Isolation

[shiningsun]

Lately, I have been feeling really isolated from my friends. They refer to the people they've hooked up with as their "body count", which is really upsetting to me. Its so violent and cold. It sounds like a phrase my abusers would use. I just look at my best friend holding her girlfriend's hand and just feel so.. confused? I feel like I'm a million miles away from them. I don't understand that kind of intimacy.. it feels like all I know is violence. When I break down and get very detailed about my trauma, my best friend is actually very supportive. But if you take my reactions/feelings out of that context, such as when I flinch at sudden movements or get scared really easily, she just makes fun of me. She also gets insulted that "I would ever think that she would hit me". Of course I don't think that, my trauma isn't about her. It is literally a trauma reaction. Same goes with my fear/panic around dating and intimacy. She says "its cute" and that she "misses that innocence".. its not.. its abuse. and she knows that. I have violent nightmares after going on dates with people!! thats not cute!!!
I think its really hard for people who haven't experienced CSA to truly understand the gravity of my experiences.. and I get that. I don't expect her to understand what it feels like. But I just feel so alone and I don't want to have to explain myself all the time. And it gets really tiring struggling all the time.

[Nature]

I was just lying in bed this morning thinking about very similar things. I'm not as bad now as I was when I was younger, but I still flinch sometimes when I've let my guard down. (and it seems worse when I'm in a more active healing phase) I don't have any friends who make fun of it anymore, but I do get the "you know I'd never hit you" thing as well. But yes, when I was younger there were people who got a kick out of it and would do it just to watch. It was devastating.

People who don't share our history just can't fathom the affects. Sometimes I struggle to remember it's not their fault, their brains are just wired differently.

Another thing I'm starting to realize is my friends, while incredibly supportive, also don't understand that the pain is constant. I just do better at hiding it sometimes.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, or even applies to your situation, but know you're not alone in this.

[shiningsun]

Thank you for your reply! I was feeling really low and it warm my heart to hear from someone who can relate. It does make sense. That's also what I struggle with most with my friends- that they don't know that the pain is constant.

[solana]

hi shiningsun,

you are not alone. i also fail to understand intimacy, and have friends who have made fun of my fears even though they know about my past. i don't think they mean any harm; they just don't understand how serious it is for us.

i understand. sitting with you if ok