Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
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Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
I've worked hard to get the happy family I always wanted. I love and adore my husband, I have great kids, and a life most would be happy to trade for. I'm happy overall but right now I'm angry too. I'm 46 and love/hate my mother. She was abusive, physically and emotionally. I've never experienced sexual abuse but my earliest memories are of being beaten. I don't know why I kept a relationship with her except I have some weird attachment to her. I hate it. Right now, I hate her and I want to cut off our relationship but I'm not sure if I should. Not sure if I can. She is old now and ruined my brother who lives with her. He is 40 and never married. She controls him totally. He is her butler and he has given up on having his own life. My mom is rich and takes care of my brother financially so I understand why he accepts it. I do not take money from her. I wanted her to know I keep a relationship with her out of love, not because I want anything from her. She has been divorced twice and was a mess both times. My father divorced her right before I was born. He let me be adopted by her second husband when I was 3 so I never knew my biological father until I was an adult. I met him when I was about 25 but didn't keep in touch because she drove me crazy with jealousy so I stopped contact and then a few years later he died. My adopted dad told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again after he divorced my mom when I was 17. Both my mom and adopted father had anger issues and beat us but my mom was worse to me and my father was worse to my brother but they both beat us both. My mother is trying to control me now and stopped talking to me for a month to "teach me a lesson". Makes me remember all the bad things I try to forget so I can get along with her. I don't know what to do but I'm getting madder about it all everyday which is how I found this site. I was looking for direction. Any suggestions?
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
Hi KimLvsVb,
Welcome to isurvive, it's really good to meet you. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here as you work through this pain.
ajei
Welcome to isurvive, it's really good to meet you. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here as you work through this pain.
ajei
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
Dear KimlvVB,
Glad to meet you. I am sure some other members will be glad to speak with you soon. I relate to a few things in your story divorce and money control. Gratitude and great guidance from a wonderful therapist have helped me grow. Have you found good professional assistance? You are in good company here.
with care,
Harmony
Glad to meet you. I am sure some other members will be glad to speak with you soon. I relate to a few things in your story divorce and money control. Gratitude and great guidance from a wonderful therapist have helped me grow. Have you found good professional assistance? You are in good company here.
with care,
Harmony
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
I had therapy a few times in my life when I was really unsure of what I was doing. I had a specific agenda and worked through issues to achieve my goals then stopped because I reached resolution. I always ended on good terms with the agreement of my therapist. It helped tons but each time the therapist asked when I would be ready to work through the issues I had surrounding my mom? I told them I would not because I needed to be able to get along and had balance the way things were. They seemed to understand and agreed I was ok to stop therapy but I could come back if I needed them again. I went to therapy with my mom when I was about 19. She insisted and assured me that her therapist was wonderful, she could fix us, and she was ready to deal with the truth of our family life. When I agreed to go, my mom lied, denied, tried to tell the therapist it must have been a bad dream and said those things could not have happened because she does not remember them. The therapist believed me and my mom quit going to her saying I turned "Bonnie" against her. It was bad and I have no desire to repeat. It's so hard to go to therapy and the cost is hard to justify. Would be easier to just cut mom out of my life. Ugh!
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
Hi KimLvsVb
A warm welcome to isurvive.
Write. That's a suggestion. Writing always helps me.
And there's usually someone around here who has useful words to respond with.
Thinking it sounds like your mum is important to you, despite all that's happened. If so, you will find a manageable way forwards and the work in therapy will be worth it.
A warm welcome to isurvive.
Write. That's a suggestion. Writing always helps me.
And there's usually someone around here who has useful words to respond with.
Thinking it sounds like your mum is important to you, despite all that's happened. If so, you will find a manageable way forwards and the work in therapy will be worth it.
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
KimLvsVb,
Welcome. I do understand a little bit about the love/hate relationship with a mother. It can be quite complex and not easily understood by others.
quixote
Welcome. I do understand a little bit about the love/hate relationship with a mother. It can be quite complex and not easily understood by others.
quixote
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
Hello Kim (is it okay to just call you Kim?) I can really relate to some of this, a lot. But no stepfather was involved, and the abuse was never physical. The emotional abuse though, sounds very similar. I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for here. My advice would be to have as little contact with her as possible.
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Re: Hi, I'm new and admin said this is good place to start
Hi KimLvsVb,
A belated welcome to iSurvive.
You might find some suggestions regarding anger and/or the love/hate response towards a parent in various threads here.
Self soothing and our positive transitions forum have ideas you might like to adapt to your circumstances.
I find the trick with anger is to safely release or otherwise deal with strong feelings. Then my head has room for other issues.
May your health professionals assist you with processing emotions around your mother and perhaps other people.
May you find what you seek and deserve on your healing journey.
Warm regards,
A belated welcome to iSurvive.
You might find some suggestions regarding anger and/or the love/hate response towards a parent in various threads here.
Self soothing and our positive transitions forum have ideas you might like to adapt to your circumstances.
I find the trick with anger is to safely release or otherwise deal with strong feelings. Then my head has room for other issues.
May your health professionals assist you with processing emotions around your mother and perhaps other people.
May you find what you seek and deserve on your healing journey.
Warm regards,
Xanthia