A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.
Thanks for all the support and reassurance everyone. Feeling a bit better about the idea of the stress leave.
Overall I'm just feeling so depleted. I love my best friend and I know that she means well but she is putting so much pressure on me making a change and getting a new job. I just don't feel that I can. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel smart enough. I feel like a piece of trash who isn't worth a decent job. It makes me crave the self harm so badly, I want the punishment of it. But then I don't want to let everybody down.
I hate my mom. I want to tell her what a shitty mom she was. I want to forget the whole thing. My feelings are everywhere.:(
((((((((((((((((((Greendiva)))))))))))))))))))))
It's so obvious from your posts that you are a good, dear person and very intelligent. You deserve and can find a decent job, but only when it's right for you and you're ready.
I get it about hating your mom and having your emotions be all over the place. I'm experiencing that too, but I have a quote from one of your posts: "I think this is grief. I'm sad. I guess I need to feel it to be able to get through it." Your words are inspiring me to feel my feelings and heal my grief.
I hear you when you write about feeling depleted, and this seems like a good indication that you probably really need to take the leave from work so you can heal.
I'm thinking of you this morning and wondering how you are and how things are going for you. Have you taken the leave from work (forgive me if I missed this info in your posts)? I hope you're feeling better, and I'm sending loving, healing thoughts to you and warm, safe hugs.
Thanks so much for checking in. Means a lot. I haven't yet taken the leave but only because my doctors appointment isn't until tomorrow. I'm kind of freaking out about it now. I feel silly, like I'm just making a big deal out of nothing and I should suck it up and just work. But the last set of shifts, 4x12 hrs (I finished just this morning ) was totally brutal. My patient was really sick last night. Was really busy with a really agitated, combative dying patient the night before and his poor wife. I'm so worn out and exhausted from that place. I cannot stand to be there. Last night when I was there all I wanted to do was cry and go home and crawl into my bed. It's not fair that my job is so hard. I hate it. I hate myself for hating it, because I'm too selfish and caught up in my own misery to actually care about these patients who have cancer. Maybe I'm just trying to find a reason to hate myself, and I don't know why I do that. Like I actually find it somehow comforting to be mean and horrid with myself.
More than anything though, I'm so messed up over my past. I need to grieve but I don't want to. It's like I can't let it happen, or maybe I don't want it to? I don't want my boyfriend to see it. I don't want anyone to see it. Too embarassed by these feelings to tell T. I don't know what to do.
I'm just trying to distract myself with exercise and crafts and smoking lots of pot, rather than self harm. Most days I really feel that I'm only resisting the self harm because it's easier than having my boyfriend and best friend know that I am failing and it would hurt them too if I went back to self harming. So I'm not doing it at all, which I guess is good. Sigh.
I don't really have anything else to say, so that's all for now.
I was glad to hear from you and sad that you're struggling and hurting so. I'm glad you're getting to see your doctor tomorrow and with what you wrote about your last shifts at work, the leave sounds like a good idea. I'm here listening and offering support, love and comfort. The grieving is hard work, and I resist it myself every day. I'm glad you're not self-harming.
Please take good care and keep in touch if you'd like. I've appreciated our connection here.
I went to my doctor's appointment, but I was a wreck! I was so anxious and on the verge of tears the whole time and it totally showed!!! I was so embarassed about that. My doctor talked about increasing my meds and originally I hadn't intended to, I thought I could just try the stress leave and maybe it would help and I'd be able to lift my mood that way. But then my doctor said "I feel like I could say one thing, and you would burst into tears right here in my office" and it was so true and I started apologizing right away, bc I felt so awkward and bad for being such a wreck. Anyway she said "it's totally fine, I just think we should increase your dose" and so I agreed. Sigh. She may very well be right, I don't necessarily disagree, maybe I do need it. I'm certainly willing to try it. I was also thankful that she was so nice.
I am off for one set of shifts which gives me a total of 2 weeks off. I made an appointment for 2 days before the end of my leave and I might go ask for 1 more set off...feel guilty and embarassed and don't know if I will go through with it. I saw my T today and we had a good session, but I'm having a hard time being vulnerable all the way . It's not that I don't trust him, because I do. I think he/his approach is a rlly good match for me. But vulnerability and letting someone else witness it are really big challenges for me. I see him again on Tuesday which is nice bc that's only 5 days between our appointments vs the usual 7-10 and I'm feeling extra needy. Also, Mother's Day is coming up here where I live and I'm worried I'm going to be a mess.
Anyway. I hope it's okay that I just come vent this stuff here. I guess there's not really a point to it but I'm just really struggling with it all right now. This is the grief I guess, and it's a nightmare.
(((((((((greendiva)))))))))
sorry it has been such a hard day for you.
It sounds to me like you are really taking good care of yourself.
The adjustment of meds is always tricky to get the correct dosage and the needs often fluctuate. There are so many people these days on meds so don't feel like you are the only one going through this, if that is any assurance to you.
It seems like things are always worse in my mind when I am anticipating them .... and then the actual event I have been stressing about comes along and it is never as bad as my imaginations and often way much better. I hope that is the case for you on Mother's Day.
What would happen if you did not get together with her this year and honored how you are feeling?
I declined the compony of a sister and brother this year out of respect for my feelings about our relationship. It has been about 6 months since I have spoken to my sister and I think I will send her a birthday card, I feel like I can do that and I want to do that.
I have decided that I am worth honoring my feelings and I do not need to bully myself into spending time with anyone, family included who do not honor and respect me.
Anyway, we all do things how we do them.
You are so smart to take time off and take care of yourself, you no doubt, really need the this rest and re-grouping time. Hope you find it a full 2 weeks of healing and are rejuvenated.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Greendiva))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Here reading along, sending you support, comfort and so much love. I don't have words of wisdom, but I trust that you'll find your way through this to what works best for you and meets your needs. I was struck this a.m. by the subject of your thread: These feelings are so hard. I agree that this is true for me! But feel them we must. I'm wishing you a day of peace and comfort.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Greendiva))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Here listening, caring about you and sending love, support and strength to you this a.m. Wishing you a good weekend and relief from pain and difficulties.
You wrote: "Anyway. I hope it's okay that I just come vent this stuff here. I guess there's not really a point to it but I'm just really struggling with it all right now. This is the grief I guess, and it's a nightmare."
It is absolutely okay that you come here and vent whenever and whatever you need to. The grief, for me, IS a nightmare! And venting here, expressing my pain and fear here, getting kind support and validation, is a huge part of my own healing. And we care about you here, we're interested in how you're doing. You're important and what's happening to you matters.
:(