Reaching out for a bit of support

[recover]

hi FB,
so glad to hear from you and that you are on the mend. i am so sorry you were so sick like that. also hoping the housing situation comes to a resolution soon.
good to see you!
recover

[fightinback]

Today I have asked my gp to refer me for some additional therapy, and I have her full support.

Feels a positive step forward.

[recover]

very good idea fightinback, why not get support and care?
warmly,
recover

[Xanthia]

Hi FB,

Noticed that you have altered your name as you don't need to fight.
That's great!

Did you see therapist as you thought?

Here's to a really good 2016.

[fightinback]

Gosh. It's been a while... You guys have been on my mind lately and I wanted to come in and give an update and give thanks to those who have offered me support.


I still haven't seen my psychotherapist. There have been a lot of changes to MH in this part of the world since I was signed off early last year and not all for the better. My appointment is 5th April (though still open to being moved), having requested to see him last December. I'm glad I'm not in desperate need!

The reason why I wanted to see him has also passed. I have now worked through it and am ok. I no longer have any fear whatsoever of the woman who lives upstairs and the attack from last October is no longer haunting me. I did suggest to my gp that I no longer need the appointment, but she wants me to keep the appointment as I have been having some new flashbacks and some annoying hallucinations.

The new flashbacks are nothing to do with my abuse history (but horrific all the same), and are just dusty old memories which are stuck and need to be worked through like the others. This is different - not abuse, but a tragic accident. My gp believes this is a 'new phase' to my healing journey.


An update on the woman upstairs.

She is still there and is as good as silent at last, despite still no carpet. She approached me at the beginning of February having had zero contact since her attack on me last October. She knocked on my door with the intent to knock me down. I opened the door to a finger pointing at my nose, behind which was a screwed up face and slits for eyes - "What are YOU doing in here that's making the high pitched noise in my flat?" I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. It didn't stop her threats and aggressive behaviour - just made it worse.

I've really struggled with shields, but literally the day before this happened I had spoken to someone I know about shields and she suggested mirrors instead. Not only did I imagine a mirror in front of me pointing right at her, I also felt a thick solid shield around me for the first time ever, AND the full strength of my friend behind me. This woman came to me with lies and manipulation and I reflected everything back at her. Everything she said, I questioned... and she retracted. So many lies. She kept backing away from me and I stayed with her all the way back to her front door. I told her I was concerned about the noise she was hearing and she really should try to find out what it is. She told me quietly, she'd made it up. Then her mobile rang and with a look of relief on her face she ran inside.

I wasn't violent or aggressive in any way. That's not me. I just wasn't going to take any of her crap any more; and all her vile little tricks, I just gave straight back to her, with a powerful feeling of being protected by my shield.

While I already knew she had a long history with the housing association, council and local police, I found out only this week that she is well known in this area for being a lying and manipulative narcissist, and has tried to wreck a lot of lives in the 20+ years she has lived in this town. I haven't met anyone who could say a kind thing about her. I am ready and waiting for retaliation but for 3 1/2 weeks now there has been nothing. Now she is silent upstairs and crosses the street when she sees me in town. Wow! It feels good to stand up to an abuser. My gp is very proud. I am too.

If she does retaliate my intention is to write her behaviour on one of the diary sheets and give it to the housing association as I have done with the others. They have the evidence now that she has no carpet and my housing advisor knows it is still my wish for her not to be evicted - she's mentally ill and needs support, not passed on for someone else to deal with, or wreck more lives. Despite her behaviour, she does have a support network here.

I learned something valuable that night though. She told me it's in her contract that she must have a specified thickness of underlay as well as carpet. Despite her mental health, she has an awareness that she is doing wrong. She is knowingly choosing to break her contract. She even tried to throw it in my face saying "there's nothing anyone can do about it". If she does retaliate, all it will take now is for me to retract my wish not to take this further. She will have her warnings, and if she chooses not to comply she will face court and eviction.

I'm not afraid of her anymore.


What else I have been up to is really exciting.

We have an excellent Patient Participation Group (PPG) at our (and our surrounding) surgeries and I am now an active member of the Lead Team instead of just reading the quarterly newsletter. My gp is a Lead Team member of the Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG) and together the idea is to give patients a voice, and to make the system better for our area. So much has already been implemented to make our own little surgery fantastic, and now we want to focus on mental health. Mental health support is particularly bad nationwide and has deteriorated here. With my experience of the local mental health system as a patient, and my abuse story, I have a good deal to offer to try to make things better for patients going through the system now, and in the future. My gp is really excited too as I am the first with this kind of experience and passion to make things better for our community.

I'm getting 'me' back.



Wishing you all well and support in your own healing journey.
Thank you Xanthia and recover for the warm wishes, and to a better 2016.

[Fleur]

Wow, wow, wow....

FB, fantastic message to read

Thank you so much for sharing

Here's to more nicer changes in your local surgeries, wider health system

Way to go dear friend

[Fleur]

Hello FB

Hopefully, you've now a restored iSurvive access after the website crashed

Trust all is well with you my friend

Caring hugs from Fleur

[fightinback]

All is well, thank you Fleur, my friend.

Gosh my life has been so hectic.

The woman upstairs has returned to her noisy self. However, the housing association have all the evidence they need, and everyone is understanding that she is unwell. Instead of saying to her "sort this out", the housing association is supporting and helping her to get carpets put in. They can't give her money, but they have given her details of grants she is eligible for and helping her to fill in the forms and apply. Ultimately it is her choice. It is up to her to post the forms and stay in touch with them. It is her choice still to have carpets or not, and they will continue to check up on her until she does. If she chooses not to, then they will take her to court and she will be evicted.

The other option she has is to move voluntarily, and here she is also in a very good position to find somewhere else. She is a single woman living in a two bedroom flat, and here in the UK if you live in a place that has more bedrooms than you need, you have to pay a 'bedroom tax'. As a housing association tenant, this puts her high up on the priority list to find a one bedroom home.

At the end of the day it is her choice. These are her warnings to act or be evicted and I am really happy to see that the housing association are supporting her as much as they are allowed, while still being firm. I still say hi to her if I see her in the street, and she continues to blank me. I can guess from her point of view she may feel she has no choice and I understand and respect that. This was never intended to hurt her, but I can't live with the noise, and she has repeatedly chosen to ignore my requests. If she is ever ready to say hi back to me, I'll be here. It is not my intention to be her enemy, life is too precious. But, I am no longer afraid of her, my eyes are open to her behaviour, and I will not put her before me or my own family.


My nightmares have stopped. In my nightmares, although a different setting each time, I realised that they all followed one theme - I was being chased by something unseen. I was also being helped by a character that was different in each setting by showing me shortcuts or really good hiding places, though it still took me a very long time to trust this character - I believed for a long time that they were as frightening as whatever was chasing me. After a while the trust grew and I woke up from one nightmare immediately after having been helped, and in my head was this sudden realisation that the character was 'me' in real life. The lesson: I need to trust me more.

I'm very interested in dreams and know they relate to real life. I am aware that chase dreams are really common and it usually means that that person is not facing up to something in real life, but I really couldn't think what it was.

As the dreams progressed and the trust grew in real life and in the dreams, they have subtly changed. The final one I had was in a warehouse. The 'things' chasing me are there too and we are a few flights up, I don't know how many. I am hiding in the stairwell and I can see two of them for the very first time in the main warehouse. A third is in the stairwell with me and either on the floor above or below, I don't know which, so I feel trapped. The two that I can see, one is behaving like a chimpanzee, running around with arms in the air, the other I wont describe here. I was very scared. I knew these characters were potentially very dangerous, and I also knew that I had to find the strength (and trust in myself) to face them. Suddenly out of nowhere, I can recognise all three things that I am avoiding in real life.

The chimpanzee represents the woman who lives above me. At the time of the dreams she had returned to her noisy self and I was delaying whether to speak to the housing association or not.

The unseen thing in the stairwell with me where I feel trapped, represents this flat. I feel trapped here and I have finally admitted to myself that it's not the best place for me to live. I have questioned my inner me whether this feeling is to do with the woman upstairs directly or whether I would have the same feelings with anyone living there. The answer is anyone. I feel stifled and... trapped, being surrounded on all sides by other people. So I am busy decorating and doing all the jobs that need doing, while looking for something more suitable. I am doing this in a healthy way however - I recognise and accept my feelings but I will not move until I find the 'right' place for us. There is no hurry. There is no anxiety. It will happen when it happens. I don't feel trapped anymore - I have options.

The third character... I knew straight away, represents my ex husband. For a long time now he has been shirking his responsibilities as a father to our son. While I would very happily have nothing to do with him ever again, I do (now) recognise that he has a legal and equal responsibility to our son as I do. I am no longer prepared for him to avoid paying maintenance, or not support me in important decisions that I have to make for our son on both our behalf. I wrote a very long email to him telling him about our situation now, what it will be like in the next few months (with other situations that are changing for me), about how our son needs new clothes (including school uniform) and text books that I just can't afford on my own, and about how our son needs his dad. I reminded him that he also has a legal and equal responsibility as me to raise our son.

We fought. Boy did we fight! I knew we would and I stood firm as I have never been able to do before. I didn't want this 'thing' in my nightmare to win - it wasn't an option.

I found out something that I had never knew before, nor ever ever expected. He admitted it. He regrets our son. O my word! He regrets him. And the monthly 'bill' coming out of his account was a reminder he didn't want to live with. He was made redundant last year which is why the maintenance stopped, but he has had no interest in even looking for a new job. His new girlfriend comes from a very well off family, has her own house, and a very well paid job - he doesn't need to work, and this has helped him 'push his past life' further away.

I reminded him he still has a legal responsibility and I cannot do this on my own. Whether he likes it or not, he has a son who needs his dad. If I hadn't faced him, I would never have known. We're working through this little by little - a little give and take on both sides, trying to find compromises. I will not let him get away without facing his responsibilities though and I will get legal support if I need to. He will have to find a way to face his own demons as I have had to, and at least admitting that there is a problem, it is a good solid step forward.

My nightmares have gone now.

I am in control.



So... I am busy decorating and lots of little jobs to get this place shipshape. I have been online and seen the condition of other flats available for a swap so I can see what I am up against (not a lot!). I do however want to have the best chance of finding someone for this flat so I am ready to accept the 'right' home for us when it becomes available. I am viewing it as if it were an estate agent selling it, and will have the place like a 'show home' by the time I am ready to take the photos! I am also decorating this place for us though, we still need to live here, and I want it to be nice for us while we are here. There is no hurry and I still have very high standards (that's little me trying to please my mother, and I know and accept that... and perhaps some of adult me is there too, because this is my choice now).

I have also picked up a long lost hobby. I used to do a ton of cross stitch. I haven't touched it in 13 years and it was time that I did. I have a programme on my pc which turns photos into charts and I am currently stitching my very favourite photo of my son at a very cute 4 years old. Every single cross stitch picture I have done in the past has been a present for someone else. I have had this hobby for over 30 years. This is the very first picture just for me, and I have the perfect place to put it already when it is done. Can't wait.

So that's me up to date.

I still work at healing and I don't think I will ever stop - it is very healthy to always learn and grow. I have done the hard hard work to get here and I have the rewards. I am getting my life back. I still face demons (that's life), and I trust myself that I have the knowledge about myself to find a way to defeat them. I have choices. I have strength. I am in control.

I am sharing this with the hope that it helps even just one member to find their way out of the fog and get their own life back. There is a life beyond abuse, and it begins (and ends) with putting you first, above everything else. It doesn't make you selfish, it shows others that you care about you... enough.

Keep putting in the hours



Fleur, thank you for your kind support and reminding me I still have a place here. How are things with you?

[Harmony]

Hi fightinback,

I find stitchery work to be very relaxing. I do needlepoint. I have done it for years. I find most people will leave me alone to be quiet if I am stitching. Also I have found a group to with stitch with every few weeks. It is a nice calming thing in my life.

with support,
Harmony

[Fleur]

Hello FB

Thank you for your update

May you very soon swap your home for somewhere you'd prefer
Great to know about your cross stitch project of a photo of your son
4 is a delightful age
How old is he now?

You learnt a lot about your ex H by standing your ground
He seems like one of those men in stories who live off another person
(the authors often depict the men in negative ways - hopefully your ex H is much nicer)

You asked about how things are here --
Much more okay on psychological level with a T and new Pdoc
Looking forward to having 19yo son for a few days visit at Easter

Today the washing machine stopped spinning but the wash cycle is fine
My arms ache from squeezing out water from sheets etc

Trust in myself is low -- just as was yours it seems
Something to work on

Sent with warm healing sunshine and safe soft hugs