I looked around and thought of starting a new topic, but this seems ok, so here goes:
I've been watching a lot of Dr. Phil lately as I do my (mountain of) chores here in the house (105ºF heat wave outside in the garden - making lemonade out of lemons, so to speak), and old Dr. Phil hit on a trigger that I'm not sure if I mentioned or not. I thought I'd rather stick it over on the sexual abuse area of this site, but I can't go out of this "thread" or else I have to log in again and I can't remember my password.
So I'll just put it here instead.My father, the absolute enabler and protector of Mommy Dearest, used to do some sexual things to me, or at least I considered them sexual. My mother finally put an abrupt stop to it when I was almost 13. I developed early, REALLY early, and by the time I was nearly a teen, I had a real rack on me. My father played a game with me that he called "tickling my titties". It was exactly what it sounds like. It started when I quite little, because he'd done this for as long as I can remember. But when I was about, oh, I don't know...8 or 9 and began to develop, he did it more. He would hold me down on my back on the floor and "tickle" me...yes, on my titties! He didn't try to hide it. Did it right in front of my mother. And if anyone objected, he would act like they were being ridiculous, that he was "just playing".
Was he?? I honestly don't know. I know I was uncomfortable with it, and Mommy Dearest, who NEVER protected me from ANYTHING, was the one who finally said (curtly!), "_____! Stop doing that to her!" I don't think she was suddenly altruistic and protective of me (certainly!!), but rather I think she said that to my father out of a sense of jealousy. And that did put a stop to it.
I do know that in my mother's eyes I did not register as a human being, but something more like a long-term chore. She was in fact driven by her perception of chores and her ability to do them properly. It was her ticket to ride in this life, and her worth was measured by it. She is MEGA-COMPETITIVE with all around her except my father when he was alive and my brother now. All others are fair game for her and her competitive nature. She has to be the best to qualify in her own mind.
So imagine how she looked at the old "tickling your titties" game! I don't know how he saw it (although I know how he should have seen it!!!!), but she saw it as ME attempting to "take her man"!! And honestly, that's exactly how she acted towards me! The beatings increased until I left home. (BTW, my brother, the "saint", had been born and was MD's new ticket to ride. She didn't need the "old child" anymore to "qualify". I was an even more unwanted, and now unnecessary, CHORE!)
And come to think of it, when my friend's mother caught my friend and I over at a couple of boy's house when their mother was at work (9th grade), and she interrupted what was going on (not much with me, but I think my friend was a lot more "mature thinking" than I was - a LOT more!), she took us straight to my house to face my parents. From that time on, my father would have nothing to do with me. Odd that. Until I moved out at 18, NOTHING. Like he had to pay for my keep, but that was it.
And as punishment for being over at the boy's house, my mother cut my long hair off. She beat me so bad, washed my hair over and over so my hair would be flyaway, and then cut my bangs to about 3/4" long and laughed as she told me that those were Mamie Eisenhower bangs. I didn't want to go to school, I was so ashamed. I really looked ridiculous. My father rarely spoke to me after that.
BTW, after this debacle ended and I was sent alone to bed upstairs, my father and mother retired each to their own twin beds...along with my sainted brother, who slept all cuddled up with MD until he was 6 yrs. old!! He had a room upstairs across from my room, but he never used it. TO THIS DAY, he doesn't want to talk about it. Again, how odd, hm?
I think I know when the pain of all the years with them will end: when it doesn't trigger me anymore.
When 'the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes' no longer prick at me when Dr. Phil mentions them, I will be whole. While I busy myself with my chores, chores that I truly WISH to do now, and bringing them up no longer affects me with a reaction, then I'll finally be free!The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
I need to work on my home (and it's slowly beginning to get to exactly how I want it to look/be - by MY OWN STANDARDS) and to lose weight for my health, which I am faithfully doing. I have to keep remembering that I do NOT have to compete with her anymore, like the comment she made on my visit out to see her and she wanted to compare who had the bigger/best looking BOOBS. 
I'll be 70 next year and she's 86. Who the hell cares anymore who has the perkier or floppier?? Good Lord!
My brother has thrown her into that nursing home...and so be it. I don't have to go see her or call her. And IF SHE IS EVER MEAN TO ME AGAIN, I can just NOT see her or talk to her. She needs to realize that IT'S A PRIVILEGE that I give her, NOT A RIGHT!! And if she dies, ok. We'll all die at some point. And that chapter of my life will close. I just want the book to stay shut regarding MD!! I still have a life to live, for Pete's sake, and I'll be damned if she's going to be given my power again! Because I won't give it away, ever again!!!!!!!!! It's MY POWER NOW!! She no longer has the ability to be cruel in my life because I won't allow it. I want to re-parent myself with the kindness and patience that was taught me by my beloved grandparents, and that's just what I'm doing.
{{{{{{Hugs to you all!!}}}}}}}} Thank God you are here! I am so grateful for this site where I can come and dump this garbage, release it, and not have to clutter up my life with it. I hope you have been aided by something that you read on here. I do get long-winded...
Honeybera
