Saying hello

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

I very much hope with you that media don't sensationalize your report and perhaps jeopardize investigation. You don't need the attention along with everything else.

If your daughter is 3 or older, perhaps you can give yourself less of the blame? Would/ could any 3yo child be held responsible for allowing abuse? I really think you were not at all involved in making decision, and I trust very soon you can lay the fault where it belongs, with those adults.

Agree it is very confusing but that is part of the effect from abuse.

Think you are very wise to keep your daughter safely away from the people who hurt you.

Sending thoughts of calm and peace,

[Shirley]

Hi Xanthia,
Thank you for reminding me, yes your right I wouldnt expect a 3 year old to know so why should I expect that from me. That’s been a big thing for me but I feel like I have turned the corner on that aspect and it only adds to the anger. But I guess that’s better than blaming a child..right!?

Shirley

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

We each have our individual healing journey. Seems to me that being angry about the abuse happening at all is preferable to blaming your small child self.

In my case, I learnt to embrace a beautiful little girl who was upset and very confused. However, I could only do so after a lot of hard work and effort with a very helpful T.

May you find ways that are most helpful for you and young child self.

Here listening,

[Shirley]

Thanks Xanthia,
That’s one thing I can not grasp or know how or what to do. One of my uncles said to me “ you changed from being this happy go lucky cheeky little girl into this quiet never say boo kid”. I’ve never forgotten those words. I don’t know who I am anymore. That child, I don’t remember. She gone. And that’s the real me that I’ll never be again.

[wolfspirit]

Hello Shirley,
I haven't had the chance to read any of your other posts, but I just wanted to welcome you and reassure you that no matter how much pain you feel in these beginning stages of healing, things will fluctuate. Feelings, thoughts, realizations, fear, all of what our bodies are releasing to face the abuse, has a purpose and a goal of healing your wounds.
My father was also my primary abuser. He was a minister in multiple churches. Most of my childhood.
I understand. It hurts. It hurts our inner child. That's who I am trying to help heal.

I try to check posts once a day, so if you have any questions about how to understand or handle something, please ask.
I am 16 months into recovery, and I remember vividly those first 6 months.
You survived. You're here.

gentle hugs,

ws

[Shirley]

Hello wolfspirit,
Thank you for that welcome, and those words. If you don’t mind me asking and if I over step I’m sorry please tell me. How do you know how far into your journey you are? How can you tell? My abuse was released and made public by my ex emailing my father (his father was the main abuser) and telling him then it all became public 6 years ago. I’ve been down hill ever since and lost my entire family. I reported to police a few months ago but for 6 years I have been on a Down hill spiral like being hit by a truck slowly then continue backing over me over and over. I feel like all my “issues” are being highlighted for all to see and now I just stay home and don’t go out. Trying not to hate myself and the choices I made back then. That child I want back but I can’t find her.
Thank you for your words. If this place was face to face I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Shirley

[Shirley]

Since being on here I have felt some sort of comfort or a difference in me. I had been longing for so long to talk to people with similar experiences to me. So I joined.
I have shared a few things, but only what’s been said to my T. There’s so much more that’s never been said. I have questions. But I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to scare you all away and change the way I’m looked at. Yesterday in therapy brought up a few things and so much started snow balling I became so humiliated an embarrassed and confused. How much is too much to ask. I’ve held this for years and years. I’m bursting. But yesterday when it came out I feel disgusting and disgusted with what I perceived at what I thought and did for so long. I feel like the whole world is looking at me laughing.

[wolfspirit]

Shirley,
Ask me whatever you want to; no worries.
The beginning of the journey was very sudden for me. I wasn't fully aware of anything; just that my childhood sucked and my father was a nutcase.

In 2010, I started have suicidal thoughts and life was hard to live. For many years, I tried to handle it on my own.
It continued until 2016, when I wasn't feeling anything anymore. At all. Not even for my two children.
I was ready to die.
At that point, I'd been in and out of therapy for 20 years. I had finally gone on medication 12 years earlier, and it helped tremendously with my panic attacks, but not my depression. Both of the psychiatrists I've seen through the years put me on some heavy duty antidepressants, but they had not really stabilized it.

In June of 2016, my younger sister basically drove me to her therapist as a last ditch effort.
It took me until October to build enough trust with her, but even then, I wasn't really aware of what the source of the depression was.
She started bodywork / somatic psychotherapy, and that's when my body and mind started releasing the trauma it had held for 30+ years. Cognitive behavior therapy had not ever reached the trauma.
Flashbacks took over my life. Triggers were everywhere. I still wanted to die, this time just so I didn't have to accept what my childhood was.
I met twice a week with my T at first, since the PTSD symptoms were overwhelming.
And my psychiatrist added on another med.
So when I say that I am 16 months into recovery, I am talking about Oct. 2016 when the memories of the abuse came into my awareness.

I'm wondering if you are getting enough support in your recovery.
If your family has stepped back and you are feeling isolated, is your T helpful at all?
Have you tried different kinds of therapy? The talk therapy I did for years just didn't work for me. I couldn't get past the depression.
Can you go to any women's survivor groups?

You deserve to have as much support as you need. I'm sorry your family has been estranged. There's a good portion of mine that is, as well. We have to protect ourselves as adults so we can help heal the child in us that was hurt.

I hope you can find a foothold in that downhill spiral soon.
Sending thoughts of strength,

ws

[Shirley]

I’m just too embarrassed to ask I couldn’t bare it if I lost this place too. I’m too scared to say.
It feels awful and gross.
I have always known and remembered my abuse by my grandfather but kept it secret til it came out when I was 28 then started therapy. Which is 6 years ago and I’ve had flashbacks and more memories every since and since it came out was diagnosed with PTSD and since I reported a few months ago the flashbacks are unbearable and things I’ve never seen before. Few weeks ago I had my first panic attack. I’ve also been on meds for 6 years to try help the sleeping but nothing works especially now I reported.
And after yesterday I don’t know if a part of my flashback I keep seeing is my dad or grandfather.
So I’m not sure where I am on my journey I guess but I know I keep remembering more and more and I start gagging and feeling sick and can’t breathe.
I’m sorry I can’t do this.

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

You survived many things that no child should ever have to experience.

Take your time, breathe deeply, slowly, one step at a time.

Whatever is bothering you is OK to share here - the trigger warning, red for scary details, amber/yellow for more general but still upsetting stuff and green for when something is mentioned without details.

No way are we going to ask you to leave, just doesn't happen here when we speak about abuse, regardless of what it might be.

On the contrary, we'll attempt our best efforts to support you. Please remember none of us are therapists, we can only say from our experience and/or listen to comment.

You might be interested to know a few Ts have written about their personal issues and/or what has helped their clientele. We, you, me, everyone on this site, have all been affected by choices others made.

Healing is a journey - it is hard to estimate progress in my opinion because seemingly there is no end, especially when the memories start, flashbacks or other ways that our brain tells us it is time to put things aright. It does become easier to manage, it won't always be as if you were stuck at a certain place, age or however you experience reliving the hurt.

Sent with peaceful calm to help you sleep.

With care,