I have feelings in my body and emotions that I feel and no longer think, my grieving begins

[pippen]

Hi all I have written so many draft entrys in my journal and saved here on the site yet I have found posting my words hard due to the newly aquired reassociated physical and emotional senses. Who knew emotions had physical expression? those who have no understanding look at me like im mad or worse with pity but i dont care too much, those are minor compared to the major affect of being flooded with moments or events that I have spent my entire life avoiding, and doing well untill September 2016 and like a warm wave washing through me I lost all my avoidance, denial and filters to the times in my childhood,young and present adulthood that for sanity sakes I repressed. I knew they were there just not in much detail, only that if I faced them I would lose myself completly or hate myself to the point of suicide. I know why death is a sweet option but my glue to this would my 1 year old kelpy/dingo cross puppy means that suicide is no longer an option.
It also explains so much of why I am the way I am. No touch in general, never had a relationship (no intimate moments, even with myself) and the self hatred and constant negative self talk.
I was sold and tourtured for 7 yrs, starting when I was five my father sold me after years of training me aged 5. I started my period when I was 9yrs old, and in this time when only aged 10 and 11, I had two babes ripped from me causing irriversible damage and leaving me carrying multiple soul deaths, moments that shattered my mind and destroyed any sense of being human.
I will no longer let them rule me, they have defined me for so long I fear my lack of identity may allow them further control but feeling myself when I was 7 between the assaults and knowing I felt I was not real let alone human and scared, terrorfied mum would find out and that meant her and my 2 older sisters death, of this I am certain, it was not just a threat they had caused accidents before and accidents happen real easy on farms, real easy.
My shadow memories, the last I do believe I've pushed deep inside are the sought of thing most can't or won't believe happen especially women being core roup me,bers and frankly the cruelest and most scary comparing to the men. they often created the group games like "old macdonalds farm" I'd be given a baby animal three options on the way i would kill it then they inserted it inside me like "pulling a rabit out of a hore" or "dance lessons" which was me twitching after they connected me to a truck battery with clips to my clitoris and a rod up my bum. I stopped feeling by 9yrs though the humilation and smell of my body burning was all the more incentive to hurt me.
the worst in truth was when my body betrayed me when the women raped me with their mouths. I still can't bear this cruel joke and the long term affect it has had on my fobia of touch and love have been my most devastating long term losses.
Now I feel I have no more hidden memories I can begin to grieve, and maybe one day experience love like a healthy women though I'm happy being my puppies mum for the time being.
I am not ready to talk about my darkest traumas yet though I know this is a safe place to ask for advise and others insights on how to process this level of harm.
I am sad to the point of shut down but I also know my body and emotions returning are a sign of healing, and the shame so entrenched is not mine anymore and that it naver was to start with.
I just turned 39 yrs old and for the first time in my life I can admit to wanting to experience love and intimacy without thinking this meant I am just like them. I am nothing like them, I will never be like them and will protect whom ever I see suffering at anothers hand or for their sick others amusement, I care about caring.
thanks for being here everyone,
Pippen

[Ashia]

Hi Pippen

I am so sorry for everything you've been through, all the pain and heartbreaking losses. You have been so brave in sharing your words here. It makes sense that you pushed away the sensations in your body and all the emotions, and it takes courage to experience them now. You have made lots of progress and little by little, you will continue to. I hope you can feel proud of what you have already achieved.

This is a public forum. If you would like me to move this thread to a forum that isn't public, do let me know.

With caring
Ashia

[wolfspirit]

Hello Pippen,
You have immense courage within you to not only have lived through the pain you endured, but to share it with us on isurvive.
I am sending you peaceful and caring thoughts as you continue to heal, and I'm inspired by your strength in taking back your life.

wolfspirit