T left

[pastelshades]

so.. have found it hard to find words recently. On the 18th of September the mother rang to tell me that she is leaving the country with my two brothers in December. They are going to live with the father, who lives in Asia, where i grew up. He left in 2013, although he has continued to pay for our upkeep. Before he left, his EA and VA had escalated to the point where life at home became unbearable.. after he left the mother struggled to cope with my brothers, and only weeks ago made the sudden decision to follow him out there. when she told me i cried so hard i felt sick. she alternated between being distressed and angry at my response, and started gaslighting me, shrieking that i 'never come home anyway' and telling me to decide that day whether she would stay or go. It was extremely triggering, like something out of a nightmare. Even though i rarely went home last year due to being at uni and trying to limit contact with them, the thought of having the FOO, who have always taken reliable care of my material needs, on the other side of the world, is terrifying. Especially with the way i have been struggling recently and over the summer.

I spent the summer holidays mainly alone in my student flat, or with my boyfriend, and even then i struggled to structure my time and life. I spent my days either at the gym, going for walks or in my room on my laptop. Even now i can't believe i was alone for all that time. It was like the being willingly alone was preferable to being 'home' with the awful lonely feelings. Being there seems to awaken my need for a safe caregiver, which of course is never met. and there are simply too many painful memories attached to that house.. in August I went with the mother and my brothers for a holiday to Asia and stayed with the father. That was extremely triggering, as the apartment was almost identical to the ones i grew up in. We even visited the malls and toy stores we used to go to. So many flashbacks and memories.. i cried every night for the first week, i felt so lonely. i could sense that my absence had caused a shift within the FOO.. i felt placeless in a way i'd never felt before... if i went to the toilet at a mall they'd just wander away and i couldn't find them.. if i stopped to take a photo they'd just walk off. Everyday was silence.. frozen.. then after that i started feeling numb and far away from myself. To cope with it all i'd go swimming everyday for hours. it felt awful, like being in a glass box shut away from everyone.

Being back at uni now has been some of the hardest weeks of my life. I have been feeling very young and struggling to access adult memories and ability. i have been struggling to get out of bed most days.. struggling to speak to people, to function. The workload is very intense here, and we are under a lot of stress. The suicidal urges have become stronger than they have ever been. The week my mother phoned, my T was unexpectedly absent. The next time i saw her, she told me she was having to discontinue seeing clients, and that she would have to prematurely end our contract. After this news, the suicidal urges and anxiety became so strong that i went to the doctor and asked for medication because all i could think of every day was how i wanted to die, and the more time went by the easier and more logical it seemed to do it.

I had my last session with my T today.. still feels so surreal. She told me all the things she would cherish about our time together, and that she would miss me. I was so triggered all i could do was cry.. at the end of the session she hugged me. It is so sad and unfortunate that she had to leave at this time when so much in my life is changing. i felt like she was the one person i could go to and feel truly understood by, truly seen. i did not feel ready to let her go so suddenly. one of the hardest things i find is having consistent, honest relationships with people in my life. It is terrifying and confusing for me. It does not feel safe. i have learned from experience and reading that this is probably due mostly to my inconsistent sense of self and the way i was raised. even though i know why, it is still hard, and something the inner critic is very harsh about. With T i felt safe in a way i never felt before with a therapist. I spoke aloud some of the abuse i'd only ever written about on here for the first time in my life, and she dealt with it in a caring and professional manner. I developed the ability to think and feel simultaneously. it was very rewarding.. losing this has added to the difficulty in functioning.
It is especially hard because i feel like some of my friends don't get it.. they can't relate to my experiences and don't understand how much difficulty i am having even in completing simple everyday tasks. Going into uni is especially hard right now.. and in my final year it is so crucial.. feeling like i am being seen as someone 'lazy' rather than someone struggling to cope is even harder. I keep trying to force myself to work at the same pace, to keep up.. but with all this recent stuff it's just too much. I don't know what to do.

[recover]

oh my dear pastelshades i am so sorry for the loss of your T. that is a very very hard loss.
please take gentle care, you are going through so much.
warmly,
recover

[Jonesy]

Hi pastelshades

I hear you. Everything sounds so terribly hard right now but, despite it all, you are holding on.
I sense that you are struggling to make sense of your self-imposed detachment from your parents. Perhaps it is the fear of the unknown as you lose this relationship, but I assume they will continue to support you financially?

Hoping you will begin the search for a new T when you feel ready.
Remember that you get to be in charge of your tomorrows.

[Fleur]

Hello Pastelshades

Wondering how you are a few months since T left and I guess your foo has moved by now

Have you finished your course?


Hoping you found Uni counselor useful

May 2016 be a safe brighter year for you , full of everything you enjoy
Sent with lots of energy and strength. May your wisdom guide you to what is best for yourself

Much caring from Fleur

[honeybera]

I had my last session with my T today.. still feels so surreal. She told me all the things she would cherish about our time together, and that she would miss me. I was so triggered all i could do was cry.. at the end of the session she hugged me. It is so sad and unfortunate that she had to leave at this time when so much in my life is changing. i felt like she was the one person i could go to and feel truly understood by, truly seen. i did not feel ready to let her go so suddenly. one of the hardest things i find is having consistent, honest relationships with people in my life. It is terrifying and confusing for me. It does not feel safe. i have learned from experience and reading that this is probably due mostly to my inconsistent sense of self and the way i was raised. even though i know why, it is still hard, and something the inner critic is very harsh about. With T i felt safe in a way i never felt before with a therapist. I spoke aloud some of the abuse i'd only ever written about on here for the first time in my life, and she dealt with it in a caring and professional manner. I developed the ability to think and feel simultaneously. it was very rewarding.. losing this has added to the difficulty in functioning.

Wow. I could have written this myself when my T decided to retire. I understand your pain and confusion. But take a deep breath and forge on, pastelshades. You are in your senior year, about to graduate. Keep your eyes on the prize, no matter what nonsense and chaos swirls around you. Dig deep and keep your T in your heart and mind. You know what she'd wish for you. I agree with Jonesy: try to find a new T ASAP. Just remember to be selective. It sounds like your former T was a VERY good one, and those are more difficult to find, but it's so necessary to do so.

Going into uni is especially hard right now.. and in my final year it is so crucial.. feeling like i am being seen as someone 'lazy' rather than someone struggling to cope is even harder. I keep trying to force myself to work at the same pace, to keep up.. but with all this recent stuff it's just too much. I don't know what to do.

With all the abandonments (both family and T) and stressors (both uni + loss) you are facing at the moment, none of this is "easy", and you need to allow yourself the right to cope in any way that is available to you. This does NOT include "being lazy", but rather by supporting your struggle to make sense of the nonsensical, and pastelshades, THIS is NONSENSE! Picture this: your daughter is battling to succeed in her last year at uni and you decide to pull the rug out from under her by leaving the country (for Pete's sake!!), taking the entire rest of her family with you?? Would you do that to her? Why not?? And there you go. It's unthinkable, and the emotional trauma that you are facing (now without even your trusted and beloved T to make as much sense of it as possible) including all of this pain and confusion and self worth issues ALONE would buckle anyone's knees.

I was in your shoes once. I had gone to a state uni., but I let go and dropped out. With family support, I could have finished, but Mommy Dearest had dropped out of high school, and it gave her the utmost glee to know I could no longer attend and better myself. I know that you have worked SO HARD to get here to your senior year. DON'T LET THE TURKEYS GET YOU DOWN, not at this late date!! You can even use us on isurvive to dump it on. HANG IN THERE! If you do, I sincerely doubt that to continue on with the brave fight will never be a decision that you will regret. We are all here for you! Use us to help you through this stage of your life.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I promise you that. Things will change. Life will even out. Be good to yourself and GRADUATE! Huge hugs for you!!

{{{{{{{{pastelshades}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera