Cliff's Intro

[Cliff]

Hello all,

I'm Cliff, a 52 yo male. I was physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused throughout my childhood by my parents. The physical abuses stopped when I was 15 or 16 when I pushed back my father into a wall in our basement; but the rest sure didn't stop, up into my thirties.
All my life I seemed to be incapable to face this world adequately, to the point where I started wondering if I was not Asperger or just an idiot. I was constantly disrespected by people. I would get insulted or disrespected, react in a delayed fashion (1, 2, 3 days later), then get angry at myself for letting it happen and become very resentful at the person. I was the subject many times of abuses of power and authority at work. This left me feeling angry and desperate to the point of undergoing depressions. I was blaming and despising myself for being so weak.
I drank a lot since I was 16 and became an alcoholic. Even during the few times I managed to quit for a few months or a bit more than a year, my life was not any better. I constantly withdrew myself from socializing events, having friends, doing normal activities. All my life (and still, to this date) I had no idea what I wanted to do, what my place was, what my interests were and how to deal with normal day to day events that other people around me seemed to have no issues with. In other words, I had no idea how to be an adult.
I never wanted children because I was afraid to be like my father-and I could be like him, at times, in my relationships. I never laid a hand on any of my girlfriends - a few of them, actually, did slap me in the face - but I could become verbally violent in reaction to feeling mistreated by them or when they were behaving in ways that affected me and I did not understand why.
Over the last 10 or 15 years, despite having an enviable career, I realized not much was changing. I was still the subject of harassment, abuse of authority and power. I did not know how to stop it. I did not know how to set clear boundaries with colleagues and supervisors. I underwent two major depressions within 5 years and lost my career.
I have been out of work for two years now and am considered medically unfit to return to work. Meanwhile, I came to realize that maybe the abuse I put up with might have damaged me more than I thought. At the same time, I considered that the abuse couldn't have been bad to the point of explaining everything that was wrong with me. And, really, a lot of people were abused in a much worse way that I was. Or so I thought. It could only be me that was the problem. It had to be my fault if I was so dysfunctional as an individual and I assumed it was simply my personality. I was like that and that was that. Then, a few years back my mother, drunk, told me my father, when me and my brother were toddlers and would cry, would beat us, especially at night, because we were disturbing his sleep!
Only then did I start to understand that the trauma and abuse I endured and its impact on my life and self were much more serious than I had thought so far! And I became very angry at my parents. Shortly after this event I wrote a letter to my parents, my brother and my sister. When I received no replies, I decided it was time to cut off all contact with them. I had suffered enough. It has been more than three years that I have not communicated with my family.
I managed to quit alcohol almost two years ago, aware of all the damage it was doing to myself and my wife. Quitting alcohol helped but there were still serious things going on in my life. Affecting me. Making me angry. Making me feel inadequate, stupid, etc.
A few weeks back, wanting to understand more what was going on with me and how and if I could sort out some things, in other words, if I could start healing from all the abuse, I bought the books "Outgrowing the Pain" and "Getting Through the Day". Things started falling into place and light was finally shed on darkness. I was the way I am not because I am worthless, or weak, or lazy, or a drunk, or an idiot. I am and was like this because of the abuse. When I learned that to cope with the abuse, I had used dissociation most of my childhood but had used this defense mechanism throughout my life, that helped me understand a lot of things!
Mostly, it helped me understand this: all of this was not my fault. It's not my fault if I feel so dysfunctional. And this means that, even though it will be difficult, there is hope. I can change things and get better. This allowed me to stop being so hard on myself and start giving myself a break.
So, right now, I am in the process of reading more on the subject and trying to find a competent psychologist for myself. I started looking for support and resources online and bumped into this forum and decided to register.
Thanks for having me. I hope I will find some support, some answers and, who knows, maybe help some people in return?
Cliff

[quixote]

Cliff,
Welcome to isurvive. We all come from different places but there appear to be some common themes.If you get a chance you can read some of the other posts.
quixote

[Jonesy]

Hi Cliff

A warm welcome from me too

[wolfspirit]

Welcome, Cliff
Glad to know that you have reached a place that is giving you hope. I hope you find a good fit for your therapist, too.

take care,

ws

[jimscarlet]

Hi Cliff,
I have one word to say to you . . . . .SNAP! Could have been my life you wrote
about,cept for some details,but largely the same Cliff. Allow me to suggest a couple of
books on subject of self-esteem; I was very fortunate to come across this man who is a
psychologist and expert on self-esteem: Nathaniel Branden, "Honouring The Self",and
"The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem." The way he writes also gives you great insight to other
people's behaviour too. Oh,by the way,you are damn RIGHT its not your fault!
Anyway,a very warm welcome,this is a special little group.
Deepest Respect,
jimscarlet

[Cliff]

Thanks, everyone.

[Cliff]

Coming to the realization it's not my fault was an enormous relief because it explained so much. Imagine how relieving it is to understand it was not my fault!
At the same time, it induced a lot of stress because I also realized how much work there is to do. I understand I am not a functional person at all....And I'm 52.
All these negative, self-destructive patterns are deeply ingrained in me. How many times did I envy work colleagues; was I resentful towards them because they displayed so much calm and self-confidence when dealing with superiors, dealing with subordinates, or doing their jobs? As where I lacked the self-confidence, even panicked when I had to present briefings? I always felt I lacked so much of the knowledge required despite all my efforts. I was hesitant, unsure if I possessed the appropriate understanding of the situation.
All these fears paralyzed me. I didn't know why I feared these moments so much. So I would get back home and drink my arse off to numb it all.
Today, I do know why. Their origins are quite clear. See, my dad had this little strategy of his when I was a kid. Whenever I wanted something, either he would say "No, too expensive" (but then, everything was with him"). If I dared insist, he would start his "Why would I; you screwed up on this 1, 3, 5, 10 years ago; you didn't listen to me when I told you this 1, 3, 5 10 years ago, so screw you you're not worth my time or money" game. It didn't matter what I said or how much I tried to reason with him. There was always something wrong I did, according to him, that had to be retaliated against and thus could justify his refusal. I ended up, every time, feeling totally humiliated and broken. His message was clear. My life was an unending succession of screw-ups. I was a screw-up. And every time I ended up broken and humiliated (and angry and frustrated), he would look at me with this big smile of triumph and self-contentment and be all proud of himself. He became, in those moments, in such a great mood.
So, when I had to deal with superiors, brief them or do my job, as I was dealing with authority figures, I unconsciously expected behaviors like my dad's in potentially every one of them and feared ending up broken down and humiliated by them. In front of everybody, of course. Then, of course they would all feel great.
This little game has terribly affected me because by the time I was 14 or 15, I guess I simply stopped wanting to do or achieve anything. Having ambitions. Wanting friends. And forget about dating, I was anything but capable of winning a girl's heart. It has also defined me as an adult. While I saw other people having plans, objectives, working towards them and succeeding, here I was, not even knowing what to do with myself! Or, really, not even thinking about it. What was the point to have plans? They would fail anyway, right? This was provoking stress and anguish so to deal with it, well, let's have a drink...or 20. Then I would feel ok.
To add insult to injury, my dad would constantly reproach us our lack of ambition. Of never aiming high enough. Seriously? Why should we???? I'm a screw-up, remember?
What an assh&%* he is. To feel good with himself, adequate, in control, he had to destroy us, break us down. Shut us up.
So he could have his Miller time in peace. It was all about his needs and his fricking money. Our needs were an obstacle to his needs. We were thus his enemies, I suppose.
I want to do so many things but I am so scared because I don't believe in myself; so I simply, as my father did, self-sabotage these dreams, tell myself what's the point, it won't give anything, I'll waste my time and effort as I'm just a big loser, etc. It's not hard to understand as everything I wanted to try, do, or achieve met with zero support and commitment on his part. His message, basically, was clear: you are not worth it.
One result is I live in a constant paradox, so to speak. I'm defined by it. How many times do I tell myself, when I take act of my negative patterns, or beat myself up: "Ahhh, there's my dad talking again; you are not going to pin me down, you son of a b&%$! You are not going to win!" So I try to turn things around.
Man, it's tough, at times, fighting this invalidation of myself by that sick and sadistic bastard. And there are those other moments where I can stop the self-beating just before it's abut to start. And these moments are great. They are small victories.
I'm aware I can't change it all. But what I will be able to change will be a great achievement. I see the positive in my being unable to work right now as a gift from life, a break so I can take some time for myself and start healing. And that's priceless.

[Cliff]

Hi Cliff,
I have one word to say to you . . . . .SNAP! Could have been my life you wrote
about,cept for some details,but largely the same Cliff. Allow me to suggest a couple of
books on subject of self-esteem; I was very fortunate to come across this man who is a
psychologist and expert on self-esteem: Nathaniel Branden, "Honouring The Self",and
"The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem." The way he writes also gives you great insight to other
people's behaviour too. Oh,by the way,you are damn RIGHT its not your fault!
Anyway,a very warm welcome,this is a special little group.
Deepest Respect,
jimscarlet

Hey Jim,
'
Thanks for the book titles. I will certainly order them. I have read, so far, Outgrowing the Pain, by Eliana Gil. I'm in the middle of reading Getting Through the Day by Nancy J. Napier; and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
Gil's book, a mere 87 pages, is the book that made me understand what and how I am and that it's not my fault. It's really easy to read and helped realize that I need to undergo therapy.
I have also ordered Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward; and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson.
I also understand my parents, especially my father, is an alcoholic and is probably from a dysfuctional family -they never really told me much about their families despite my being curious, so...hint hint. It absolutely does not excuse him taking it out on his kids but it does help understanding where he comes from. My mother, unfortunately, is no better. She should have done something when he was beating my brother and I as toddlers! What is wrong with them????????
This being said, my job is not to focus on him but on myself. It's the only thing I can do. I have had enough anger directed at him in my head. This is about me. Time to think about me. Do things for me. Try things for me. Fail. Try again. Succeed - one baby step done. Great! Next baby step. Etc.

[Jonesy]

Hi Cliff

You might like to check out our reading section... http://www.isurvive.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=61

[Cliff]

Hi Cliff

You might like to check out our reading section... http://www.isurvive.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=61

Thanks, Jonesy.