My destructive behavior patterns

[reddinah]

This is a pattern I desperately need to break.

I haven't lived with my parents for over a decade now. I have been in therapy and taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds for eight years. Yet the physical and verbal abuse I suffered at my parents' hands has had long-term effects I can't seem to shake.

For almost a year I worked a boring yet well-paying office job that wore me down mentally and worsened my depression, so I stopped putting effort into the work and was eventually fired.

So I took the next available job I could find: as an assistant teacher at a preschool. That job was an absolute nightmare, and it taught me that I'm more like my parents than I realized. Parents who were dropping off or picking up their kids witnessed me losing my temper, speaking harshly to the kids, and grabbing kids to keep them from climbing on tables and shelves (the school had a strict "hands-off" policy). The parents complained to my supervisors and even threatened to pull their children out of school if I continued to work there, so the manager asked me to resign (she was a sweet lady and didn't want to fire me, so she gave me the option to go out on my own terms).

After that, I joined (removed) and began tutoring elementary school students in reading. It didn't pay much, but it was the best job I'd ever had. Working one-on-one with the kids was incredibly rewarding. Every so often, our supervisors had to monitor the tutors' interactions with the kids, and each time they told me I was doing an excellent job. So when my year of service was nearing its end, I put in a request to serve another year. Unfortunately, since I was occasionally late in picking up students from their classrooms, they turned down my request and wouldn't let me serve another year.

So I filled out an application for a substitute teaching license. That job suited me, as I could pick up shifts on my own time. I enjoyed the variety of teaching different sets of students every day. After dealing with a few too many unruly elementary school classrooms (and a few complaints from teachers about how I handled them), I decided I would only pick up shifts at middle and high schools. That worked... for a while. Then there was a disrespectful middle-school student who kept interrupting me while I was trying to take attendance. I told him to stop being an ass. And now I'm no longer a substitute teacher.

I keep losing jobs. I worry about paying my rent and being able to afford groceries. I hate having to ask my parents for money. I hate the tedious process of applying for new jobs, dragging myself to interviews, thinking/hoping I'd wowed them and gotten the job, then being disappointed when I don't. I'm a writer and have been published many times, but that doesn't pay the bills, and I've yet to find an agent willing to represent my novel.

I'd like to think I've come a long way from who I used to be, but this just keeps happening and I don't know what to do. I wish I could control my temper, show up on time, and be the employee I need to be. I feel like a defective human being searching for a cure that doesn't exist.

[jimscarlet]

Have not posted for long time,but did today with rage at parents, and what I suspect you suffer
from: "Addicted To Unhappiness",which is title of book you need to get,and will explain why you
keep doing the wrong things against your better judgement. What does the 'dirty' on us is the
SUBconscious,which is why we can never understand why we bring such misery upon ourselves.
I was very badly physically and verbally and emotionally abused too--my childhood was horrific,
and to compound it I was a sensitive wee boy,so abuse was multiplied many times over.
Please get the book,at least you will come to understand why this is happening to you.
Compassion+Courage,
jimscarlet

[reddinah]

Thank you, jimscarlet. I found that book on Audible, but haven't started listening to it yet (I'm currently listening to other self-help books I want to finish first).

I've been trying not to think about my failed jobs, because I don't know who I should be angry at.

Sometimes I'm angry at myself for failing so much.
Sometimes I'm angry at my parents for failing me so much.
Sometimes I'm angry at my employers who didn't train me well enough.
Sometimes I'm angry at the students for making my job harder.
Sometimes I'm angry at the parents for overreacting when I try to rein in a child who has clearly never been disciplined a day in their life.
Sometimes I'm angry at the incompetent teachers who leave me to deal with a rowdy class.

I don't know who's most at fault here. But maybe going for walks while listening to audiobooks can at least help me cope.

[quixote]

reddinah,
Kudos for hanging in there. Teaching is such a difficult job.
From my limited experience as a teacher, my favorite students were adults, inquisitive, persistent and patient. I loved seeing progress. Actually I found tutoring to be more satisfying than teaching. I miss it.
quixote

[reddinah]

I got a new job at a warehouse for a big company that manufactures electronics. I'll be taking inventory and keeping track of imports coming and going. This job will also involve some manual labor, which I'm just fine with. It will be a good workout. Plus the salary will be the highest I've ever made, and the benefits are amazing.

I'm afraid of messing this one up. How can I be sure I won't sabotage myself again?

[quixote]

reddinah,
Congratulations on your new job. Just do your best. We all make mistakes.
quixote

[wolfspirit]

reddinah,
No one can be sure what tomorrow brings, but you're motivated to succeed.
You're more than capable.
Find an ally there- maybe someone who knows you and is okay with keeping you aware of stuff like tardiness and feeling angry/frustrated. Just a suggestion.
Give yourself affirmations for finding a job. Then keep doing that as you work each day in a safe and healthy way. Focus on what you can do and not what you've done in the past.

You've got this!

ws