Trying not to run away

[Quietly]

Hello all!

I picked a pretty defeatist username, because my problems with being avoidant were at the top of my mind when I joined. ^^; Please call me Quietly instead of AlwaysGone.

This is the first forum about abuse that I've ever joined. I've always held off because I wasn't really abused that much. I still think most of it was in my head.

I've been browsing through other people's stories and I can't help but be amazed at how they could still function, when they've gone through so much. My childhood was pretty tame in comparison, but I really need help and a nudge in the right direction. I hope to find others who could understand me, and to learn tools that could help me become happier, kinder, and less afraid and defensive.

More about me:
* I'm a female in my 30s
* I live with my mother in a third world country in SE Asia
* I'm currently unemployed and depressed. I'm learning how to touch type so I can be a transcriptionist, but it's hard for me to stay motivated.
* Avoidant (AvPD) - I'm the amazing, disappearing woman!
* Highly Sensitive (HSP) - when I see sunsets and helpless baby kitties, I can't stop myself from continuously leaking tears (literally)
* Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver (INFP/FiNeSiTe) - I'm a weird, little ball of fluff with a lot of suppressed inner rage against myself
* I used to enjoy RPGs like Dragon Age and Skyrim, but I have an addictive personality so I avoid them now unless I know I have time to kill (literally)
* I love reading, writing, everything fantasy and science fiction, learning about different belief systems, finding patterns and stories in things, using music and light to regulate mood, traveling alone and getting lost, reading the messages that sunlight leaves on the clouds, listening to the wind, watching rivers and wondering where they come from and where they are going

Anyway, thanks for reading through all of that and thanks for accepting me as a member. I'll do my very best to not vanish.

[Jonesy]

Hi AlwaysGone

A warm welcome to isurvive, glad you found us.
If you wish your user name changed then please email me and I will take care of it before you continue posting.

[wolfspirit]

Hello Quietly,
Welcome to isurvive.
I appreciate you opening up to share about who you are.

Just some questions that came to my mind when I read your post (no need or pressure at all to answer them):
What makes you think the abuse you survived is not "that much"?
Or that it was "in my head"?

You just taught me what an RPG and a transcriptionist is. (I looked them up).

I am an HSP, too. Life is overwhelming for me most of the time.

take care,

wolfspirit

[Quietly]

Jonesy and wolfspirit, thank you so much for the lovely, warm welcome. <3

[Quietly]

What makes you think the abuse you survived is not "that much"?
Or that it was "in my head"?

I guess I'm just looking at it in terms of a bell curve. Reading about these awful experiences of people being gang raped and forced into prostitution just puts everything in perspective for me.

I was a very coddled, sheltered, spoiled child. The worst punishment I ever got was getting spanked by a belt, but that was for my own good and it was never unjustified. Then I was very gently molested when I was around 9 or 10. No violence whatsoever. Not even penetration. He just massaged my tummy, and then very casually started massaging me between my legs too. In fact, it was so nice I repeatedly went back to him and asked for it. There were times I almost bullied him into doing it to me, even though he was reluctant.

Now, in my head, I know I was a child and it wasn't my fault, etc. But he was a live-in chauffeur (most middle class families in my country employed one) and technically I did hold a very real power over him. I could have gotten him fired any time. I never did, though. I never told anyone until he was safely far away. When he left us and got married, my dad was even a godfather at his wedding. I remember being there and looking at his wife and wondering if she knew I was his lover.

But what he did wasn't really that bad, I think. What really did a number on me was my own guilt and my twisted interpretation of religion. My mother had just converted to Born Again Christianity around this time and she was really into the rapture. She kept telling me that any moment now she was going to get raptured and if I got left behind, I was going to hell where the worms feasting on my rotten flesh would never die. I don't think she quite understood how this made an impact on me. In my eyes I was the whore of Babylon, so of course I was going to be left behind. Now I realize that she probably has abandonment issues herself, that's why she didn't see a problem with telling me "Goodbye now, I might just go to heaven today" almost every other day. She wasn't being malicious. She was just trying to run away from her own problems.

But because of her, I lived in a fantasy world when I was a child. Angels and demons were literally doing battle around me. I never learned how to make friends with other kids because who cares when the world is a battleground that no one else can see? And worse, I firmly belonged to Satan's side because I was a vicious, little succubus. I used to drive sticks into my private parts because I was such a disgusting whore. It's like I was trapped in a cult, but all the Evil Cult Leaders were just me. Literally no one was forcing me to believe or do these things. I was doing it all to myself. I was making myself see crazy stuff.

My mother wasn't even doing it to me, really. She was too absent to actively do it to me. She was just enacting the cathartic fantasy of her own life and I was one of the supporting characters, a prop, a burden. To her, back then, I wasn't a real person who had thoughts and feelings. I was just one of the poor, pitiful "unsaved". If I'd been less sensitive and less imaginative, I'd probably have been strong enough to just roll my eyes at her antics, like my younger sister does now. (At this point, to be fair, I have to say that my mother is much improved now, though she does still believe that the world is run by the Illuminati and Lizard People.)

It seems a little funny now that I type it like that.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I think I just want to get some tips on how to stop making friends and then just vanishing on them. I feel a very strong urge to vanish right now. I start talking to people online, tell them about me, get to know about them, and then just change my name and start anew elsewhere. I wish I could stop. I really don't know if I'm in the right place, now that I think about it.

I'm so sorry if any of this was offensive or triggering. I'm sorry for unloading this all on you, wolfspirit. I just don't know how else to explain it.

[wolfspirit]

Quietly,
It seems to me that you were born with an "old soul." One of those people who can step back away from the situation and think, Oh, I totally know where this is headed.
Have you had any psychotherapy? You explain things from yours and your mom's perspective. That takes experience in objectiveness and understanding behavior and so on. Not so with me in my 30s! LOL

Do you ever feel as if you are still your child self? I do. I have periods of time, whole weeks, where I feel my child self just under my skin. Like I'm going to act or speak like a child.
I'm wondering if you run away from people as an adult because you had to as a child. You learned you were "weird" "sinful" "doomed" all that crap. Friends wouldn't want that. So you protect yourself from rejection.
I do that a lot, too.
I run.
I tell myself that it's easier being alone.

I heard the same sh*^ as a child. My father was a Born Again Baptist Minister. How's that for luck of the draw!
All that brainwashing stuff is evil. It hurt us. It WAS abuse because we didn't develop in a healthy way. Their choices, behavior, actions- they limited our chances for human connection, which is a hugely important part of feeling important and loved.

I can see what you mean by the abuse being "mild" comparatively. I would argue that they could've punished you in a less violent way though. A belt is a weapon. They used it on you to make you feel fearful. They used it to control you, but you actually needed to learn to control yourself. The belt is my worst enemy. I can't look at one or be around one. Even typing it is triggering me.

The interaction of your live-in chauffeur was non-threatening? Is that basically what you're saying? Did he initiate it though?
I understand that you didn't experience any violence during those interactions, but it had to be kept secret. If you were a child, your boundaries and exploration of your sensual self were crossed without your permission. That affected you.

I'm most likely crossing a boundary myself of delving into your personal experiences. I could be causing you to feel uncomfortable about it. I apologize if that's the case.

Instinctively, you know that the connections you have to other people are lacking something. You want it to be different. You want to understand why. You did experience things in your childhood that are outside the norm. Those don't have to be on some imaginary scale of damage-done. I think you should keep exploring how things affected you. You already know a lot about how you learn, what you like to do, what energy you hold in the ether, what you bring to relationships, and you are a mighty good thinker.

I say don't vanish. I'm interested. I'm listening.

ws

[dancingfish]

Hi there Quietly. :) Thank you for sharing on here, it's lovely to hear your words. A lot of your first post resonated with me, from being avoidant to Dragon Age and Skyrim. :D (I think I played every DA add-on, too.)

You can share as much or as little as you like, here. I've been here a while but I'm still working on speaking out more. That's a separate process going on as part of my healing, and dropping by to read bits and pieces suits me best for now. Such as your words, here. It's good not to feel alone. :)

wolfspirit has some wise words too. :) (As ever!) I once also heard this - that if something happened that affected us, then it matters. It's valid and it doesn't matter how we might think to compare it. I think neglect can be a terrible thing too, even "just" emotionally checked out, for their own understandable reasons, parents/caregivers. This, plus the world and those in it not feeling safe, is I think that's why I'm quiet at times. I have a strong tendency of avoiding people, or just gently disappearing back to where I'm most comfortable. It's been growing less for me as I've healed, though. A good t has helped me a whole lot. :)

Hope this finds you doing okay. And *you* are okay, just as you are. :) Best wishes to you on your journey, whatever form that may take for you!

[wolfspirit]

Just checking in on you, Quietly.
Hoping you're doing well.

<3
ws

[Titanium9]

Greetings Quietly,

I hope you will find the support you need here. It's tough being me. My head hurts multiple times a day. My heart aches. I hope you are not in so much pain.

Welcome

[wolfspirit]

Quietly,
Wondering how you are doing right now; hoping you have found a place of peace.
If not, you're not alone.
Still here listening when you come back~~~

ws