Cleanliness question

[Booklover]

Ok I have a strange question and I am probably really odd and the only one that does this.

Everything I’ve read or heard about victims of sa is that they are obsessly clean washing all the time and keeping the house/room really tidy. I am the opposite. I feel safer if there are things on my bedroom floor and find that when the house is really tidy (which I do try and do because it’s what others want) I feel more nervous and panicky as though someone can sneak in and hurt me.

In the same way I will often go days without washing as if I smell no one will want to have sex with me. Also even when I do wash I still feel dirty so don’t see the point as I always feel dirty.

I know I am discussing.

[iwillthrive]

You aren’t disgusting. You have suffered great trauma and your responses make a lot of sense. I tend to be a nervous cleaner. What I mean is that things are usually very tidy for me bc it’s one of the only ways I feel in control of my life. And, when I get really anxious or nervous I spend that energy cleaning and organizing. So your reactions make sense and so do mine.

Be gentle with yourself. iwt

[Booklover]

Thanks iwt

[sarahoknow]

You aren't disgusting booklover. You are brave and courageous and wonderful for admitting that you aren't the cleanest. And you know what, neither am I and it's very much down to what I went through I think.
My Auntie always insisted that I was clean to the point of obsession ( or abuse you could say) with regular baths (often while she watched me, just to make sure I cleaned myself properly). She then progressed to insisting I needed cleaning inside as well. So that meant being put over her knee and given an enema.
I had to be completely clean in Gods eyes and it was her 'duty' to ensure that I was.
So now I too go days without a wash, wear the same clothes and leave things messy. It scares me sometimes still that I do that with our Lord watching but I feel the defiance against my aunties regime is part of my moving forward.
So I say do as you please booklover and care nothing for what others might think. It's you that counts.
Hugs and blessings x

[Booklover]

Thanks Sarah good to know I’m not the only one.

[sarahoknow]

This is definitely one of those times that it can be said that you are not alone.
Right there with you as a messy kindred spirit x

[Booklover]

Thanks so much Sarah. Someone suggested I have a bath and see in the relaxing nature helps as mental health totally out of control. Well I’m well mentally I love long very hot bubble baths, so hot that can only just get in, and stay in to water to cold so over an hr. Well last night I couldn’t relax and after 15min I had to get out as couldn’t stand the feel of the water on my skin.

[sarahoknow]

Hi Booklover, I'm sorry you couldn't enjoy a nice long bath but at least you give it a go.
Its always so difficult to know what is going to make us feel a certain way. I understand completely how something like the water on your skin could make you feel uncomfortable.
I tend to like bubble baths too but the water has to be warm and not really hot.
Really hot baths were what my auntie insisted on, so now I like them just warm enough.
I also usually have to have the lights off and just a candle so that I know nobody is looking at me.
I hope you feel better with yourself soon, so you can have a longer relax in the bubbles.
Sending blessings x

[Booklover]

Thanks Sarah. Really helps to know I’m not alone. I have given up worrying about it. I’m a mess and just don’t have the energy to care