Why is Hello so difficult?

[RedEm]

I don't know why this is so hard to do. I'm anonymous and yet here I am reluctant to say anything. I've spent a good ten minutes trying to just write something in the subject bar...

I'm the survivor of childhood sexual abuse that started when I was 7 and lasted around 4 years.
I am a survivor in my 30's yet am not really sure how well I've coped...
Anyway, here I still sit, searching for ways to get through dark days that I once hoped I would be free of, yet they still seem to boomerang back round and hit me when I'm least expecting it.

Over the years I've questioned why? Is there some life lesson I need to be learning? Did I do something bad in a past life? I've spent years trying to find answers, comfort or closure in religion, philosophy, and meditation. It feels though that the process of healing and coping aren't linear, like how I once imagined, with the abuse at one end as we run desperately for the other... I somehow keep finding myself back at a stage I thought long past. Feeling lost and alone in the middle of the night wondering why I'm still here. One word, or touch or smell can have me back, 7 years old, in that place... It feels endless, yet I'm still here, and alive, and have good and bad days.

My abuser is currently in prison. Some of the hardest years of my life were from the moment my family found out, which I NEVER wanted to happen, to then disclosing to the police, waiting for the investigation, waiting for a court date, and then the dreaded trial. All of this took around 4 years and I honestly don't know how I'm still here as there were so many days it felt too bad, too humiliating, too scary, too shameful, too traumatic, just too much and I wanted it to end.
But those times came and went, and now it's nearly time for him to be released...
I have no idea how to cope with this. He's spent so many years in prison, what if he's angry, vengeful?... He's manipulative and smart and everyone seems to like him. Worst of all he owns a house in the same town I live in and the thought of running into him or any of that side of my family (father's side) has me feeling sick and panicky much of the time.

My post is as messy as my mind often is but I still often love to laugh, and live, and sometimes I don't.
I do though, look forward to learning ways to survive, be strong, be hopeful and maybe, one day, be happy too?

[Noname]

Hi RedEm,

For me the first post here was the hardest. You did great, though.

Welcome to isurvive. I hope to see you around.

NN

[Harmony]

Welcome RedEm,

You did a wonderful job introducing yourself. So glad you found us here. This is a very supportive community of survivors learning to heal and thrive. Make yourself at home.

with care,
Harmony

[Jonesy]

Hi RedEm

A warm welcome from me too

[iwillthrive]

RedEm,

Welcome to this place full of beautiful, supportive friends. I am sorry for the reasons you find yourself here.

Wishing you peace...iwillthrive

[wolfspirit]

Welcome RedEm
I'm always honored to meet another survivor.
It is testament to how strong we are and how we can support each other in the healing process.

I'm sorry you're feeling concerned about your abuser's release. In my state, a sexual offender has to register with the authorities anywhere they live. That at least gives us some peace knowing where they are.
Is it like that where you live?

Do you have any other support right now? Therapist or survivor group, trustworthy friends, or people who you can turn to if you feel unsafe or threatened?

I think what stuck with me the most in your post was that you can go back to being 7 years old at any moment. It describes how I feel during the flashbacks and memories that invade my mind. Trauma can get stuck in our minds as well as our bodies.

Hoping you feel okay sharing your story. It is important to healing and I hope you know you are heard and not alone.

sending peace,

wolfspirit

[Titanium9]

Hi RedEm,

I hope you are feeling better. I took hours for me to string together my first post. I am getting more flashback these days, and cannot imagine what you would feel like. I wish he has to stay in prison forever.

I am in another country from the scene and yet when my sister posted a picture of the house'w owner , it took me back there and after 2 years now I haven't been to climb out of the spiral. I am still in it multiple times a day.


I hope you get to move far away and not have to face more fear. I hope you well.

T

[Jonesy]

Hi RedEm

Wondering how things are since you posted? Hoping if he has already been released that you can keep your head high. There must have been some pretty strong evidence for him to have been jailed for this crime in the first place. You were not to blame.