Having a Tough Time This Christmas

[Chewy]

Hello, All -

Merry Christmas!

I am new here. I should have joined here months or even a year ago. I am a survivor of physical and severe emotional abuse. I lived in fear most of my childhood and at least half my adulthood. Didn't realize how it was killing me inside and out until I broke off contact with my parents and got counseling. All of the sudden, it felt like all this weight lifted off me and new people were no longer scary. Up to that point, it was very hard for me to make friends. Talking to people was like standing behind a brick wall with one brick removed to kind of see, and with the few friends (including lovers) I had I have had some pretty serious trust issues.

I had a pretty tough start as a kid. I tried typing it out...but I can't go very deep into it right now. I am depressed this week—and bringing this stuff in detail will probably it worse. I have been really weepy today and that isn't like me at all. I have not felt this down in years. When I have a clearer head and I am past this, I will give details later.

I have a wonderful husband (who I feel guilty dragging into my craziness). We have a smart funny and radiant little girl. It is for them I really want to heal more than anything. I don't ever expect the pain to completely disappear, because the past can't change, but I at least want it not to interfere with my present, and I'd like it to stay in my head versus spilling out during inconvenient stupid times.

I was doing so very well at that. I actually have been pretty good at it for a couple years, but it has been hard lately. I am going through perimenopause (crazy, crazy hormones) and I sometimes get depressed during holidays unless we travel—which didn't happen this year because DH didn't tell me when we needed a pet sitter in time to hire one (we have a fantastic woman who watches our cats but she is booked after Thanksgiving). I think we will use this to remember—even if we don't visit my inlaws, we need to be away from this house doing something distracting. Maybe rent a cabin or something.

But I digress...

I have not had a relationship with my father and stepmother for 7 years. This isn't just a good thing. This is a spectacular thing. I actually regret not cutting him off 20 years ago. When I was a child he was physically abusive. If he hadn't been an attorney I am almost positive my sister and I would have been taken by CPS. We were both pulled into counseling and I remember seeing someone who wasn't a normal school staffer (suspecting she was a social worker). During my adulthood, he used loads of manipulation tactics to mess with my head and get me to do things for him that were bad for me (ex - working for him non-stop without sleep for 2 days without pay).

I have not had a relationship with my sister for nearly that amount of time, too. She was passing information to my father and trying to guilt trip me (nastily) until reconciling with him even though she nearly cut him off herself when he was almost late to her wedding. She was also abusive to her boyfriend's little boy and I was getting the vibe she was going to be with her son (a baby at the time we broke things off—she spoke terribly of him even though he was just a baby!). I couldn't bear to watch it happen again.

I have not had a relationship with stepfather for nearly 4 years. My stepfather is a piece of work. He was mildy physically abusive and *very* emotionally abusive. He attacked me in front of my daughter when she was just a month shy of 2. My husband witnessed this and pulled him off me. That ended that relationship.

My husband hates my stepfather and refuses to allow him near our daughter. If I tried to change that, we'd be divorced—but I actually respect my husband for this. He helped me see the elephant in the room. So I saw a therapist for nearly a year and came to terms that my stepfather has no place in my life and never should have.

Mom tried to force me to "forgive" him (again). She got in a yelling match even though I asked her to disengage and talk with me another time my little girl wasn't there. I haven't seen her in nearly 3.5 years.

I don't miss my dad. I feel bad for my stepmom (she is a nice person to have as a friend, but clueness and should not be helping people raise kids), but don't miss her. I do, however, wish them both well. I still love my dad. He had (supposedly) started therapy when I broke things off with him (long story). I hope he is finding ways to face his demons and find peace as I know his childhood was horrible. If it wasn't for the abusiveness, he had really positive qualities as a parent as he could be funny and generous and at times empathic. But he wrecked our relationship. I will never trust him again and feel he is not a safe person to be around. So I feel at peace not having him in my life.

I don't miss my stepfather. His family was very kind to my sister and I, but he is a complete slimy manipulative user. I actually hope karma finds him and kicks him in the ass, but life never works out that way. Most important thing is he is not around us to hurt us.

I kind of miss my sister, but feel relieved not to have her interfering with my life or having to witness her hurt other children while either feeling trapped into feeling the crushing guilt of not doing anything about it versus calling outside help and having my parents come after me for it.

I *do* miss my mom. Very much. As much as a narcissistic enabling opportunist she was, I love her dearly. I had always envisioned she'd be part of my children's lives and it breaks my heart this can't be. But I have to protect my little girl and myself. My guy doesn't deserve to be pulled into the drama either. But sometimes Mom has moments of clarity. Part of me hopes she'll find this some day and we can reconcile. In fact, when I am in a better place I want to contact her to see if that is possible—and if it is not I can at least have some sort of closure and move on with my life knowing I have no parents.

So here I am on a support site when I really should be spending happy times with my family (daughter and husband). Some of this is hormonal (just started hormone therapy and it will take a couple months to sort out), but there's a lot of heavy thoughts going on.

Most people I meet with my past have not sorted it out.... It's like a lot of us are drawn to the pain we grew up with and continue to find ways to keep it in our lives even though we want to escape it. I have gotten to the point it rarely hurts me anymore. When I think about childhood, it actually feels like thinking about a movie I watched versus *my* childhood. But when I talk about it? It brings out all sorts of pain. Oddly, that used to be the reverse before I did therapy. My therapists would always comment how calm I was when I talked about the stuff. I guess because it was continually happening I didn't feel the pain from it.

But now? I am a mess if I go into details. This is rarely a problem as I keep it in, but there is a problem with that. After I got therapy, suddenly...people weren't scary. Three years later? I have friends...and a community. This is wonderful, but now I'm facing a new challenge that is the worst this time of year. How much do I disclose? How can I keep it private but still be close with good friends?

A couple of my dear friends have an idea what I've been through. One has asked for details which I have a very hard time giving her as she has not been through anything like this (her parents divorced but she was never abused), but she has shared some other painful events in her life. Another friend had a bipolar dad and wants to trade traumas (which I divert her from as she always does this when we have our kids playing together—not a good time to bring these things up, but she won't do a mom's night out).

Then I have about 4-5 friends who are becoming close and want to know more about my family experiences as they've shared theirs with me. Two I feel okay talking to (they both disclosed having abusive parents). The other three came from somewhat healthy (healthier) families and I feel weird telling them...but it is becoming harder and harder keeping it in. It feels like I'm holding in a secret or that I should be ashamed—and I know that I shouldn't. I feel worried they are going to hurt me, too...or I will hurt them. But what is life without risks? I certainly wasn't experiencing living before. It's just a new level of it for me now.

Anyhow, sorry for writing a rambling tome. Guess I should be apologizing to my little family, too, but I really needed this moment alone and I needed to get this all out.

If any of you are still reading this (or even if you aren't), I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I will try to make the rest of mine better now.

<3

[Sheep]

Hello Chewy,

I understand the need to share your pain. My father was physically abusuve and my mom was critical and shaming. It took many years until a crisis in my marriage broke through the denial of abuse. So, at age 36 and having been married 16 yrs with two children, the pain of the past came flooding through. Today I am 48 yrs old and only cut off contact with everyone in my extended family but my mom. I still text her occassionally and call her a couple times during the year. I tend to gravitate towards the familiar in all my relationships - which disappoints me as I wonder if I will ever heal. It sounds like you have made great strides in your healing. I'm glad your husband has boundaries and you both protect your daughter.

Welcome to isurvive,

Sheep

[recover]

hi chewy,
really good to meet you. i am sorry for all you have been through. it sounds like you have really handled things well and have a good family (husband and daughter). i have a 22 year old daughter and an almost 20 year old son, they are everything good in my life, true blessings.
i can't really give you advice as i hardly know you. i have been open about my difficulties with three friends who i am very close to, no one else really. it feels good that they know. very good. and they are supportive to me which helps.
hoping your holiday is peaceful and happy.
recover

[honeybera]

Welcome!! And a heartfelt Merry Christmas to you, dear Chewy.

I really hear you! But I must admit, I was a little bit jealous of you and all you have: kind husband, children to love, FRIENDS. You are truly blessed at this time of your life.

I do agree that the past must be sorted out, aired out, and healed up, but do count those overwhelmingly positive blessings in your life as well. What I would give for more contacts than just my (WONDERFUL!!) adult son and my (somewhat narcissistic) friend N from out of state. <heavy sigh>

All of the sudden, it felt like all this weight lifted off me and new people were no longer scary. Up to that point, it was very hard for me to make friends. Talking to people was like standing behind a brick wall with one brick removed to kind of see, and with the few friends (including lovers) I had I have had some pretty serious trust issues.

Yes, yes...I truly know "trust issues" and a lack of friends, but you seem to have overcome many of these problems. I am still working on them. For almost seven decades, I have been tirelessly working on them...

You are in good company here. Keep working at it; keep writing it out; forget how 'negative an impact' that it took to write down your well deserved tirade. Writing (for me, the Queen of Tirades ) is a cathartic experience: it helps me to HEAL! I consider that time you spent writing it all out as time well spent, especially for your family. "If Momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!"

Anyway, you have extended your group of friends by many. And welcome to isurvive.org. This is both a safe place and a soft place to land and to heal up with a group of individuals who truly understand your pain because we've all been there.

{{{{{Chewy}}}}}

Honeybera

[Chewy]

Hello, Everyone -

Nice to meet you all!

I have a question for all of you - The three of you are older and have grown kids (mine is only 6). How did your children deal with this and how did you raise them around it? I always wonder. My MIL turned out to the the child of a child abuse survivor (GMIL—she is 96 and still alive and doing great). She never met her maternal grandfather until she was an adult (GMIL's mother left him while GMIL and her twin were children). MIL said she didn't regret not knowing her grandfather and his family. Have your kids felt the same way about their grandparents? Did you ever find other older folks to relate to as parents for you and grandparents for your kids?

Hi, Sheep - I was in my mid-30s, too, when everything came to a head (I'm 41). Did you just simply get sick of it all, too? It's like "HEY—I can't believe this crap! I'm middle-aged and I'm still being abused. What the...??" Never seems to stop when we get older. We either learn to walk away or learn to pretend it's not happening while taking it out on someone else (not my choice).

Hello, Recover - Your children sound wonderful! It makes it better when you see your kids growing up away the abuse...especially learning to break end (or never start) destructive behaviors our parents taught us.

Greetings, Honeybera - Six decades?! That's so much to go through!!!! You are brave! Please tell me it gets easier.

Honestly, there's a big part of me that either feels like I don't deserve anything or that it will all go away because I will do something stupid or undeserving (I have in the past). I'm trying really, really hard to pull myself back together. Or that fate will simply screw me over. These paranoid feelings are not a fun thing to have right now. I nearly balled my eyes out when my husband left with our daughter to my ILs today.

I used to run a lot, and it helped with the anxiety better than any meds ever had. I actually felt semi-human. But I cut down a bunch 1.5 years ago...Lymes disease and probably depression (it was after getting a hate card from my mom for my 40th birthday—and my birthday was already hard, bc my dad and stepdad wrecked it for me).

Now I'm very much out of shape and my hormones are crazy, too, so I'm a neurotic paranoid mess who has been pulling away from *everyone*.

But I have to do something to stop this or It will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. It would not be the first time I've been self-destructive, but I have so much more to lose and so many people would get hurt.

I just don't know what to do. Meds didn't help me... All they did was make things numb and less coherent and cause me health issues—like having a seizure while driving. Cognitive therapy was great so I tried re-reaching a counselor I had, but I haven't heard back from her so I think she might have left the organization I went through. It's been 3+ years since I did therapy with her—it was a 6-month program, but helped me better than any I had gone to ever so I was hoping to at least get a referral to someone in our network. I guess I'm back on square one. I will see my doctor after New Year and see if she can recommend someone and do a GYN exam while we are at it.

In the short term, I will try to keep myself busy...maybe see friends or drive somewhere special tomorrow. Maybe I can find someone to go with me. My mother and husband (stepfather jerk) sent me an ecard. I think it was actually him. He's been doing that kind of stuff through unblocked email accounts (I totally block the heck out of them—especially him). Ick! I want to contact my mom in the summer, but I'm not ready right now so I deleted it before I read it. Just as well. Wish I had done so with the birthday letter she sent me a couple years ago.

Well, I better go *do* something with myself. Thank you, All, for listening to me ramble.

[honeybera]

Greetings, Honeybera - Six decades?! That's so much to go through!!!! You are brave! Please tell me it gets easier.

For me, IT GETS EASIER AND EASIER!! Not exactly a leisurely walk in the park, mind you, but INFINITELY EASIER than it used to be: "Like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there!" Now THAT is truly difficult, but I did that for years, understanding nothing and blame, blame, blaming myself!! What had **I** done to be "so fouled up"? I many times considered suicide (in my 20s) until someone told me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! (SO true!!)

We all have problems, and those problems are all relative: my small problem is as devastating to me as your horrendously HUGE problem is to you, and vice versa. I'm about to write about mine (it just rose to the surface in the punchbowl of my mind) in a minute so I can get past it. I engage in fighting these various problems that pop up one at a time. They all funnel back to Mommy Dearest, and I know that even though she is guilty of true cruelty and brutality to me as a child, all that has since washed under the bridge already. I need to face it so that my life is better NOW, but I am quite happy to RELEASE it just as quickly! I've held this crap up to the light, viewed it intensely, and tried to make some sort of sense out of it. And yes, for six decades, give or take a decade. I'll be 70 yrs. old in 2016. (How did that sneak up on me?)

But the truth is that I've never been happier or more grateful with the hand that life has dealt me! Will this be what happens for you? I really don't know, but I sure hope so! Mommy Dearest tried SO hard to shove my head underwater, literally and figuratively, and to keep me there. She never knew me apparently. I am WAY tougher and more resilient than she ever was, but the longer I live, the more I have learned to let things go. (Funny, that's exactly what I'm about to write about on a new topic! )

So hang in there. Self forgiveness is terribly important. "Letting go" is on my mind right now. I'm going to go write, watch the rest of this episode of 'Hoarders', and get to work doing some "letting go" of my own.

{{{{{Chewy}}}}}

Honeybera