Saying hello

[Shirley]

I’m scared too. I don’t know what to do now. It’s killing me after yesterday what’s come back to me.

[Shirley]

I don’t know what’s happening with me. This is to much. The last 24 hours have been hell. Are flashbacks real? Can I trust it? I want to say what’s going on but I don’t know how. I’m so scared. This has thrown my world upside down. All because something I said in therapy. It’s like a nightmare but I’m awake and is completely different to the abuse when I was a young child.
I don’t want to trigger anybody or upset them.

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

Can only share from my experience. In my case, some seemingly very alarming flashbacks were not a true reflection of what actually happened - the setting was wrong, different people in the gathering who weren't in attendance, stuff like that. Some flashbacks were very much real.

IMO, the early flashbacks were surreal to get my attention, prompted my seeking help, then the real stuff started.

Triggers can be tricky, as we all get upset by different things. I hope you don't trigger yourself by writing here. It is alright to share snippets, what feels safe to say. It is totally OK to not share.

Please don't jeopardize the investigation - that is another consideration to factor into the already confusing mix for you.

Here with you,

[Shirley]

No it doesn’t trigger me writing here. I have felt welcome and a level of understanding I’ve never had before. I wasn’t sure how I would go with sharing stuff but I felt I could share some so I did. Kind of therapeutic in a way.
Mum mum left my brother and I when I was 13 I guess she got sick of being hit. After that my dad started walking around the house naked when ever he was home. Is that weird. I fought it up yesterday and something came to me that’s horrified me. I don’t know what to do with it. Ow. Why would a dad do that. I just don’t want to see what I see now.

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

Glad to know you are finding sharing here is helpful.

You say your mother left you with your Dad. Do you have contact with her? If so, are you able to share anything deep and meaningful?

It sounds like at least some of your Dad's behavior was weird. Domestic violence can adversely impact children.

New memories can horrify, disgust, or just make me feel sad, along with other things. One T told me that this was a sign of my moral compass and awareness that what happened ought not to have occurred.

Offering to sit quietly with you in a peaceful space.

With care,

[Shirley]

Thank you Xanthia,
Yes my mother i found after I turned 18 but we barely speak and since reporting she is not supportive. No body is.
My T seemed shocked and disgusted when I told her about my father, she said it’s sick and perverted? Saying that sentence, reminded me of a time after my mum left he started walking around the house naked. It was around my 14 birthday and my dad was laying into me and threatening to send me to live with my grandparents (my abuser).Then the flashback come along. This is completely different to the abuse I already knew of from when I was a lot younger. It’s really upset me. I don’t want it to be true but I can’t unsee it.

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

Please remember that your T might have felt strongly about what happened, but it would be around the abuser, not you.

At 14 or so, you were still too young to make consensual decisions.

I'm really saddened to know that you have little to no support since you reported everything.

When I'm needing to hear another person, I'll often contact 24/7 helplines. Mostly, I don't share about the horrible stuff, I find hearing them and saying why I've phoned - the real life present moment of nightmare, for example, is enough to calm me.

I trust you've kept up with your routine health checkups, as I discovered that my flashbacks were worse both in nature and frequency when there were unaddressed physical concerns. Some Doctors prescribe a short term tablet to aid sleep - as do some natural therapy practitioners. Lack of sufficient good quality sleep can undermine many aspects of life - as you are probably aware.

May you do something very soothing, kind and caring for yourself today.

With care,

[Shirley]

Hi Xanthia,
I’m just upset by the flashback that’s come from all that, in it I can’t identify who it is.
By then I had already been sexually abused from the ages of 3-10/11 so this has just thrown me.
A few days ago I was starting to believe it wasn’t my fault.
The flashback I can see now is bad enough, but I just feel embarrassed I didn’t know that dad doing that was wrong.
I just don’t want it to be true. I feel like it’s happened all over again.

Shirley

[Xanthia]

Hi Shirley,

How could you know what your Dad did was wrong? We seldom talk about our experiences in society as adults, let alone as children/teens. If your Dad was anything like mine, whatever he did was presented as normal behaviour between a parent and child. Being a "good girl" I complied.

Please resume believing it was not your fault, because all the responsibility resides with him, not you.

I sincerely hope the flashbacks reduce very soon.

With care,

[Shirley]

I just don’t know what to think now. Why did my dad start hitting me after mum left. Why did mum scream for my brother and I to help her when she was getting beaten. Why would a parent walk around naked in front of their teenage daughter.
At some stage during a beating I was hysterical as dad said he was sending me to live with my grandparents (my abuser) and I blacked out or can’t remember. Then he was naked. Then there’s visions I’d rather forget.
I’m in denial. This on top of my abuse as a child is too much to take. It feels like I’ve been hurt all over again.
Shirley