Ugly as Sin :(

[Lostboy]

Honeybera, I am glad that you are back and had a chance to visit with your friend, I hope all is going well for you, it is always good to connect with close friends. I have taken some of your advice about boundaries and I forgave my Mother for her past abuse and neglect of me and my siblings, not for her but for me. This doesn't mean that we will be in a positive Mother and Child relationship. That depends on her and her respect for my new boundaries and my ability to control my emotions and rage.

I decided to forgive her after I saw her during our facetime and she looked so frail and broken. I on the other hand am huge and I thought that this is rediculous that I let this tiny frail woman have any control of my life. She has apologized and told me that she was in a bad place in her life when I was young. She had multiple suicide attempts and gave up my younger brother up for adoption during this time. I am going to strive to be positive and try hard not to look back on my horrible past. Much easier said than done, but this is what I have chosen to do.

Thanks Lostboy
(((((((((((((((((Honeybera)))))))))))))))))))))))

[honeybera]

Honeybera, I am glad that you are back and had a chance to visit with your friend, I hope all is going well for you, it is always good to connect with close friends.

I decided to forgive her after I saw her during our facetime and she looked so frail and broken. I on the other hand am huge and I thought that this is ridiculous that I let this tiny frail woman have any control of my life. She has apologized and told me that she was in a bad place in her life when I was young. She had multiple suicide attempts and gave up my younger brother up for adoption during this time. I am going to strive to be positive and try hard not to look back on my horrible past. Much easier said than done, but this is what I have chosen to do.

Thanks Lostboy
(((((((((((((((((Honeybera)))))))))))))))))))))))

OMG, Lostboy! You are doing so well!!

My relationship with N is half the reason I even wrote this thread. It is confusing and soul-ripping at times, but just when I'm about to walk away, "he pulls me back in" with his dazzling smile and sweet disposition. LOL We are both so different, and yet so much the same. We truly think alike, but his culture, religion, age, and even language is quite different from mine. I'm thinking about seeing if I can find and enjoy a friend that lives closer, but I've learned that most f2f friends can stab you in the back...not all, of course...but some can. I guess I'm a bit (read: a LOT!) timid about putting myself out there for friendship. My cousin just sent me her annual Christmas card with a phone number this time. I rarely respond, but I may this year. We'll see. I'm pretty happy now, albeit I'm getting cabin fever a bit, but if I do a bit of "dolling up" housework (organizing some in the kitchen, front room, garage, etc. - big jobs, but not overwhelming!) on a daily basis, I feel much better about myself. So I may sort a few boxes in the garage or clear a shelf, tidy up the kitchen fridge, weed out a patch in the yard, mop, vacuum, and so on. I've noticed that when I do that, the next morning I wake up feeling pretty good about what I've accomplished, and slowly but surely, I'm digging out of the mess. It's also helping me to lose weight, even at my age! I can feel the difference in my body. And the stuff I've found in the boxes in the garage and kitchen areas!! Most of it I didn't even know I had! Then I go through the "keep-donate-or trash" routine, and the "keep" category means I have to find it a home in my home. So on I go. It's a challenge and kind of tough to do this work while being this autistic and anti-social sometimes. Alone time is ok as long as it doesn't tip over into the dreaded isolation!!

I have taken some of your advice about boundaries and I forgave my Mother for her past abuse and neglect of me and my siblings, not for her but for me. This doesn't mean that we will be in a positive Mother and Child relationship. That depends on her and her respect for my new boundaries and my ability to control my emotions and rage.

Wow, Lostboy! You are lost no more! It took me years and years to figure this all out!!! I firmly believe that your emotions and rage will dissipate by themselves as you let things go. Hanging on to mine so vehemently only left me with negativity that I didn't want or need. It became brutally apparent to me only recently that it truly was time to let go, as you so perfectly put it, "not for her but for me".

I think I held on for so long because I felt that if I let go that she would be getting away with something, and I could simply not bear that thought. So I held on. We have a family story about the pigs and the potatoes: My paternal grandfather had a farm (way back in the day) and he had pigs. Someone gave him a whole bunch of old potatoes for pig feed, and he boiled them up in a big galvanized wash tub. Once they were boiled, he took them out still hot and threw them into the trough. The pigs would grab a scalding HOT potato and run around the pen screaming and squealing bloody murder because even though the potato was burning it's mouth, they hung on to that potato so no one else would get it.

The same principle was how I treated and saw forgiveness. I held on to the pain for way WAY too long, and once I let it go and dropped it, then the pain began to ease. Mommy Dearest had done all that I said she did, but once having dropped all that pain, because all the focus was on only the pain, I began to heal. My T. asked me repeatedly, "How much power are you going to give her?", and my T. was right! I was so busy looking at the pain MD had subjected me to in my childhood that I neglected my own happiness, which had been in my own hand all along! Now I'm not only recognizing where my own happiness lies, and even what it is that makes me happy, but also that my negative experiences in childhood, as devastating as they were, made me STRONGER! Like the old expression: "That which does not kill you only serves to make you stronger." Well worth dropping that hot potato!! It has truly given me my life back by freeing me to really look at what pleases me and exactly what makes me happy. Previously, I could only look at and dwell on the pain and negativity and shame that I had endured, but that left me without a clue as to my own happiness. And the happiness, the contentment with myself, is really what it's all about.

I decided to forgive her after I saw her during our facetime and she looked so frail and broken. I on the other hand am huge and I thought that this is ridiculous that I let this tiny frail woman have any control of my life.

I have recently come to this same conclusion with MD. She, too, is frail and broken. She was spoiled rotten by my father from ages 16-82, and when he passed, she deflated pitifully. She hates life now. Doesn't understand it without him to protect her. I, on the other hand, LOVE LIFE! I have found my peace, and my own peace of mind. How the tables have turned. I never had anyone to protect me, but I had me, and I learned to protect my own darned self, and it made me strong. I'd rather be me, to be honest with you. The road to get here was exceedingly treacherous and hard, but I wouldn't trade this place of quiet solace and satisfaction at the end of my life for anything.

She has apologized and told me that she was in a bad place in her life when I was young. She had multiple suicide attempts and gave up my younger brother up for adoption during this time. I am going to strive to be positive and try hard not to look back on my horrible past. Much easier said than done, but this is what I have chosen to do.

It sounds like she really did have a bad time of it early on, and at least you got her to own her own stuff and even got an apology, something that I have never gotten. Your past was indeed horrible, but without it, would you be you? You were shaped by that horrible past. Each step brought you closer to whoever it is that you are today. Would you change that? You can, you know, if you feel you need to. In fact, you are already doing that. No, Lostboy, you are doing great! Keep it up! And keep in touch.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lostboy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[Lostboy]

Code: Select all

My cousin just sent me her annual Christmas card with a phone number this time. I rarely respond, but I may this year. We'll see.

Honeybera, Respond, it may lead to a stronger relationship with your cousin. I got a fortune cookie not that long ago that said "If you watch your feet to make sure that you dont stumble in life, you will miss everything that goes on around you". Words to liveby....LOL

I think I held on for so long because I felt that if I let go that she would be getting away with something, and I could simply not bear that thought. So I held on. We have a family story about the pigs and the potatoes: My paternal grandfather had a farm (way back in the day) and he had pigs. Someone gave him a whole bunch of old potatoes for pig feed, and he boiled them up in a big galvanized wash tub. Once they were boiled, he took them out still hot and threw them into the trough. The pigs would grab a scalding HOT potato and run around the pen screaming and squealing bloody murder because even though the potato was burning it's mouth, they hung on to that potato so no one else would get it.

The same principle was how I treated and saw forgiveness. I held on to the pain for way WAY too long, and once I let it go and dropped it, then the pain began to ease. Mommy Dearest had done all that I said she did, but once having dropped all that pain, because all the focus was on only the pain, I began to heal. My T. asked me repeatedly, "How much power are you going to give her?", and my T. was right! I was so busy looking at the pain MD had subjected me to in my childhood that I neglected my own happiness, which had been in my own hand all along! Now I'm not only recognizing where my own happiness lies, and even what it is that makes me happy, but also that my negative experiences in childhood, as devastating as they were, made me STRONGER! Like the old expression: "That which does not kill you only serves to make you stronger." Well worth dropping that hot potato!! It has truly given me my life back by freeing me to really look at what pleases me and exactly what makes me happy. Previously, I could only look at and dwell on the pain and negativity and shame that I had endured, but that left me without a clue as to my own happiness. And the happiness, the contentment with myself, is really what it's all about.

My Grandparents were farmers in Eastern Kentucky and they also had pigs. I always was afraid of them. We didnt feed them potatoes but they ate everything else from the gardens that were unuseable. I could have written your last paragraph myself, this is exactly how I feel and that is why I had to let go of this past. You Honeybera are definately a strong person and are doing well for yourself.You have given me motivation to start to move on and do better in my life about letting go of the past and it really is a freeing feeling to just let go. I am still trying to figure out how to properly quote the paragraphs and respond. I am not all that tech savy. So sorry if I am butchering things.

It sounds like she really did have a bad time of it early on, and at least you got her to own her own stuff and even got an apology, something that I have never gotten. Your past was indeed horrible, but without it, would you be you? You were shaped by that horrible past. Each step brought you closer to whoever it is that you are today. Would you change that? You can, you know, if you feel you need to. In fact, you are already doing that. No, Lostboy, you are doing great! Keep it up! And keep in touch.

MD did have a bad time growing up and being married to my abusive Father, but we all survived, now I just need to continue to let go and move on. There is no question that my abusive past has made me into who I am today, I am very strong in alot of ways and weak in others , but I am me becuase of it. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.... I always thought that this quote was written for me. We are both doing great, Thanks LB

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Honeybera)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[honeybera]

I am still trying to figure out how to properly quote the paragraphs and respond. I am not all that tech savy. So sorry if I am butchering things.

Hey there, Lostboy! Nah, you are doing fine on the quotes. Start your reply first, then highlight something you'd like to quote below and press the (") quote icon at the upper right of the page. It works nicely.

I truly wish I could change the subject of this topic's name. I no longer feel like that, at least not quite as much. And I am about to go pack up some things from my kitchen for donation. I did want to say hi to you and hope that you had a very Merry Christmas. Mine was blissfully quite and very enjoyable!

BTW, my "sainted" dear brother "had a cold" and so left Mommy Dearest ALONE on Christmas , only to show up the next day without his dreaded cold! AND no harm, no foul as far as Mommy Dearest is concerned. Isn't that always the way? So easy to be the Golden Child!

{{{{{{{{{Lostboy}}}}}}}}}}

Take Care,
Honeybera

[Lostboy]

I am still trying to figure out how to properly quote the paragraphs and respond. I am not all that tech savy. So sorry if I am butchering things.

Hey there, Lostboy! Nah, you are doing fine on the quotes. Start your reply first, then highlight something you'd like to quote below and press the (") quote icon at the upper right of the page. It works nicely.

I truly wish I could change the subject of this topic's name. I no longer feel like that, at least not quite as much. And I am about to go pack up some things from my kitchen for donation. I did want to say hi to you and hope that you had a very Merry Christmas. Mine was blissfully quite and very enjoyable!

BTW, my "sainted" dear brother "had a cold" and so left Mommy Dearest ALONE on Christmas , only to show up the next day without his dreaded cold! AND no harm, no foul as far as Mommy Dearest is concerned. Isn't that always the way? So easy to be the Golden Child!

{{{{{{{{{Lostboy}}}}}}}}}}

Take Care,
Honeybera

Honeybera, I have used the cold story myself to get out of visiting MD, only to have her see me on FB at the beach. Oh well, life happens....I hope that you had a Merry Christmas and that 2016 will be the best New Year ever for you. Wishing you the very best... If you don't like the title start a new thread.

(((((((((((((((Honeybera)))))))))))))))))

[honeybera]

Hope you had a Merry Christmas, too, and have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!!!

It looks like it may be a good year for me. The above subject was from a really bad, but enlightening, day I had recently when I finally realized just how old I am! What did I expect to see on Skype? A teeny-bopper?

Sometimes a jolt like that is actually good for a person. I know it was for me! I also began to watch "My 600 lb. Life" on TLC. For some reason, watching that show has inspired me to NOT do what most of those good folks have done with their lives. I weighed 306.4 lbs. at my highest weight, and I can see just how close I came to stepping irrevocably over the edge of that cliff! On most of the programs, various people that can't bathe themselves or wipe themselves or fix their own food will still scarf down large plates of breaded chicken strips and french fried potatoes fixed for them by "loving family members" or "friends".

I'm on low carb, and have been since my highest weight in 2007 when I was unable to pass my physical for my Commercial License. My physical was on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving weekend, and my blood sugars were so high that sugar was in my urine, signalling to our DMV to revoke my license, and thereby my ability to work as a driver! I had only about 3 weeks before my license was kaput! I'd been on Atkins (low carb) in 1974 when it first came out for only a few weeks (if that much) when I quit. I had only a vague remembrance of how the diet even worked, and one of my driver friends at work had offered her book to me, but it was Thanksgiving = no one was around! So I let the turkey rot in the front seat of my pickup truck, didn't even go home (100 mi. away) to cook it, and ate only eggs and bacon for four days! I didn't know what else to eat. (I never realized that the turkey had ZERO carbs! So near, yet so far away!) But after reading the book loaned to me by that driver friend and following the diet religiously, by the time the three weeks were up, I was ok enough to pass my physical! Currently, my a1c is 7.1 (nearly normal), but in 2007 I was WAY up in the 12s, with my blood sugars in the 400s! Thank God for that scare!!

Now I bake my own Almond (or Coconut/Almond) Meal Muffins (a ton of varieties!) or even cakes/brownies/"donuts"/homemade low carb ice cream and Popsicles/you name it, IF I want a "sweet" treat. I also have wonderful low carb bread (imported from a bakery I found near N's home, and he sends it to me as needed - what a true friend!!), my newest french door fridge and upright freezer is stuffed with allowable yumminess (meats and veggies of ALL sorts, even certain "chopped salads"), and every kind of LOW CARB baking ingredients and allowable "sugars" (mostly Stevia and Swerve), plus an internet cookbook with every recipe imaginable! In addition, I have an app that calculates my carbs and calories, and I do this on a daily basis and have since May 20, 2015. I EAT WELL!! And my weight is slowly decreasing at a rate of about 4-10 lbs./month. My doctor loves me! What more could I want?! I'll look a heck of a lot better by next year at this time!

Oh, I know what more I could want!! I want my house and garage cleaned and my garden installed, and that is called E-X-E-R-C-I-S-E! And it's FREE. I'm also watching "Hoarders", and it helps motivate me as well. I cleaned up my front yard yesterday before the rains began (and it's forecast that it won't stop for the foreseeable future!). So I'll stay inside for a while, but there is PLENTY to do in here!!

I'm not saying that this is easy. No way! I keep falling over the old emotional garbage from my past. It's really quite hard. But I'm noticing that every time that I do something "good" for myself, it sort of puts me up one rung higher on the ladder, and that is a very nice reward, in addition to the weight loss! And at least I have no excuse for being bored.

I was just thinking the other day about how grateful I am for the internet! And my iPhone. And the perfect reception on my TV. And even my microwave! What would I do without all these relatively current technologies? I used to get SO BORED! I used to smoke (many moons ago) to alleviate my boredom and lack of support. Now I have other (and more healthy) distractions.

I'll keep you all posted on my old Obi Wan thread once my garden is established. YAY!! My God, there are so many WEEEEEEDS out there!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the hummingbirds are flitting around out there, and the doves and finches and juncos are coming for seeds I've thrown onto the ground. All is well in my (currently ratty looking) little garden. More to come. Spring is approaching. And I have 2 bare root donut peaches, an Elberta peach (if I remember correctly), an Anna apple tree (pollinator), a Blenheim apricot (I think), and an Aprium (apricot/plum hybrid) ordered already and available in a few weeks. I can hardly wait!! That's a LOT of hole digging, but I'll just do a little bit at a time. GREAT exercise! And I have spots for each of them already. Plus the weather report says that we'll get "higher than average" rainfall from Jan.-March. That is great news for a gardener in a state that has been in a state of severe drought, let me tell you!

Plus I have to find that drawer-fixer guy again to repair all the broken drawers in my house. I'm starting with the 4 kitchen drawers. He says that the drawers will then hold up to 100 lbs./drawer! For $40/drawer! Not bad. All steel brackets in the back. YAY!!

VERY GRATEFULLY,

Honeybera