrs. You all know about it. I need not tell the stories over and over again. I need to simply LET IT GO, like one of those tiny candle-lit floating paper lanterns that the Japanese release into a softly flowing stream and watch them float away into the night. That's how this feels.

I left MD on April 18th with a cheerful, yet firm goodbye as she sat on the toilet waiting for an attendant to assist her. I honestly had other things to do.

Same with N...

As I write this, I'm sort of wondering what exactly I'd say to someone, what advice I'd give them, if I was merely an observer and not a participant in this story.

And then I went and took my own advice! I released him with love, and he actually appreciated it! And we are still friends! HUZZAH!!!

In fact, he texted me last night that he's decided to sleep in the back of his huge SUV (after buying a bed at IKEA for $100 "for extra comfort") and he's perfectly happy to do that until June 10th. Cheap "rent", and everybody's happy!! YAY!!

So thanks for all the attagirls!! I needed to hear them! {{{{{jitterbug and Fleur!!}}}}}}

Honeybera

[Jitterbug]

Continuously beaming for you, honeybera.

Jitterbug x