Hate myself!!

[Shirley]

Hi Angelina,
I’m new here too. Thank you for writing what you have, I know how hard that must have been. I understand feeling the numbness, the pain and questioning yourself. I get that.
I found looking around the site and reading other people’s stories and thoughts and feelings helped me feel comfortable. I noticed they do care and will listen and help if they can and that has made me feel like I’m finally understood somehow I can’t explain it. Give yourself time there is no rush for anything. Only what you want to do.
Peace.

Shirley

[jimscarlet]

Angelina,
The bottom line is . . . . .you want to let them win?
God-Force Be With You,
jimscarlet

[Angelina]

Jimscarlet
They have won the day they thought climbing on top of me and taking what they wanted for their pleasure, was a good idea. I’m sick of fighting the mental torture it gives me and The pain I give me now for letting them do this whilst they get on with their life’s.

[jimscarlet]

Angelina,
I'm afraid you totally misunderstand meaning of my post.
By 'letting them win', I meant in your life now,in your struggle to recover,
by never giving in,by standing TALL as good,decent,loving,human being.
I hope that clarifies things . . .fight the good fight!
Overcome,
jimscarlet

[Angelina]

Jimscarlet
I’m sorry I did understand I’m having bad days and feel like I’m loosing the fight and it’s their fault or is it my fault for not been able to get them off me.
You right need to fight this and not let them win x

[iwillthrive]

Angelina,

I hear your pain. I hear your self-blame. I often go there too. It had to be my fault bc it’s too scary to admit how helpless and vulnerable I was. Too scary to admit the real truth that the very people who were supposed to love and protect me were the ones who hurt me. I hear you.

It’s hard to move off of the self-blame. I still do it too at times. It has gotten a little less with time and lots of work with my T. But, it takes time. I finally broke down and had to admit that I was a small, helpless, vulnerable child unable to protect myself. I am grieving that part now. And it sucks to admit it.

You were a child and it wasn’t your fault. No matter what you did, said, or how you responded - you were a child. I’ll hold onto that for you until you are ready to accept it as part of your truth.

You deserve peace and healing and
self-forgiving.

iwillthrive

[Angelina]

Iwillthrive

Thanku for understanding, it is so hard to explain how I’m feeling especially when my emotions are everywhere.
I really do hate myself, i blame myself for what they did I constantly ask myself all the time did I deserve it, was it my fault, maybe I wanted it, I shouldn’t have had a nighty on, I should have been stronger to push them off, etc etc. My head hurts and I want it to stop.
I feel for everyone who’s gone through this and understand it’s not their fault but for me it’s hatred, vile thoughts x

[Harmony]

Dear Angelina,

I remember making a post as a newbie here many many moons ago with the same title. I remember feeling it so completely. I still get flashes of this feeling at times. Now it passes quickly. I just want you to know you aren't alone feeling this way. You are understood. This can change. There is a way out of it with hard work in therapy.

with care,
Harmony

[wolfspirit]

Angelina,
I think vile thoughts toward the people who hurt you is necessary to throw the blame back where it belongs.
I get it. I'm here with you, standing next to you, pushing away that self-hatred and blame. It isn't yours.

gentle hugs,

ws