Hello

[Bh]

Hello,

I am new here.
I am not sure
I go back and forth
No conscious memory
Very intense feelings (1 fear 2 pain 3 struggle or anger)
I am exploring
Im used to these feelings
Im facing the feelings w therapy
Holy crap
Feelings more than i can handle
But im progressing
Got into mindfulness
A good vehicle
Could this simply be the bipolar illness that ive had for 20yrs
Or maybe truly sex trauma trigger , or both?

Well, this is why im here. In addition to therapists helping, to see if anyone can validate some weirdness the way i explain it. Or knows what i am trying to express

Thx. Best to all. Will be in and out sporadically on this site.

-Bh

Oh yeah . . I am a dude fyi

[Bonnie]

Hello Bh, I want to say welcome but since I don’t feel at home here myself yet, it would feel pretty strange. I hope you’ll like it here though, and that you’ll find what you’re looking for. I personally think this place needs more people, so I’m glad you’re here, and I hope to see more posts from you

I don’t have bipolar disorder but my emotions can change very quickly if something triggers me. So I’d think that the best way for you to know the reason for your emotions is to think about what triggered them to change. From what I understand about bipolar disorder (I’m not an expert so take my words with a grain of salt) is that your emotions change without no real reason besides the disorder itself. When it comes to trauma, something specific has to trigger the memories or feelings (that’s how it is for me at least). Perhaps it could be both, like you said.

[Jonesy]

Hi Bh

Welcoming you to isurvive

[Bh]

Thx for your reply, bonnie

Yeah it is confusing to say the least. A trigger is sex. Bad feelings , anxiety, sensitivities, usually starting a day or two after. It could be the chemical changes. It could be early trauma, so my psychologist of 1 year says. I am just trying to explore myself with no labels to see what i can manage psychologically and what i need meds for. Two therapists now dont see real signs of bp in me - they see a lot of anxiety in me. Staying w meds of course but open to possibility of finding parts of self that may come back to me If i can transform and heal from sex trauma that i have no definite memory of.. im trying to get validation wherever i can because i dont know of anyone in this kind of situation i can talk to

[ajei]

It's good to meet you Bh.

ajei

[Bonnie]

Bh, if I understood you right, you’re not exactly sure if something happened or not. Is that right? If so, sex triggering those emotions could mean that you’ve experienced abuse. But I don’t think that’s the only possible explanation. If there’s no other explanation that comes to mind, I don’t think you should question possible abuse too much since that can be very damaging and be in the way of your healing.

[Bh]

Thx bonnie! Helping me already!
Maybe i should reduce my analytical mind thinking, but i wonder how one heals without knowing what happened. Like how would one bring unconscious feelings to conscious mind ? I guess therapy... but how to validate? I guess i am looking for validation. Because i have fear that what is my reality is really not my reality. (Stillfear from psychotic break 20 yrs ago)
Working on this with therapists but a bit confused with 'trauma or bipolar' still.
Btw thx for reply and maybe i can try to give you input on something

[Bonnie]

I’m glad to hear that I’m being helpful. I don’t know when to shut up though.

The difficult thing about not remembering is that there’s so many possible explanations. But I think that if you have the feeling you were abused, then you probably have that feeling for a reason, and abuse is a likely explanation. Am I right to assume that we’re talking about abuse in your childhood? In that case perhaps you can remember other things related to what might have happened, like warning sings and stuff like that. I remember that I changed after what happened to me, I got scared and upset when people tried to touch me, I got angry and defensive very easily. Abuse doesn’t always affect people right after it happens, but if you remember sudden changes that’s a strong indication that something happened.

[Xanthia]

Hi Bh,

Great to know you have a helpful therapist.

When I suspended diagnoses, I began to change my self perceptions. Trust you can keep working well with your health professionals, making the changes you desire.

Wishing you a much more positive future.

May you find all the peace, understanding and support you deserve.