Letting go

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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honeybera
Member
Posts: 865
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Aug 14, 2019 4:52 am

Hi EasyStreet!
EasyStreet wrote:
Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:01 pm
Thanks for your posts. I can feel the sunshine even in my darkened room!
I'm glad you can feel the sunshine! Writing it all out, voluminous as it might be, is my ultimate therapy. :P MD cannot hurt me anymore at this stage of my life unless I allow her access, and I do NOT allow it whatsoever! That kind of realization and the intense satisfaction and power of "telling on her" (FINALLY!!) to others who can understand (like all of you!) and who can empathize with what I went through is deeply soothing to me and very therapeutic! That, in and of itself, is enough to bring sunshine into my life. Happy to share it with you! :mrgreen:
EasyStreet wrote:
Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:01 pm
I remember well the goat heads of my youth! No longer live near them but one never forgets that barefoot reminder!
Both DS and I got stabbed today with a couple of them that were carried inside the house deeply enough to make us bleed a dot of blood when it was pulled out...OUCH!! When I stepped on mine my hands were full and I was on my way to the kitchen. Had to call DS to pull it out of my heel. I just need to get out there and eliminate as many of the seeds as possible...they say it takes about 5-6 yrs. to completely get rid of them! But last year as I walked around the backyard in my Crocs (rubber gardening shoes), I would come back inside and pull out of my soles maybe 100 or more of the little devils, but not this year (only one or two per trip). A couple may slip by me and get stuck in the carpet like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for a bare foot to come by, but we're so far ahead of the game this year compared to last year. Progress!!! :mrgreen:

My new headboard, Zinus bed frame, and Sealy mattress has arrived and is all nicely setup now. Waiting for my bedding to dry ATM. It is firmer than I'd pictured, but I saved my super soft mattress topper in case it becomes needed. But the bed LOOKS GREAT!!! I am quite pleased with it.

I did have a bit of a hassle last night. I had to clear away some old cardboard boxes filled with this and that from the foot of my bed (clutter) so we could assemble the new bed frame after removing the old bed. I had know that this needed to be done for the last three weeks, but...I just dawdled and put it off until the last minute. I even felt sick and avoided doing it like the plague. But this time it was different: I recognized that I was doing it! It was like I was responsible for my actions or lack thereof, that what I CHOSE to do was shame-free, and I knew that it was up to me either way. I decided to get up, put down the iPhone videogame, and just touch a box or two and decide where just that box should go...and then do the next box. The garage will be the same way: one foot in front of the other.

Before I knew it, it was done, so I vacuumed the spot and then went to bed, setting my alarm for 7:30am. DS was asleep, so I just grabbed him this morning and we completed the bed frame assembly job by the time the delivery men showed up at 11am with my new mattress. I really need to study on this and why I do this to myself, all the fretting and inaction and then guilt, but I'm very aware that this is the first glimmer of hope that I can really heal up and be shed of all the harm that MD crippled me with!! This is the best part of my entire life and I'm starting to feel like my own person rather than just feeling like a capable and functional pack mule for others. It's a really good feeling!!

===========================

OMG! I tried it out with the sheet and pillows on! OMG!! Really comfy, but WAY firmer than my old mattress - so tonight's the night. I have high hopes for it. :mrgreen:

It will be 107ºF tomorrow. :roll: So I have to get to sleep early tonight. Watering first, then to the grocery store, then HOME into my a/c house during the HEAT!!
EasyStreet wrote:
Tue Aug 13, 2019 12:01 pm
More sunshine for you and your garden!
I'd like more "happiness" for my garden, maybe not so much sunshine, but I understand what you mean. ;) {{{{{EasyStreet!}}}}} My garden is wilting in the heat right now. My GardenGlide hasn't come yet, but it doesn't matter b/c 1) the garage needs to come first in the early morning after I water the yard for the next several days, and 2) the heat out there is crazy! I couldn't work out there dragging heavy pots and bags of manure from one side of the yard to the other. Way too hot yet. SOON though.

OK 9:30pm bedtime! Wish me luck with the new bed!! :?

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 865
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Aug 16, 2019 4:34 am

Hi all. I have been thinking a lot lately about myself and how I am pushing myself towards gentle discipline and the truth. My yard/garden isn't the best this year due to some silvery crud thing that's all over my citrus and my squash. :roll: But even in the heat of the noonday sun (if I haven't gotten up and gone outside to water earlier when it's still 65-70ºF out there), I've still done it! That is such a big deal for me. I'm disciplining myself to either get out there and water my plants (and fill the "water bird bath" + the food birdbath, dry and filled with seeds, etc.) AT MINIMUM or else just watch all my plants die and the birds go elsewhere for water and food. I choose the former, but it is very difficult for me to do it sometimes. Last summer with July and August temps. like these of 107º-110ºF, I sat inside, wanting to go out and water, but I could not force myself to do it and watched through my WOW all my plants wither and die. It's still a choice for me, an option, but to succumb to another depression that deep is a very painful choice that I don't want. So I haven't missed a day of watering yet! I'm very proud of myself for that!

I'm glad that I'm staying away from MD. If I could only get the good side of her, I'd go see her in an instant, but that's not how it goes, sadly. Just after the cooing sweetness comes the verbal poison, and I know that that poison would linger and stay with me for a long, long time, rattling around in my head and depressing me. It's just not worth it.

I'm also noticing just how chaotic my kitchen is. It's actually quite a bit better than it used to be, but the old underlying chaos still shows through. I have 5 tried and true keto recipes that I love and need to make very often, but (especially with the new bread machine recipe) I'm deeply desiring to have all my stuff together for each recipe. I'm getting new measuring cups and measuring spoons sets so I don't have to search all over the kitchen for measuring tools. They are used regularly, and so should be in a regular place within easy grasp. This is not a lot to ask of myself and DS, who puts away the dishes from the dishwasher. He wholeheartedly agrees. This is all new for me! Baby steps...

I just wanted to share this with you all...and now off to bed so I don't have to water in the blaring sun tomorrow! I'd like to get rid of more goat heads, but that is not a job for this old gal to do in the summer heat at noontime!! It's definitely a morning job!! ;)

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13108
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm

Here reading along honeybera

Agree with you about life being different from last summer for you. you've worked hard. Congratulations

Seems like you are more time wise this year

May you enjoy the weekend


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 865
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sat Aug 17, 2019 4:55 am

Fleur wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Here reading along honeybera
Oh my dear Fleur! It's very nice to hear from you!! When do you go into the hospital? I thought you may have gone already. Glad you haven't yet. :mrgreen: Radiology called me this morning and scheduled me for next week. At least it'll be somewhat cooler (or so they say). I actually REQUESTED an early morning appointment (8:30am)!! :lol: :roll: I should be able to find a parking spot at that hour since the doctors don't show up until 9am.
Fleur wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Agree with you about life being different from last summer for you. you've worked hard. Congratulations
Thank you! I hear you that you've been working at it, too. Sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other.
Fleur wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:51 pm
Seems like you are more time wise this year
"Time wise." What a lovely way to put it. I still sit a lot most of the day, probably way too much, but I keep getting up and puttering away at whatever chore I choose to do. It's the fridge tonight since cauliflower is on sale for 98¢ EACH at the store and I want room for them!! There is so much I can do with cauliflower!!

Tonight I've made a really tasty Lemon Pound Cake. Once it cools, I'll top it with a powdered "sugar" (not really sugar-sugar :P ) and lemon juice mixture. Oh, this recipe is a KEEPER!!! Easy to make and YUMMY!! It's a mix of almond flour and for the first time I used coconut flour and several eggs, and the aroma of it baking knocked my socks off!! It smells just like lemon cake!! I love this WOE!!

And speaking of loving things!! I GOT MY GARDEN GLIDE TODAY!!! It's just a BIG piece of heavy duty plastic with a sturdy rope attached to it and a handle on the rope, but I LOVE IT!! It's going to be big enough to use as a cover for my "food" birdbath in the winter when it rains and ruins any seed left behind in there! You should have seen the disgusting black glop and goo that I had to clean out this Spring! HORRIBLE!! Now THIS year I'll just cover the food area with the GardenGlide whenever it rains (which is seldom) and place something heavy on top (like some bricks or something or even use bungee cords??) so it doesn't blow away in a storm, and when it's not raining, I'll uncover the birdbath temporarily and use the GardenGlide to move things around in my backyard! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! Its Winter home will be on the food birdbath though. If it's raining, I won't be toting things around the yard anyway. Better exercise than I'd get down at the gym!! :P

ALSO! I called Lowe's today, hoping that they'd have gotten my "special order" hummingbird plants in, only to have my enthusiasm dashed by some clerk who disavowed me of any hope of getting a special order. "We don't do special orders!" AARRGGHH!! :x That's not what the last guy said. So I turned to Annie's Annuals (and perennials). She's as close to me as this faraway Lowe's is where I was going to go pick up some California Fuchsias. And our dear Annie not only has those plants, but a TON of others, too! So nuts to Lowe's!! They aren't the ONLY nursery around here. Heck, they're not even close to being "the best". But Annie's IS!! It's just a long trek by myself. I'm hoping that DS would go with me. ♥♥He's awfully good to his mother!!♥♥

Oh Fleur, there are SO MANY gorgeous heat tolerant and hummingbird friendly (plus bees and butterflies) plants at Annie's (anniesannuals dot com), and from my WOW next Spring I should be able to see a swarm of tall bright red trumpet flowers next to the fence, then others a bit shorter in front of them, and then ground cover, all covered with those tiny cylindrical flower shapes in a bedazzling rainbow of enticing colors planted especially for my hummingbird friends. Somehow doing this is kind of soul-satisfying for me, knowing that I'm giving those wonderful little hummers the best food imaginable for them, and I can watch them silently as they jet about as I sit behind my "mirrored" one-way view from my WOW. A happy payoff for all of us.

I also ate a peach today (a big deal for someone as strict with their ketogenic diet as I am!) from my Arctic Supreme white peach tree for dessert tonight. I may pick all the rest of them and give them to my neighbors. Really sweet peaches! Such a treat!! All of my squashes are dying, not because of anything I have done, but rather because of some unknown blight out there. It gets all over the leaves and blossoms, everything sort of dries up, and they quit producing anything. The squashes over in the dog's yard seem to be ok, so I'm encouraged by that. Three or four squash varieties next year, planted in old tires or cinder blocks (?), 30 gallon SmartPots for the tomatoes (2-3 varieties) and several varieties of peppers, too. AND THAT'S IT! I don't know where I'll put my blueberries and raspberries yet, but they are really looking good right where they are ATM! They do need re-potting though. I even have a tiny little Bay Laurel tree (for bay leaves) that is looking good so far. With these horribly hot summers, it's all about some protection from the sun sometimes.

And now it's nearly bedtime. The new bed is "meh". It's ok, I guess, but it's WAY too "firm" for me. I may put on the old mattress topper that I had on my old bed and see how that is. We need our good sleep, that's for sure. And I will, right after I put the lemon glaze on that pound cake! YUM!! Oh, and the bread is in the breadmaker. See if it turns out nicely again! :mrgreen:

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13108
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sat Aug 17, 2019 10:31 pm

Wowee honeybera


You are enjoying so many things - getting and keeping house/surroundings neat, clean and tidy; new baking ideas; attracting bees/birds with plants. Really good uses for garden glider. Do any of the seeds grow in the soil?

Great that you have organised early morning appointment and your son is assisting in various ways. Hopefully, you'll sort out best option for sleeping. As you say, we do need quality sleep

Currently in local acute hospital but should be discharged tomorrow (Monday) and the planned admission in city is 22nd September - unsure the length of hospitalisation

My sister asked if I could commit to a day per week to give her a break from caring for parents. On proviso of being well enough, I agreed - then she remembered I couldn't due to all the pets. I also pointed out that Dad tends to be more feisty after I'm there. He's supposed to return home from rehab on Tuesday - however, needs to be medically stable to do so

May you and son have a lovely rest of weekend


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

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