Hello and thank you for the chance

[reisha]

welcome to our safe lil corner of the web

sorry to know what ya been thru; glad ya found us
as stated, many here can relate
there is much understanding & support
may ya find healing here

[Banana]

Hi Danda

I hope it's ok to ask but do you have anyone in 3D who knows what happened to you? Do you have any supporting you? As 1000 miles said, the survivor to thriver manual can be helpful. I've not used it myself but have heard good things. Personally, I have found therapy so very helpful. It's so powerful to be able to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings with someone who genuinely cares about me and wants nothing other than the best for me. It's special having someone walk this journey with me. Therapy isn't for everyone and like most things, you do need to be open to it for it to make any difference.

I don't know how much reading you have done around this site. There are lots of threads and you may well find others here have written about similar experiences. You may find some benefit in starting your own thread. When I first joined here, I think most of what I wrote was question after question! That's ok because there's always someone who'll bounce ideas around with you and share what has been helpful for them. I have found the process of writing really helpful if only to get things clear in my mind. Also, there's an area on site with various articles and blogs on different topics. I've linked to it below.

http://isurvive.org/articles-blog/

I hope at least some of this is helpful.
Banana

Edited once - apparently I can't spell my name!

[iwillthrive]

Do you have a therapist? Someone you can completely trust to share your story with. You can share here as much as you want but a professional who is trained in dealing with trauma is a very good idea. Ignore if what I'm saying isn't helpful.

Being here is huge first step in really dealing with your trauma. Congratulations for reaching out.

Wishing you peace...iwillthrive

[Danda]

thank you for the reply - I told mum when i was 12 and her answer was 'i know' apparently everyone knew, but no-one actually cared. i told my husband when I met him, that I had been raped as a child (which was obviously just the tip of the ice-berg) over the years I have opened up to him and he knows alot and is great. I just feel that it is too much for him to take on his shoulders (even though he says it's not). I worry that he sees me in those situations, I think it's in his head when we are together (well it's in mine - so why wouldn't it be in his). i have spent my whole life believing I am - quote "a little slag" - that's what they said - they said 'I loved it' - it wasn't true, but all these years later it is still replaying in my head.
I have never had therapy, I went to uni and studied psychology right upto PHD level (docorate) to try to understand myself - I undertand others, but not me. My husband says when I talk about my past - I become childlike - i know the theories, I understand the books, but relating all this to me is impossible. I can't talk about this to my friends and if I speak to a doctor, i could loose my job. I can't suffer openly - Much as people say they are understanding in the professional world. I don't believe them. I found the easiest way to deal with this was to blame 'me' and for over 35 years this is how I coped. I believed their words. If I go for therapy they will know - it will be on my records, I will be weak. I don't want my kids to know. I don't know how to keep up this front any more.

[Jonesy]

Hi Danda

A warm welcome to isurvive

[reisha]

hi danda

oh, wow. found myself nodding at so much of what ya wrote. understand all the fear. the fear of ***folx KNOWING***. i think its wunna the ..... things our abusers knew, & know - working w/in that larger context-framework - 'it'll be on my PERMANENT record'. its TELLING SECRETS! airing dirty laundry - all those things a dysfunctional family, a dysfunctional society instill in us. it'll RUIN yer life! ya'll NEVER be able to work again!!!
in sum circles, the stigma still looms large. & the fear ends up winning, & the cycle continues. dysfunction remains.

theres a part-a me that wants to tell ya to not be afraid, to seek a professional guide thru this stuff, to not worry wtf's on yer records - (if its the truth, isna that ok?); i hafta re-mind myself that im considerably older, my working days are behind me, im old & cranky & dont give a f*** what folx think anymore.
&, it grew to be too much for me, to keep hiding, to keep pretending
i would spare anyone the suffering i put myself thru
but im not you; yer healin'll be different than mine.

sendin MUCH understanding & support

[Danda]

HI Reisha,

what a lovely message - it made perfect sense. I am 50 next birthday and have worked in the mental health field as a psychologist for many years - there is no way they would let me keep working if they knew what i was going through and then I would have to explain to family etc why I wasn't at work. I know I need help, which is why I am here. My husband has been great, but I really don't want my kids to know, the shame is too much

hope to talk to you again soon

danda

[fight4me]

Hi danda

If ok
I would like to give you a safe hug

You are in a hard position with work
An I am sorry about that

I am glad you have come here
We will support you all the way
You are not alone
You can say as much or as little as you like

Here supporting

Fight4me

[Danda]

HI fight4me

thank you for the reply,
safe hug gratefully received, i need to get it all out - i just dont want to bore anyone with my sh*t.

danda

[iwillthrive]

you won't be a bore to anyone. we are here supporting you and listening to as much as you want to share.
'
offering a safe hug if wanted.

iwillthrive