Hi all, happy new year to you.
Just something I’ve been thinking lots about, quite ashamed about it when I look back at my behaviour in relationships, and having done a bit of research and reading into it, I guess I’m just trying to find sense in it all again.
In all my adult relationships, when things have seemed to go well or towards the end of a relationship I have searched for something or someone else. I’m ashamed to say I’ve cheated twice on two different partners. It was wrong, and I try to be a better person each day, to ensure nothing like that happens again. It seems whenever I get a bit of attention I want to please that person, and that leads to the cheating. I’m not condoning my behaviour in any way, but finding reason in why it happened, and I understand people who have not been abused still cheat.
One of the reasons why I remembered the abuse, and started acknowledging that it happened, is because on the second time of cheating, I had a bit of a breakdown and said to myself “what am I doing?” “Why am I doing this?”
These questions led me to think about things, how I want to please people and why I do that. It seems when the sexual part of a relationship dwindles or I feel rejected by a partner, I search it else where.
I’ve come to a conclusion that it is a self esteem issue, and that is what I’m looking for when I seek out. But when it happens it’s like I find it hard to control the need to be with another person.
Any thoughts about this subject would be greatly recieved, many thanks.
Relationship Problems
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy
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Re: Relationship Problems
Dear Magpie,
You will finds lots stuff here at isurvive but criticism or judgement are not two of them. You sound like you are hurting and confused right now. Are you in T right now? Is there a safe person for you to discuss this stuff with in your life? You are entitled to a fresh start any time you wish.
with support,
Harmony
You will finds lots stuff here at isurvive but criticism or judgement are not two of them. You sound like you are hurting and confused right now. Are you in T right now? Is there a safe person for you to discuss this stuff with in your life? You are entitled to a fresh start any time you wish.
with support,
Harmony
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- Member
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Re: Relationship Problems
Many thanks for your reply Harmony, yes I have signed up to Therapy so it’s on the horizon, I think I do need to discuss these things with someone.
I’m feeling ok, sometimes confused and the hurt is better than it was but yes still there.
I guess the kind of person I am I’m very self-critical and a perfectionist, I don’t like to make mistakes, but I’m learning that that’s part of being human.
I’ve grown up in a very critical and judgmental household, and that character trait I internalise. It is very comforting and supportive to know that here there is none of that, and it helps.
Many thanks.
I’m feeling ok, sometimes confused and the hurt is better than it was but yes still there.
I guess the kind of person I am I’m very self-critical and a perfectionist, I don’t like to make mistakes, but I’m learning that that’s part of being human.
I’ve grown up in a very critical and judgmental household, and that character trait I internalise. It is very comforting and supportive to know that here there is none of that, and it helps.
Many thanks.
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- Site Admin
- Posts: 7580
- Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm
Re: Relationship Problems
Dear Magpie,
Thanks for coming back and letting us know what is ahead. I think you touched on an interesting subject in your response. You act as a perfectionist and self-critical. Those are both coping strategies. It would be lovely to know who you are aside from merely coping. Think of therapy as a journey to finding the you that isn't just the hurt.
with safety and comfort,
Harmony
Thanks for coming back and letting us know what is ahead. I think you touched on an interesting subject in your response. You act as a perfectionist and self-critical. Those are both coping strategies. It would be lovely to know who you are aside from merely coping. Think of therapy as a journey to finding the you that isn't just the hurt.
with safety and comfort,
Harmony
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- Member
- Posts: 138
- Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:51 pm
Re: Relationship Problems
Thank you Harmony,
I am both nervous and wanting therapy, am on a waiting list but see this interim period time for personal growth and focusing on the great and important things in my life.
I guess I could start with this: I am always looking out for others, I am creative, spiritual, mindful and strong.
That’s a good start. Thank you for reminding me that there is more to me than the focus on the negative and strategies to cope, like the strategies to learn and grow.
Love & Light x
I am both nervous and wanting therapy, am on a waiting list but see this interim period time for personal growth and focusing on the great and important things in my life.
I guess I could start with this: I am always looking out for others, I am creative, spiritual, mindful and strong.
That’s a good start. Thank you for reminding me that there is more to me than the focus on the negative and strategies to cope, like the strategies to learn and grow.
Love & Light x