Letting go

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei

Post Reply
honeybera
Member
Posts: 890
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Aug 14, 2019 4:52 am

Hi EasyStreet!
EasyStreet wrote:
Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:01 pm
Thanks for your posts. I can feel the sunshine even in my darkened room!
I'm glad you can feel the sunshine! Writing it all out, voluminous as it might be, is my ultimate therapy. :P MD cannot hurt me anymore at this stage of my life unless I allow her access, and I do NOT allow it whatsoever! That kind of realization and the intense satisfaction and power of "telling on her" (FINALLY!!) to others who can understand (like all of you!) and who can empathize with what I went through is deeply soothing to me and very therapeutic! That, in and of itself, is enough to bring sunshine into my life. Happy to share it with you! :mrgreen:
EasyStreet wrote:
Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:01 pm
I remember well the goat heads of my youth! No longer live near them but one never forgets that barefoot reminder!
Both DS and I got stabbed today with a couple of them that were carried inside the house deeply enough to make us bleed a dot of blood when it was pulled out...OUCH!! When I stepped on mine my hands were full and I was on my way to the kitchen. Had to call DS to pull it out of my heel. I just need to get out there and eliminate as many of the seeds as possible...they say it takes about 5-6 yrs. to completely get rid of them! But last year as I walked around the backyard in my Crocs (rubber gardening shoes), I would come back inside and pull out of my soles maybe 100 or more of the little devils, but not this year (only one or two per trip). A couple may slip by me and get stuck in the carpet like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for a bare foot to come by, but we're so far ahead of the game this year compared to last year. Progress!!! :mrgreen:

My new headboard, Zinus bed frame, and Sealy mattress has arrived and is all nicely setup now. Waiting for my bedding to dry ATM. It is firmer than I'd pictured, but I saved my super soft mattress topper in case it becomes needed. But the bed LOOKS GREAT!!! I am quite pleased with it.

I did have a bit of a hassle last night. I had to clear away some old cardboard boxes filled with this and that from the foot of my bed (clutter) so we could assemble the new bed frame after removing the old bed. I had know that this needed to be done for the last three weeks, but...I just dawdled and put it off until the last minute. I even felt sick and avoided doing it like the plague. But this time it was different: I recognized that I was doing it! It was like I was responsible for my actions or lack thereof, that what I CHOSE to do was shame-free, and I knew that it was up to me either way. I decided to get up, put down the iPhone videogame, and just touch a box or two and decide where just that box should go...and then do the next box. The garage will be the same way: one foot in front of the other.

Before I knew it, it was done, so I vacuumed the spot and then went to bed, setting my alarm for 7:30am. DS was asleep, so I just grabbed him this morning and we completed the bed frame assembly job by the time the delivery men showed up at 11am with my new mattress. I really need to study on this and why I do this to myself, all the fretting and inaction and then guilt, but I'm very aware that this is the first glimmer of hope that I can really heal up and be shed of all the harm that MD crippled me with!! This is the best part of my entire life and I'm starting to feel like my own person rather than just feeling like a capable and functional pack mule for others. It's a really good feeling!!

===========================

OMG! I tried it out with the sheet and pillows on! OMG!! Really comfy, but WAY firmer than my old mattress - so tonight's the night. I have high hopes for it. :mrgreen:

It will be 107ºF tomorrow. :roll: So I have to get to sleep early tonight. Watering first, then to the grocery store, then HOME into my a/c house during the HEAT!!
EasyStreet wrote:
Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:01 pm
More sunshine for you and your garden!
I'd like more "happiness" for my garden, maybe not so much sunshine, but I understand what you mean. ;) {{{{{EasyStreet!}}}}} My garden is wilting in the heat right now. My GardenGlide hasn't come yet, but it doesn't matter b/c 1) the garage needs to come first in the early morning after I water the yard for the next several days, and 2) the heat out there is crazy! I couldn't work out there dragging heavy pots and bags of manure from one side of the yard to the other. Way too hot yet. SOON though.

OK 9:30pm bedtime! Wish me luck with the new bed!! :?

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 890
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Aug 16, 2019 4:34 am

Hi all. I have been thinking a lot lately about myself and how I am pushing myself towards gentle discipline and the truth. My yard/garden isn't the best this year due to some silvery crud thing that's all over my citrus and my squash. :roll: But even in the heat of the noonday sun (if I haven't gotten up and gone outside to water earlier when it's still 65-70ºF out there), I've still done it! That is such a big deal for me. I'm disciplining myself to either get out there and water my plants (and fill the "water bird bath" + the food birdbath, dry and filled with seeds, etc.) AT MINIMUM or else just watch all my plants die and the birds go elsewhere for water and food. I choose the former, but it is very difficult for me to do it sometimes. Last summer with July and August temps. like these of 107º-110ºF, I sat inside, wanting to go out and water, but I could not force myself to do it and watched through my WOW all my plants wither and die. It's still a choice for me, an option, but to succumb to another depression that deep is a very painful choice that I don't want. So I haven't missed a day of watering yet! I'm very proud of myself for that!

I'm glad that I'm staying away from MD. If I could only get the good side of her, I'd go see her in an instant, but that's not how it goes, sadly. Just after the cooing sweetness comes the verbal poison, and I know that that poison would linger and stay with me for a long, long time, rattling around in my head and depressing me. It's just not worth it.

I'm also noticing just how chaotic my kitchen is. It's actually quite a bit better than it used to be, but the old underlying chaos still shows through. I have 5 tried and true keto recipes that I love and need to make very often, but (especially with the new bread machine recipe) I'm deeply desiring to have all my stuff together for each recipe. I'm getting new measuring cups and measuring spoons sets so I don't have to search all over the kitchen for measuring tools. They are used regularly, and so should be in a regular place within easy grasp. This is not a lot to ask of myself and DS, who puts away the dishes from the dishwasher. He wholeheartedly agrees. This is all new for me! Baby steps...

I just wanted to share this with you all...and now off to bed so I don't have to water in the blaring sun tomorrow! I'd like to get rid of more goat heads, but that is not a job for this old gal to do in the summer heat at noontime!! It's definitely a morning job!! ;)

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13380
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm

Here reading along honeybera

Agree with you about life being different from last summer for you. you've worked hard. Congratulations

Seems like you are more time wise this year

May you enjoy the weekend


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 890
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sat Aug 17, 2019 4:55 am

Fleur wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Here reading along honeybera
Oh my dear Fleur! It's very nice to hear from you!! When do you go into the hospital? I thought you may have gone already. Glad you haven't yet. :mrgreen: Radiology called me this morning and scheduled me for next week. At least it'll be somewhat cooler (or so they say). I actually REQUESTED an early morning appointment (8:30am)!! :lol: :roll: I should be able to find a parking spot at that hour since the doctors don't show up until 9am.
Fleur wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Agree with you about life being different from last summer for you. you've worked hard. Congratulations
Thank you! I hear you that you've been working at it, too. Sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other.
Fleur wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Seems like you are more time wise this year
"Time wise." What a lovely way to put it. I still sit a lot most of the day, probably way too much, but I keep getting up and puttering away at whatever chore I choose to do. It's the fridge tonight since cauliflower is on sale for 98¢ EACH at the store and I want room for them!! There is so much I can do with cauliflower!!

Tonight I've made a really tasty Lemon Pound Cake. Once it cools, I'll top it with a powdered "sugar" (not really sugar-sugar :P ) and lemon juice mixture. Oh, this recipe is a KEEPER!!! Easy to make and YUMMY!! It's a mix of almond flour and for the first time I used coconut flour and several eggs, and the aroma of it baking knocked my socks off!! It smells just like lemon cake!! I love this WOE!!

And speaking of loving things!! I GOT MY GARDEN GLIDE TODAY!!! It's just a BIG piece of heavy duty plastic with a sturdy rope attached to it and a handle on the rope, but I LOVE IT!! It's going to be big enough to use as a cover for my "food" birdbath in the winter when it rains and ruins any seed left behind in there! You should have seen the disgusting black glop and goo that I had to clean out this Spring! HORRIBLE!! Now THIS year I'll just cover the food area with the GardenGlide whenever it rains (which is seldom) and place something heavy on top (like some bricks or something or even use bungee cords??) so it doesn't blow away in a storm, and when it's not raining, I'll uncover the birdbath temporarily and use the GardenGlide to move things around in my backyard! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! Its Winter home will be on the food birdbath though. If it's raining, I won't be toting things around the yard anyway. Better exercise than I'd get down at the gym!! :P

ALSO! I called Lowe's today, hoping that they'd have gotten my "special order" hummingbird plants in, only to have my enthusiasm dashed by some clerk who disavowed me of any hope of getting a special order. "We don't do special orders!" AARRGGHH!! :x That's not what the last guy said. So I turned to Annie's Annuals (and perennials). She's as close to me as this faraway Lowe's is where I was going to go pick up some California Fuchsias. And our dear Annie not only has those plants, but a TON of others, too! So nuts to Lowe's!! They aren't the ONLY nursery around here. Heck, they're not even close to being "the best". But Annie's IS!! It's just a long trek by myself. I'm hoping that DS would go with me. ♥♥He's awfully good to his mother!!♥♥

Oh Fleur, there are SO MANY gorgeous heat tolerant and hummingbird friendly (plus bees and butterflies) plants at Annie's (anniesannuals dot com), and from my WOW next Spring I should be able to see a swarm of tall bright red trumpet flowers next to the fence, then others a bit shorter in front of them, and then ground cover, all covered with those tiny cylindrical flower shapes in a bedazzling rainbow of enticing colors planted especially for my hummingbird friends. Somehow doing this is kind of soul-satisfying for me, knowing that I'm giving those wonderful little hummers the best food imaginable for them, and I can watch them silently as they jet about as I sit behind my "mirrored" one-way view from my WOW. A happy payoff for all of us.

I also ate a peach today (a big deal for someone as strict with their ketogenic diet as I am!) from my Arctic Supreme white peach tree for dessert tonight. I may pick all the rest of them and give them to my neighbors. Really sweet peaches! Such a treat!! All of my squashes are dying, not because of anything I have done, but rather because of some unknown blight out there. It gets all over the leaves and blossoms, everything sort of dries up, and they quit producing anything. The squashes over in the dog's yard seem to be ok, so I'm encouraged by that. Three or four squash varieties next year, planted in old tires or cinder blocks (?), 30 gallon SmartPots for the tomatoes (2-3 varieties) and several varieties of peppers, too. AND THAT'S IT! I don't know where I'll put my blueberries and raspberries yet, but they are really looking good right where they are ATM! They do need re-potting though. I even have a tiny little Bay Laurel tree (for bay leaves) that is looking good so far. With these horribly hot summers, it's all about some protection from the sun sometimes.

And now it's nearly bedtime. The new bed is "meh". It's ok, I guess, but it's WAY too "firm" for me. I may put on the old mattress topper that I had on my old bed and see how that is. We need our good sleep, that's for sure. And I will, right after I put the lemon glaze on that pound cake! YUM!! Oh, and the bread is in the breadmaker. See if it turns out nicely again! :mrgreen:

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13380
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sat Aug 17, 2019 10:31 pm

Wowee honeybera


You are enjoying so many things - getting and keeping house/surroundings neat, clean and tidy; new baking ideas; attracting bees/birds with plants. Really good uses for garden glider. Do any of the seeds grow in the soil?

Great that you have organised early morning appointment and your son is assisting in various ways. Hopefully, you'll sort out best option for sleeping. As you say, we do need quality sleep

Currently in local acute hospital but should be discharged tomorrow (Monday) and the planned admission in city is 22nd September - unsure the length of hospitalisation

My sister asked if I could commit to a day per week to give her a break from caring for parents. On proviso of being well enough, I agreed - then she remembered I couldn't due to all the pets. I also pointed out that Dad tends to be more feisty after I'm there. He's supposed to return home from rehab on Tuesday - however, needs to be medically stable to do so

May you and son have a lovely rest of weekend


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 890
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Aug 28, 2019 7:07 am

G'day Fleur! :mrgreen: [Oh my, this is a LONG one!]

Just came in from out front with DS. Trimming down the sparse weeds out there. Such an attitude change in DS!! He's still out there finishing up with the blower! He seems to be taking an interest in our house lately, and when he thought I didn't trust him for the car loan (from the bank but in my name), he's got it paid up until late November! :P He is showing more pride in his room and the new car. That car is a beauty! Power everything and even a backup camera. It's better (and newer) than my little car, but it is his "office", too, when he works his PT job and needs to take it "on site" and sit up all night in it. I'm really pleased with his new attitude! He's a good son!

I wonder if my own attitude change (sans MD) is affecting his attitude as well. I finally went to sleep at 2am last night and set my alarm for 6:45am so I could get out there in the front yard with the weedeater. That's usually my job alone and if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. It will be 102ºF for the next 3 days and I just couldn't do it in the heat, so the crack of dawn it was. He met me in the garage and hit the weeds with as much verve as I did! AMAZING!

That said, I've been contemplating a visit with MD lately, or at least a phone call to my brother to see how she is doing. It's almost like an addiction and I'm being drawn to it. On the other hand, I know exactly what I'll get, and that is not good for my psyche. I continue to have the nagging thought of what I might feel when she actually dies (always her fervent wish since my father died in 2011). I really don't want to be around all that negativity, especially right now! So what is drawing me towards her??! Habit?? Some sense of longing for the "cookie baking Mama" that she never was and never will be? Dr. Phil says, "You can't give what you don't have." Or am I doing it to somehow gloat over her, now that she's powerless, obese herself, and miserable, unable to further harm me (at least physically)? Why not just live my own life and leave her out of mine?

So a call to my brother? "How's MD?" I haven't spoken to him in a year's time already. Last time I did that was because MD had told me that her single tiny room there at the nursing home cost $15,000/month and I found that hard to believe! DB told me that they had raised the price in the last month from $5700 to $6200 - still a pretty steep price, but around $10,000 short of what the lying MD had told me!! I don't need these people!!!!

I've also been pondering MD's favorite word: ELEGANCE/ELEGANT! She LOVES to "be elegant" or for things to "have elegance". Maybe that's why I shy away from such pomposity! And the funniest thing about it is that she was born into a real Grapes of Wrath scenario!

Oh my! I just looked up the word pomposity to make sure that it was right when describing MD (I often look up words) and OMG! DEAD ON!!
Synonyms and Antonyms of pomposity

an exaggerated sense of one's importance that shows itself in the making of excessive or unjustified claims

" restaurant reviews that are written with a pomposity that will leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth"

Synonyms of pomposity

arrogance, assumption, bumptiousness, consequence, haughtiness, hauteur, high horse, huffiness, imperiousness, loftiness, lordliness, masterfulness, peremptoriness, pompousness, presumptuousness, pretense (or pretence), pretension, pretentiousness, self-consequence, self-importance, superciliousness, superiority, toploftiness
Words Related to pomposity

authoritativeness, bossiness, bowwow, brag, dominance, high-handedness

condescension, disdain, scorn

chest-thumping, inflation, self-assertion, side [chiefly British], snobbery, snobbishness, snobbism, snootiness

attitude, cheek, cheekiness, impertinence, impudence, sauciness

boastfulness, bombast, braggadocio, bravado, strut, swagger, triumphalism, vaingloriousness, vainglory

cockiness, complacence, conceit, egoism, egotism, pride, pridefulness, self-assumption, self-centeredness, self-complacency, self-conceit, self-content, self-contentment, self-opinion, self-partiality, self-satisfaction, smugness, swelled head, vanity

superiority complex

Near Antonyms of pomposity

bashfulness, demureness, retiringness, shyness

diffidence, self-distrust, self-doubt, timidity, timidness

lowliness, meekness, mousiness, passiveness, passivity, submissiveness

quietness, reserve, reservedness
Antonyms of pomposity

humility, modesty, unassumingness, unpretentiousness
As I read these descriptions I noticed that MD had a ROLE to play as the pompous one, BUT that I ALSO had a ROLE to play! That was the FORCED ROLE of the "NEAR ANTONYMS OF POMPOSITY" (listed above) and that she deliberately groomed her child "opponent". Naturally, she was always the "WINNER" of every "battle", and she sometimes blatantly used my father as backup, as her enforcer, if she needed additional brute strength, and she'd threaten me with it. But this type of behavior really did affect me since I was always cast in the ROLE of "LOSER". I could never "win" against, as she put it, their "UNITED FRONT". Daddy Dearest always followed her orders, too, without question most of the time. That can really make a difference to an infant/child/teen/adult, especially coming from their mother!! IT IS ALL HER FAULT!! SHE AND HER NARCISSISTIC NUTTINESS IS THE ONE TO BLAME! SHAME ON HER!! What a horrible thing to do to a child, even more to do it to your OWN child!!!!!!!!

But it did happen and it happened to me. I was left holding the bag of insane impressions of "what's wrong with me??", years and years, decades and decades of therapy, low self esteem, and self loathing, trying and trying to figure out WHY. Right up until I recently quit seeing her, she continued to push this negative impression of me TO ME. She is great, perfect, and above fault (according to HER), and I am beneath contempt, loathsome, and beyond help (again, according to HER). Anything less than complete damnation of me is unacceptable. I am dirt, and only she is worthy. And there is NO DOUBT in my mind that she would continue this lifelong set of behaviors towards me to this day, starting with the first visit.

So why go see her? Even asking DB about her? I'd like to dig that urge to see her out of my psyche and rid myself of it once and for all.

============================

I just looked up "superiority complex" since MD used to say that frequently: "I don't have an INFERIORITY complex! I have a SUPERIORITY complex!!" This statement was made DECADES AND DECADES ago, well before there were computers! So there was never a way to check and understand what that truly meant. It means that when a person is outwardly bragging that they have a superiority complex, what that actually means is that they have an INFERIORITY complex!! She felt very ashamed of her past, of being abandoned by her own parents and having been adopted by my grandparents when she was 6, and that she suffered from self loathing (and thereby loathed all females as well).

I was a disappointment to her as soon as I was born to her at 17 after a LONG and painful labor. In addition, once born I CRIED a lot (perhaps due to MD's own inner turmoils and stress which was then felt by me) AND I was a lot more work than my teeny-bopper MD was ready for (hence, diapers, feeding, and more intimate and psychological growth needs of an infant, like love and kindness, which she didn't have to give). I also made it impossible for her to be closer to my father as he went off to work and she was "stuck" with this squalling infant and living in my grandparent's house for the next 1½ yrs! I slept in a bedroom BY MYSELF while my parents shared a bedroom with 2 twin beds with my then unmarried Aunt M. who worked graveyard shift. Not one person there had had ANY prior experience with an infant. Not even my grandparents!

===============================

Sorry this is so darned long. Went to see "the doctor" today due to a UTI. I ended up seeing this nincompoop Nurse Practitioner who says I have plaque in my right carotid and then went on to...oh, who cares? It was a bust, to put it mildly. I did get my prescription. I am so frustrated!!!! So I came home and watched my dear Dr. Jason Fung (the Intermittent Fasting guy's youtube videos). That idiotic NP gasped when she had asked if I felt that I could fast for a few hours and I replied, "Heck, I fast every day for anywhere from 18-23 hrs. every day." and she blurted out, "OMG, YOU'RE STARVING YOURSELF???" I assured her that I simply wasn't hungry, not on keto foods (they're very filling and one meal usually does it), and it goes on from there! :roll: :roll: :roll: She was so dumb, so misinformed, yet in a position of authority. Dr. B says the same old crap (whenever I can get an appointment with him!), I'm sick of it, and I'm simply not going back there EVER. And all she wanted me to do was to see 3 different SURGEONS to operate on my hands, feet, and whack that plaque out of my neck which she added could CAUSE a stroke!!! NUTS TO THAT! :roll:

So what I've decided to do for my health is to not sit around "as much". And towards that end, I took my dogs for a walk this evening, one at a time, first Spot and then Dot. They LOVED it! I'm going build up to walking them each around the block once a day. Healthy for all of us. And the cooler days are coming soon (THIS WAS THE LAST OF THE 100ºF DAYS!! :mrgreen: ) and I can get back out in my yard and do some healthy, heavy work. I'm going tomorrow to pick up the last of the potting soil (30 bags) and bring it home in the pickup and begin to tote it one by one into the backyard (along with the manure bags that are already in the truck's bed) with that new GardenGlide. I will start with one bag per trip and work up from there to two bags or three if possible. And then 'THE GARAGE'!!! :shock: I also have a TON of pruning and clean up work to do. It's all good healthy work and I plan to do it one step at a time, resting as needed.

After the debacle at the doctor's office, I attempted to finally resolve the nightmare started by the Russian hackers (can you believe it!!??) back on Aug. 5th where Amazon blocked my entire account and store card. I was EVENTUALLY successful tonight, but have still not made a purchase. I'm looking at a lot of kitchen items (new measuring cups/spoons/scoops, dust covers for my wire shelves [which get "dog dust" from their pen on all my baking pans that I use for cooking - UGH!], and I'm staring glassy-eyed at a new Empire Red Artisan tilt-head KitchenAid stand mixer. I now realize that way back in 2001 I bought the wrong one. I bought the "professional" one, the one that doesn't tilt, but rather "lifts" up and is a royal pain to scrape down the sides while making Keto bread and cakes. I have to stop the whole shebang, lower the bowl, scrape it, missing half of the bowl due to the beater in the way, lift the bowl back up, and mix it again for a minute, and then do that all over again. A real pain! The new one would have the fancy self-scraper and a glass measuring bowl. Man, I'm thinking about it. I may get a self-scraper for my current stand mixer now as well. You only live once. ;)

I'd better get to bed now. Lots to do in the morning!

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13380
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:18 am

Hello honeybera


Great to read about your son doing life differently. You sound a great team

How did your dogs behave on their respective walks? It might benefit you all to check the neighbourhood each day

Whatever you decide regarding your brother and mother, I pray you have peace around your choices

I'm confused. Thought you'd returned to a more caring Dr? May your uti quickly vanish

Much to my relief, Dad passed last Friday. Mum hasn't really grasped, so my sister agrees with her - whether Mum thinks her spouse is in hospital or rehab, or perhaps sleeping longer - easier than explaining over and over again. Sister has taken it very hard

You'll be pleased when days have a maximum temperature under 100°F.


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 890
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:07 pm

Hello Fleur.
Fleur wrote:
Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:18 am
Much to my relief, Dad passed last Friday. Mum hasn't really grasped, so my sister agrees with her - whether Mum thinks her spouse is in hospital or rehab, or perhaps sleeping longer - easier than explaining over and over again. Sister has taken it very hard
:| My sympathies to you and your family. I am somewhat surprised that what has happened to your feelings at your father's demise is a sense of relief. I'm hoping that that will be my own feeling, too, at the time of MD's passing. It gives me hope. Relief and release. A good way to end the long story. I wish I was there to give you a hug right now, but since that is a geographical impossibility, know that that is what is in my heart.

I can tell that your sister has had a different family experience with your Dad than you have and thereby has a much different reaction to this. It makes it even tougher when your Mum simply doesn't understand what has happened to him and that your sister has to deal with those issues, but it seems that she is coping. Your Mum not understanding is actually a blessing for her at this time, albeit not for your sister. Peace takes time.

{{{{{{{Fleur}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13380
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:09 pm

Thank you very much honeybera
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 890
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Sep 04, 2019 3:57 am

Fleur wrote:
Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:18 am
Great to read about your son doing life differently. You sound a great team
Hey again Fleur...

I just wanted to finish this up. Yes, DS has changed radically and for the good. Every time he tells me how he loves his new car it gives me a lift in spirits. We are a good team. That is well put. Example: I can ask him his opinion re: a purchase I was considering on Amazon, so I asked him about it. I do believe that I'll get that new stand mixer, and I'm getting it in Empire Red. When our local hardware store called today to remind me to pick up that pallet of potting soil bags and I hesitated due to the doo-doo (manure) still in the back of the truck, DS volunteered to help me unload that so I can go get the potting soil. And he changed the filter on the kitchen fridge and put away the dishes in the dishwasher without being asked. Little nice things like that. I am fortunate indeed! That's why I try to always have keto friendly bread and muffins or pound cake available in the freezer at all times, ready to pop in the microwave, and tomorrow I'm going to my favorite store that has these gorgeous tri-tips in bags of four for $1.98/lb. on sale this week. I put them into individual bags with all different marinades and then into the freezer so when he wants some tri-tip, he puts it on the good old Showtime rotisserie. YUM! It really works out: one hand washes the other. (And yes, it's the Ron Popeil rotisserie! Had it for years and the tri-tips come out GREAT!)
Fleur wrote:
Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:18 am
How did your dogs behave on their respective walks? It might benefit you all to check the neighbourhood each day
The dogs did fine. Dot heels even when not on a leash. Spot likes to run ahead, but she kept turning to see if I was still there. Both dogs are neurotic in their own way. :lol: Their mom, good ol' Ms. T, always pulled until she choked herself and insisted on smelling EVERYTHING. Not so for these girls. Of course, they are old girls now at 13 yrs. as of last month. I'm cleaning their pen out ATM with bleach water - it was SO filthy. Not cluttered, but the dogs just tracking in straw and dirt and dust from outside. I need to do that and some uncluttering in the family room (not too much cluttering anymore :mrgreen: ) and mopping up before calling the painter and floor/vinyl planks finisher to FINISH up the mess that N left me in! All the baseboards were pulled off and the vinyl planks aren't all finished either. :roll: I'm getting close in the family room now. YAY!! My room is already there! I just need to continue to keep clean what's already clean. Takes a bit of work, but I'm doing it. It's like RE-parenting!

==========================================
My God. What devastation is going on in the news! Mass shootings and massive deaths of people in scuba diving vessels and killer hurricanes. It's left me stunned. :|

The dog's pen was disassembled by DS (bless him!) and the floor and walls were mopped and bleach watered by me and the cobwebs and big old Daddy Long Legs run off and swept off. So much dirt and dust had settled everywhere. Looks and smells so much better now! We're readying for painting and floor and baseboard repair now in the family room. There's even a lovely large gas fireplace in there, and we even still have the key for it, but it's been blocked up by boxes and never used. I still won't use it (there's no need to to heat the house and no one ever sits in there), but I'd like it to be cleared of boxes blocking it. It's a very nice fireplace.

I just saw some of the first pictures on TV of the devastation done by hurricane Dorian in the Bahamas. I freeze framed it to really take a good look at what had happened to them there, all the damage done. :cry: It has left me with two thoughts: #1. Just what a lucky person I am to be alive, to have been born me, to have had all the blessings and privileges in my life (and not just the abusive curse that is MD), and that my grief over the hurt I've experienced is finally waning, and #2. Seeing the mess Dorian has left behind, it reminded me of the rotten and deliberate nastiness that IS MD!!

In the 1970s, I married for a second (and LAST) time. I'll call him D. He was my parent's best friends son. We were married in a tacky wedding chapel in NV. I actually begged him to not get married, just tell them we did. I should have stuck to my guns!! Although I was a pack-a-day smoker at the time, D literally smoked 1-2 CARTONS per day!! I never saw anything like it. He even smoked while shaving! From waking up until bedtime, HE SMOKED! We were married for "8 months and 6 days" - "but who was counting when we were having so much fun"? :roll: I caught him cheating with some gal in the back seat of his car parked in the back of a bar. That did it for me!!!

He left me unemployed (i.e., back on Welfare) with my oldest son, then 4 yrs., and I had to move back to my home town 100 mi. away (and in with my grandparents in the little cottage in the back where I had suffered my own horrific abuse some 20 yrs. earlier). I packed everything up and swept each room carefully, putting all trash in paper bags in each room. It was neat and clean. My father helped me load the bigger items onto the moving truck. But when I came back into the house, MD had taken my couch that had a dime-sized hole in it, dug her fingers into it, making it a fist-sized hole and pulling out the stuffing!!! :x She smiled at me and said soothingly (in front of my father), "Oh, for Pete's sake, my name! Just buy a new couch!!" I was attempting to live on a mere $212.00/month!! How could I afford a new couch just like that??? Mean! OMG, she's so MEAN!!!

BTW, I had to live with that couch for the next 20 yrs., and yes, with the big gaping hole in it! Thank you, MD. :x

IN ADDITION to the couch meanness, she had my father keep me busy loading the U-Haul truck, and when I went in to dump the carefully bagged trash out, I'd found that she'd taken each and every FULL trash bag, dumped it ALL back onto the floor in ALL the rooms, kicked it around (or just violently thrown the bags about as she dumped them), and then purred to my father, "Let's go now so we can get home at a decent hour." I had already grabbed the broom to re-sweep the area, but she stopped me from doing that! "C'mon!! We're leaving NOW. This place was a mess when you got here. Just leave it!!!! LET'S GO!!!" She did it to SHAME me...and it did work. Beautifully!

And as I saw what had happened to the Bahamas, this scene flashed into my mind! Dorian was an act of God, but MD perpetrated an act of sheer meanness meant to humiliate me and hurt me deeply, and she knew every button to push. That day I did not see this day coming, a day when I would be the Queen of my own Castle and she would be a lame old woman, trapped in a life she hates. I feel no pity for her. I know that she was taught that well-learned meanness when she was little, but what she did to me all through the stages of my life (and would STILL do if allowed to!!!) is unconscionable and unscrupulous!!

Anyway, that was it. Thanks for faithfully reading along with me. I remember driving that 100 miles in a caravan, me alone in my car with my young son, my father in the U-Haul, and MD in their car, grateful that my parents were nearby in case my old jalopy up and died in the mountains because I didn't have the roadside car insurance that I have now. I also didn't have a DS in his 30s to happily come and get me in case stuff does happen. I HAVE BUILT MY OWN WORLD, thank you very much, and I'm proud of myself for having the intestinal fortitude to have done so in spite of all of the above!! MD did her best to see me end my life as a failure, but I don't see myself as a failure, just as a work in progress and a darned successful one at that! I'm showing progress every day. I'm not finished yet, but despite all of MD's determined efforts to undermine me, I AM OK!! No, not just ok. THRIVING!!!!!! I just can't allow her to drag me down to "less than" just to make her FEEL "better than". That just won't do.

I just had to share tonight with ♥♥♥ALL OF YOU!!!♥♥♥

Now I have a window sill full of spiders and webs to clean off and all kinds of mummified dog "treats" to toss out. Plus also in the Family Room, I'm digging out my Rubbermaid Plastic "Sofa" (kind of a seat with storage under the lift-up seat: more storage! YAY!); this is still in its box which has been blocking the fireplace. That ends tonight. The floor has been mopped/cleaned, so we're ready to go! I've also got on order from Amazon two BIG dust covers for my wire storage shelves (36"Wx18"Dx72"H) where my cooking and storage pans/tins/containers are kept. It's very dusty in the Family Room ATM and this will make it much easier to keep all my things UN-DUSTY and clean enough to use without washing. It even has a clear plastic front with zippers for easier access. It's GREAT to be "the Queen"!!!! :P :mrgreen:

I'd better get at it!

Honeybera

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest