isurvive.org

The following may,or may not be useful to some members,but I promise you it is
utterly true: "How is it possible to lose a self? The treachery,unknown and
unthinkable,begins with our secret psychic death in childhood--if and when you are
not loved . . . .it is the perfect double murder in which you yourself also,gradually,
and unwittingly take part . . . .Oh,they accept you all right,but they want you or
they force you,or expect you to be DIFFERENT than whom you really are!
Therefore,you must be unacceptable as you were. You yourself learn to believe
this,and slowly but surely,even you take it for granted;you must leave whom you
really are behind. You have truly abandoned and given your TRUE SELF away.

This is not how things should be,children are supposed to be who they were BORN
to be,not some facsimile of their parents,so as to have the approval of said parents."

I know this concept is true because I LIVED IT nearly all my life until I started to
awaken in year 2000. Now,I am me,not their little robot.And I find I am so far
above them in intelligence,I look down on their stupid excuse for a personality
with great glee Ho,Ho,bloody Ho!
Kind Regards,
jimscarlet.

jimscarlet,
So very true- hadn't even thought of it that way.
No wonder there is so much pain in this healing. It is a long and uncertain journey back to who I was born to be.
Sadly, I have no idea and no intuition and no connection at all.
I sat next to a waterfall today, sobbing with the pain of loneliness. So much beauty and yet I don't belong there.
There are many "paths" of self-realization and spirituality practices and self-help books out there.
But they are all empty words to me.
I want to FEEL who I am. Not FIND who I am.

Thanks for sharing. I always like the energy in your posts. So honest and assertive.

ws

Oh,Dear Wolf,
So sorry you had to cry,but it comes with the territory I'm afraid. I did
myself a couple of nights ago . . .God I could fill a bucket if they were all collected!
I feel such compassion for you that you don't have an inclination as to your true self.
I am going to tell you something that may be of use to you in that regard. Depending
on the experiences you went through as a child,you MIGHT have went into a deep-
trance-state as I did (I was physically beaten often). This is a thing that nature
provides the child to do,if and when the fear/punishment/shouting etc.,is too much
for child to bear,so child goes into the trance-state,and now the pain is not so bad,
the shouting not so loud,and the parents are not the evil abusers they really are.
In short,it prevents the child from going insane with that real knowledge.

I was very fortunate,in that I went to a therapist who happened to mention the
term: "Adult-Child" when she was talking of someone else.I came away that day
and that term kept rolling around my head,though I knew nothing of this very
terrible state intellectually,I could FEEL this applied to me! From then on,in year
2000,I started to awaken from my trance;one tortuous veil at a time lifting from
my perception . . .so now I am 18! (I wish):)...Don't know if this will be of any use
to you,but if it is,please get back to me and I will help all I can.Meanwhile,little
Jim,sends 'little wolf' all love she needs.
COURAGE,
jimscarlet

jimscarlet,
I am only familiar with the concept of the inner child, stuck in a place of pain and terror because her brain wasn't able to process any of the trauma. I visit with her a lot. It helps to imagine little wolfspirit and talk to her or comfort her. Sometimes my t will come with the adult me into a memory I am processing and rescue her from the abuser. It really does help.

Is that what you mean?

ws

Hello Wolf,
Well,no,that's not what I mean.You mention child you not being able to
process the abuse. This is similar,if not the same.The child 'freezes',and keeps a lot
of the child's perception,feelings,fears,opinions,psychology,personality,etc., right
through rest of its life;so it grows up physically,but not in most of these other ways.

Let me tell you some of things I did,felt,feared,thought,etc.,to see if you identify
with: One of most painful for me (especially being male),was the urge to PLEASE
other people every chance I could get.Of course,then,people saw me as an easy
target for abuse and disrespect . . .it was like a compulsion;only much later did I
find out it was an futile TRANSFER from when I HAD to please parents to stay alive.
(Don't forget that word . .TRANSFER,children do it all the time).
Also,I found it very frightening to stand up for myself,becaussseee,we,in effect,
learn 'how to be abused',and we learn it very well.
Even though I was quite an intelligent
person,sometimes I would open my mouth and say something inappropriate for the
situation. And there was other things/opinions/feelings which again,I TRANSFERRED
from 2 stupid parents - -I don't say that just to justifiably criticise them,they really
were totally stupid and uneducated. Another really crippling thing I TRANSFERRED
was,ANXIETY. Again,people would see this and walk all over me,seeing my fear of
them. I think,maybe the whole thing for me,was,an overarching feeling of being
worthless. I would trust people too much and pay for it with their betrayal.
I would take disrespect when I should not have;I didn't trust my perception or myself.
I DIDN'T THINK I WAS WORTH ANYTHING,so everyone was BETTER than me----you see,
I was NOTHING . . .I used to write I was less that this . a full stop. That's how
low I thought I was. You see,the 2 loonies daily cry for me,was,"YOU STUPID BASTARD"!
And all this,prevented me from growing up psychologically into an adult,until that day
when I heard those 2 words: "Adult-Child".
I hope you can garner some help from this,
it is difficult to put a lifetime into one letter.
COURAGE,
jimscarlet

jimscarlet,
This does help me. It relates to what my therapist asks me a lot, Is this coming from your child self or your adult self?
I've learned to try and be aware of when I am struggling with anxiety, fear, loneliness, depression, to think about the roots of it. Is it coming from the trauma and abuse or is it related to my present life.
I can see how that shift in perspective helped you in your healing process.
I know it's hard to explain in a few words, but thank you for trying.

ws