Hello

[Iaspire]

Hi,

I am a survivor. I’m also a husband to an amazing woman & a dad to four kids who I am very lucky to have, although I don’t always feel like I’m worthy of them. I am trying to live as best as I can after years of repressing so many things. Those things all came back to me almost five years ago, I think. My wife knows exactly when it was. I am working again for the first time since those five years ago, but the career I began after plenty of failed attempts (due to low self confidence) to start a productive life is over. I’m just glad to be able to work again although it isn’t in the same field.

I made it through some hard & confusing years when I was growing up, first suffering from physical abuse from my father from my earliest memories until after he left when I was eleven. I was sexually abused from that time until I was thirteen. Drug & alcohol abuse were also forced on me during those years. After the abuse was over was the hardest part of my life. My family was torn apart & I lived my life with a lot of poor decisions & compulsive behaviors & was never sure who I was going to live with.

Before my father left, he was harshly critical of everything about me. He was a career military man & I think he was physically abusive to me because I didn’t live up to my namesake, his best friend, who was killed in Vietnam. I also think my father was the first person to groom me (a term I hate because all that implies is so horrible). I was a timid little boy &, according to him, was the “runt of the litter.” I hate knowing that I was an easy target for the other things I went through.

After he left, I was in “counseling,” twice a week at the elementary school which I attended. It was during this time that the other abuse began to occur, but I never told anyone about it for different reasons. Later in my life I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after having made more than one attempt on my life. Years later I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD & I suppose that I will deal with this for the rest of my life.

These days I am back to being the funny guy that my wife & kids had missed that I was before the “breakdown,” or whatever that was. I don’t flash back with the frequency or the intensity that I had before, & that goes for the very vivid dreams as well. I do have set backs. I am now off of the meds for my bipolar issue (with my doc’s blessing), but although my moods are less severe, I still have them. I am much better now than I was five years ago, & I hope to get better with each new year, but it’s still difficult at times. Sometimes I feel like it would be good for me to have someone who can relate to me to talk to, sometimes I just want to do some research on my own & sometimes I just want to forget & go back to my life of ignorant bliss, but I know that’s not healthy for me.

After having recently relocated to a different state, I am no longer in therapy. Objectively, I think that I will be okay now, but I know that from time to time it would be helpful to have someone to talk to so that I can get things off of my mind. It would also be good to have someone to talk to so that we can help each other to see all of the positive possibilities we have.

So this is the basics of who I am. I am hoping that this will be a good experience for me although I won’t be here daily. I had been encouraged by my therapist back home, before I left, to look into some online support if I didn’t feel like talking to another therapist. So I did some research & have chosen this forum as the place I will come to.

I am hoping for the best outcomes for myself & everyone here. Take good care everyone

[Jonesy]

Hi Iaspire

A very warm welcome to isurvive, glad you found us.

[wolfspirit]

Welcome, Iaspire
Thanks for sharing your current life's path.
Sounds like you've been through some very challenging periods and made it through. That's awesome.
We're all good listeners here whenever you want to share what's on your mind.
I have felt a lot of love and acceptance, and I wish the same for you.

take care,

ws

[quixote]

Iaspire,
Welcome. You express yourself very well. Keep posting.
Have you read some of the other posts? You may find similar themes in those other posts.
quixote

[Iaspire]

Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome & the supportive encouragement. I’m feeling even better about deciding to seek an online forum where I can feel at ease with discussing the things that I initially sought therapy for.

[wolfspirit]

Glad to hear that you're feeling more comfortable.
I have no idea why I called you TwilightGuy on your other thread. Sorry about that!

Hope your day goes okay.
ws

[Iaspire]

Hi WolfSpiirt,

No problem about calling me by the wrong name