Freaking out - facepalm

[Genesis]

I am panicking. I have been holding back what I remember about my childhood trauma in my therapy appointments for the last 18 months. I struggle to use my voice in her office. On Friday, I felt a moment of STUPID bravery and wanted to release all that I remember. I sent an encrypted email to her spilling EVERYTHING. Uncomfortable details. Everything. It was freeing for a moment. That feeling passed quickly and now I’m panicking. I feel so uncomfortable. I don’t want to see her tomorrow. My insides ache. I’m embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed and for the millionth time I’m questioning the accuracy of my memory.

My memories come from my body and emotions attached to the body memories. My brain doesn’t trust these flashbacks. My brain thinks it remembers but I just don’t know. I was babysat by a confirmed serial pedophile family member from age 3-7. Logically Im certain my memories are true but I just can’t accept it as fact and I feel foolish for sending that email.

I want to cancel my appointment. This is so uncomfortable. I’m an idiot. Seriously. If I didn’t panic and feel the need to urgently speak to her, I wouldn’t be in this position. FREAKING OUT.

It’s also dumb to cancel because 2 days later I panic message her. I just can’t get my shit together. I’m incapable. UGH!!!!

[dancingfish]

Oh hey, well done for your bravery. :) I really do understand how telling something about our story might suddenly be the centre of a little storm of panic, shame, dread. I found it was partly because I'd learnt that to tell was dangerous, and upon sharing something my brain would react by deciding I'd done something potentially harmful to me. Shame is a learnt response too, and one we can overcome with time and kindness.

I promise you that you haven't done something dangerous though, even if it feels like it. Your therapist will know this too. :) They may ask if you want to talk about it, or how you're feeling about it, but also you can choose not to! It might be that all you want for now is to have written out that email and let someone see it, and that's enough.

Good luck with it in any case, and you can write here if you want some support in the meantime. Hope my above words were okay to say, and disregard if anything just doesn't jive with you - all of our situations are unique to us, but I found they overlap more than you might think sometimes. :)

Kindness and caring to you, and again a celebration for your bravery!

[solana]

I am also applauding your bravery. Great job!

I totally relate to the panic of sharing your story. I had the same feeling here - freeing for a split second, and then the panic and shame set in. My insides ached as well. It was physically painful. I felt nauseous and dizzy. Wanted to disappear. But I didn't, and I'm glad, as I received a lot of support. Sometimes I still get that uneasy feeling, and ask myself what the heck I was thinking; but that just gives me the opportunity to remind myself that nothing bad came of telling. Like dancingfish said, we have learned that telling is dangerous, so it is understandable that we react this way. I think it's important to give ourselves the chance to unlearn these old thought patterns, and sometimes the best way to do that is to just come right out and do the things that scare us, in an amazing moment of bravery.

While I support whatever decision you make, I hope you will either keep your appointment or make another one soon. I have a feeling your therapist might be able to help resolve your concerns about sharing, and you certainly deserve that relief.

[Genesis]

Thanks for your responses. The intensity of my panic is increasing but at least I’m not alone in the horror of this feeling. Ugh‍♀️

[solana]

You are most certainly not alone. Sitting with you, offering a hand to hold, if wanted.

[Genesis]

Thank you

[Harbor]

Hi Genesis

Congratulations on taking a giant step toward recovery. I know you don't feel it at the moment, but you are powerful and that was a powerful action.

It is entirely normal to feel panicked right now. Keep in mind that you are able to control the pace with which you go over these things verbally. It would be perfectly reasonable to only process how you feel about sending the email before even getting into the content in therapy. It's still your story and you still have control over it.

[Genesis]

Harbor,
Thank you for your reply. It does help to remind myself that I don’t have to proceed full steam ahead. My heart aches. This is so hard.