can not forget but can forgive

[Chiquitta]

As long as I live, I can not forget the abuse that I suffered from for years. However, I am willing to forgive the abusers. I need to heal completely and this is the way I see to do it. Any opinions would be appreciated.



Chiquitta

[Harmony]

Dear Chiquita,

There is no one right way to heal. There is absolutely NO requirement to forgive. Abuse is something so devasting it would be lovely to forget but not possible. Even if you could forget, it will rear its ugly head up some way or another. For some forgiveness works for other not so much.

Your life your way!

with support,
Harmony

[Chiquitta]

You are right!


Chiquitta

[Abbie]

hi, its not forgiving to forget, its easy to say and hard to to do because you will always remember the abuse. So if you deal with it the right way then you will be able to go on with ur life without getting it to you. If you don't deal with it the right way then it will haunt even if you forgive. So forgive the healthy way rather let it haunt you.

[ringonoka]

Hi Chiquitta,

Some books for healing I've read say that the abused need to forgive the abusers, in order to heal completely.

In my case, I forgave them each time of the abuse, not to be abandoned again, to take it in as nothing."It doesn't matter what they are doing to me".....this was all I could do and I had to do this to survive......the abuse escalated of course, they even didn't know that what they were doing was an abuse.


Now, as I am getting to know more about the truth, the mechanism, the more I think that I won't be able to forgive them. I just can't. And it is nothing bad that I can't. There is a more important thing than forgiving, which is leaving it all behind.....putting no importance....until my past does not bother me any more...., and focus on new things for the future.


All we do in this journey is what we need to do. I don't deny anything any more. I am trying to accept everything, which is hard, but I feel better accepting than denying.

Every journey may be different. I respect yours, as well as mine.

Good night,
ringonoka

[fightinback]

I will never forget my own abuse, nor should I. It was a part of my history and has made me the person who I am today, along with every other experience in my life, abuse or otherwise. My abuse story is now very much in the past, in the same way my school memories are - they are just memories without emotional attachment and they no longer cause me any pain.

Forgiveness is a very personal thing, and for me, I found that I couldn't move on with my own life with the emotions and feelings I had towards my abusers and what they did. Being totally honest with myself, all the time there was resentment, hate and bitterness for what they did, it was exactly how I felt about the rest of my life... and me.

While there has been an awful lot of internal work (before, during and after), finding a way to forgive brought me peace, happiness, and healing in my whole life, not just something that happened to me. I did it for me, not them. They don't matter any more.

The last thing I wanted to add was that it didn't happen until I was absolutely 100% ready. You will know when the right time is for you because it will feel a natural progression in your own healing.

Do whatever feels right for you Chiquitta. Do you have a therapist to support you?

[susanjoyce]

Hi Chiquitta,
As you'll see from the replies here, everyone has a different path to healing. Yours may well include forgiveness. For me, I think it's more a case of understanding rather than forgiveness. By researching the past of my abusers, I was able to understand the roots of this abuse - abandonment, bereavement, low self-esteem, insecurity, their own abuse - and this made me feel a lot better about it. Not sure whether this equates to forgiveness; no matter what happens in our past, we do still have choices, as everyone on this forum very much demonstrates.
If forgiveness is right for you, you will know it.
wishing you peace,
Susanjoyce

[Remedy]

Hi Chiquitta,

Really thought-provoking post, thank you, I really enjoyed reading everyone's different perspectives.

For me, part of healing has included accepting that the abuse cannot be undone.
I spent a lot of energy fighting, rebelling, denying, ignoring, avoiding, pretending or wishing otherwise.

I thought recovering might devalued how damaging the abuse was by making its impact invisible.
I wanted scars as proof of the crime; the injustices to be recognised and others' outrage not silence.

After 8 years of hard work in therapy, I felt ready but hesitant to let go of some of the pain.
My mantra: accepting what happened doesn't make what happened acceptable.

I wonder whether once I am in a place of acceptance, I may consider forgiveness? One day maybe!
Sending warm wishes on whichever path you choose for you...

[Fleur]

Hello, to everyone....

Last week I read an unacknowledged quote so cannot list author --

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could be any different


Perhaps the one person I need to forgive in this way (that I could have done any differently )
is myself -
The "what if" or "wish I'd only done or said" or "why did I do/say" type of ruminating


Each person has their own way of being

Wishing you (whoever reads) well in all respects as you travel your individual healing journey

[Tamu]

I really wish that I was at this stage, I think that maybe this journey is going to be longer than I thought. I have been working through it for 4 years, I am only now in a place where I can use the forum. Forgiveness seems like a long way away. If ever. Is it possible to move on with out forgiving him? Does he not need to be sorry for what he did? I take my hat off to those of you that can forgive, maybe one day I will join you.