gratitude and dedication

[mitsu]

hi all,

thank you for organizing this space. i'm 28 years old and i'm dedicated to my healing now in a way that was not accessible to me before.

in my past i had thought that i did what i needed to for myself to feel whole and recover from emotional / verbal abuse in my family. the sense of having already been through a great reckoning with accepting that abuse is not normal, rejecting those terms and learning to respect myself in new ways, has strangely made the process happening again in deeper ways, more difficult for me. i find that i always have to remind myself to keep going, that i didn't "already deal with this", and that my life can, is, has to be, a priority. sometimes i fall into weird ideas of self-sacrifice like, imagining "other people" are all going through what i'm going through, that i dramatize or react differently / less maturely to things than i should, and it keeps me back, and it keeps me from my goals beyond doing the bare minimum for me every day

the deeper ways were triggered by a car accident, basically. in the past i had noticed myself thinking about these topics but, since the accident they have been less of concepts in my brain and more like experiences in my body. i struggle a lot with " impostor syndrome ", and feeling made up in every way - from having brain injury, since it was only diagnosed like 5 years after, to my ethnicity and racial experiences, to my experiences with gender, to how i have experienced and in varied ways defined abuse and my decisions/reactions in response over the years.

in 2013 i was stopped at a red light, with one car in front of me, and from behind, a car hit me at around 30 mph. i ping-ponged between the two cars, was brain damaged on impact, but not diagnosed with anything more than whiplash even though i couldn't speak and had trouble with balance. they told me i was just shocked, i was advised to wear a neck brace for a week and told i should just go back to work. i was working at a gas station as cashier. when the car accident happened, visually/sensory, things froze around me and it was my moment of death. i "knew" immediately that i had died and even years after having it clarified that i had a brain injury, i still sometimes have issues believing i have not been "pushed over" into an other reality, that in my former reality i did die, and in this reality i made it out with a brain injury, that both and more realities than those exist. it is really overwhelming.

when i was brought to hospital after the accident, my birth parents were both there and i found myself having really terrified reactions to the sight of my dad. these reactions have not stopped, just gotten more specific as my disability and healing progressed. being suddenly people-averse in general and not very verbal (when typing or writing, i ramble, but speaking i feel incompetent), repressed parts of my identity formerly defined by other people in my life started demanding more of my attention. i am a mixed- race person and my trauma around racism experienced and internalized in our family swept over me, especially around the sexualizing of japanese culture, and my child hood growing up online where this is especially prevalent. i was addicted to the internet ages 8-19. i am also a trans gender non binary person and when i experienced dying, i became really sad that my birth parents would probably bury me and hold what ever observances with others about my life, with the name they gave me on a birth certificate, not the name i actually use and experience as my name reflective of my gender and sense of self. if you have not met a non binary person before and are looking for more information [external link removed per site guidelines]this link[also this one] may be a good place to begin. i mention these things because lots of my abuse growing up had to do with the erasure of these undesirable parts of my identity. However, my familiar issues with being trans in sight of my parents became almost comfortable in comparison to the terror i felt at the sight of my dad, which felt more basic and immediately made me feel like a small child, like i had to keep a secret and couldn't speak, and i felt disgusting. still , i feel guilty and terrified of ruining his life.

the memories and sensations brought up for me since this happened have made my relationship with my birth family very damaged again. now i work as a care giver for one client, i go to massage school to get certified to do massage, and i live with a friend and their family who love and respect me. sometimes i see my grandma and very rarely my mom but i do not talk to my dad. i have two younger siblings i grew up feeling very protective for and had the role of "conflict resolver" from earliest memory, our white dad was a rage o holic and sober alcoholic. i would end up in conversations with him basically being his therapist, asking him what he's "really" mad about that he takes it out on us, and remember various times being told by him i was "really mature" in my perspectives. all of us have different memories surrounding his behaviors, memories that sometimes match and sometimes don't. I have had some really scary reactions to him come up that have made me feel certain there are experiences i do not remember involving him using me in ways i don't remember but my fixation on needing to sympathize with him at the cost to observing my own experiences, is over.

this was meant to be a brief introduction but,,, i ramble. sorry if this is in the wrong forum area. thank you for this space and community to hopefully move into a more stable understanding of who i am in context. hope everyone reading this is well, take care of you and i am encouraged by this community existing.

[Harmony]

Dear mitsu,
A warm welcome to isurvive. Sorry to have to remove your informative external links in the post above. Unfortunately as a rule we don't allow such referrals. You are are welcome exactly as you are and who you are here. I believe our survivor community will be very understanding of your personhood no matter what your status. Please know you are among people who will listen and believe in you.

with welcome,
Harmony

[mitsu]

thank you Harmony <3

[solana]

welcome, mitsu. nice to meet you.

[Jonesy]

Hi mitsu

A warm welcome from me too

[Xanthia]

Hi Mitsu,

Welcome to iSurvive, where we strive to be a friendly part of the Web.

Thank you for bravely sharing so much in your post. Your thread title indicates to me that you are a very determined strong positive person who is doing their best , especially in regards to your healing journey. May you have supportive people in your life.

Wishing you very well in all respects.

With care,

[earthhorse]

if okay safe hugs

((((((((((((( mitsu ))))))))))))))

Thanks so much for sharing part of your story here.

Just sitting here feeling so proud and awed by your ability to be true to yourself, and find support for who you truly are. To recognize gender oppression and racism and be able to see how and feel how this impacts you. I am so sorry for all the harm mitsu, you never deserved any of it, you always deserved to be fully supported in who you are. As painful as it is to live with and experience, it is seems to me this understanding you have won about how oppression works, is an empowering outlook that allows you access to solidarity, recognition and support. None of the oppression is your fault, you are so powerful to end the cycle of abuse in your attitude towards yourself and others.

Feeling with you on all the confusing feelings that have arisen for you. Very much relate to being the caregiver for my father, who is also someone who betrayed and hurt me very badly.

The car accident was definitely a traumatic experience in the literal definition of the term. It is common for older traumatic memories and experiences to be triggered by new traumatic events. You can trust yourself.

Thanks again for sharing.

Take loving care,
EH