Warm hello

[Altkt]

Oh Magpie - this is what I was hoping to find on forums such as these. Your reply made me tear up too! But yes, in a positive way, so thank you as well.

Yes, it can be comforting, and live saving. Some days (like today) I feel so excruciatingly alone. So, although it's unpleasant to think someone else is feeling as low as I am - it is a comfort to not be alone either...

I agree, I don't need to blame or excuse as such (my abuser was only a child herself; I doubt she acted in any malice) - but I recognise as a young, vulnerable child - I have internalised so much of it. This helps me understand why I am the way I am.

And yet, every time I write these things - there is that voice saying "But you weren't THAT young. You could've done something about. You caused it somehow. If you were better/stronger/more good, you would have stopped it if you really wanted too. You're reacting in this way because you're weak" etc. etc. etc. It almost feels too good to be true, that the reason I am like I am is not because "I am bad" but something "bad" happened to me? Oh god, to not think of myself as "bad", feels like a miracle. And therefore impossible. It feels more accurate to say I am bad, what happened to me "wasn't that bad", and actually if I was a better person I could cope with all of this better?

These thoughts are just so draining. I have them every day - and I'm starting to realise - maybe that's not normal?

Thanks again for listening/reading x

[Altkt]

Oh Magpie - this is what I was hoping to find on forums such as these. Your reply made me tear up too! But yes, in a positive way, so thank you as well.

Yes, it can be comforting, and live saving. Some days (like today) I feel so excruciatingly alone. So, although it's unpleasant to think someone else is feeling as low as I am - it is a comfort to not be alone either...

I agree, I don't need to blame or excuse as such (my abuser was only a child herself; I doubt she acted in any malice) - but I recognise as a young, vulnerable child - I have internalised so much of it. This helps me understand why I am the way I am.

And yet, every time I write these things - there is that voice saying "But you weren't THAT young. You could've done something about. You caused it somehow. If you were better/stronger/more good, you would have stopped it if you really wanted too. You're reacting in this way because you're weak" etc. etc. etc. It almost feels too good to be true, that the reason I am like I am is not because "I am bad" but something "bad" happened to me? Oh god, to not think of myself as "bad", feels like a miracle. And therefore impossible. It feels more accurate to say I am bad, what happened to me "wasn't that bad", and actually if I was a better person I could cope with all of this better?

These thoughts are just so draining. I have them every day - and I'm starting to realise - maybe that's not normal?

Thanks again for listening/reading x