Is it a good idea to talk about it in relationships?

[grjules]

Is it a good idea to talk to your partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/close friend about your past trauma? If so, when? Beginning of the relationship? or when you know that person well enough?

Sometimes I think letting someone know about your past can be burdensome. For you and the other person as well. In a way, you are forcing them to understand you. You sort of have the leverage. I don't want that. I really want to be on equal ground. The trauma definitely affected my psyche and relationships.. But is it OK to talk about it? If so, how and when??

[reisha]

thats a hard question to answer.
my best reply is 'it depends'
i dont think 'dumpin' it in a new relationship is productive (from my own experience) - there has to be ... enuff of a bond already formed b4 sharin.
sumtimes, it can ... feel 'dishonest' to NOT share, & i get that.
genreally, i think tellin it in bits, a lil at a time is probly best.
im reminded of one relationship where the person was VERY interested in all the gory details. i dinna know it at the time, but that person was a VERY bad 'mix' for me.
its also hard to give bits w/out .... seeming ... 'coy', if that makes sense.
trust yer gut, yer instincts, yer intuition
sorry this is so scattered, & probly not very helpful.
oh - & welcome to the site!
i hope ya find the support & care ya seek here
i look forward to gettin to know ya

[Serenity]

Hi grjules,

Very much agreeing with reisha's "it depends". I think that this is a very personal decision.

I, personally, wouldn't discuss my past with anyone that I don't know and trust. Which means that aside from T and here on isurvive I can count on one hand the number of people I've given any information to.

I'd say trust your gut. If you feel safe talking to someone have at it. At your own pace, of course.

With care,
Serenity

[thispixiechick]

Hi grjules!
reisha, I'm sorry you had such a difficult time with an unkind partner.
I have to agree with both reisha and Serenity. There are certain aspects of my childhood that I still haven't been able to tell my husband, simply because it is still too painful for me to tell him, or anyone. But over the 3 years we were dating, we both told each other bits and pieces of our childhood, good and bad.
Again, as both reisha and Serenity have said, trust yourself and wait until the time feels right for you and for the other person. There are some people that can't handle knowing that another person has suffered as a child.
~Pixie

[grjules]

Thanks Reisha for your input. Must have been hard to push out the bitty details to that person! and thanks for the warm welcome.

Thanks to Serenity & Pixie as well! Yeah I am sensing it really depends on maturity of the person and how much you trust that person.

I'm really touched how everyone here is so warm and supportive!

Maintaining close relationships has been difficult for me. For all of my life, I never really had anyone including friends/family members who knew my struggles and pains, simply because I wanted to appear well put together. And I did a very good job at it. But inside, my anxieties and fears were being neglected for so long. And anxieties growing bigger as time goes by..

I am experiencing emotional turmoil as I dig out the past. But I know it is something I need to do and share a bit to close friends in order to be at least let them understand you better about how you think and feel. I guess talking about it also helps you to heal too.. (but not sharing every details of the event itself but how in general it's affecting your life as an adult)

But it's hard to know when and how you should talk about it . I guess it differs with everyone...! Life really is not easy

[reisha]

wow.
thats a GREAT insight/'general rule' ya stated w/ this:
. (but not sharing every details of the event itself but how in general it's affecting your life as an adult)
im gonna 'steal' it.
cuz i think yer rite - the details arent nearly as important as the IMPACT. so, maybe kinda 'gloss over' the details - sumtin along the lines of 'ive had trauma/abuse in my life, & it affects me when <x> occurs'
thanks for that 'tip'!

[recover]

hi grjules,
this is a tough one. like reisha, i like what you said.
i was married for 23 years and got separated 3 years ago. i do want to start to date again and i have no idea how to handle this issue. so much of my energy and life is about recovering from this dissociative disorder. and i have no idea how to ever be close with someone without letting them know. so i have no answers but i sure can relate.
take care,
recover

[grjules]

Hi Reisha! thanks for the feedback! It's encouraging to know that my insights/ words can help others even in the slightest way possible.

Dear Recover, so sorry for all your hardships! It must have been really difficult to end twenty yr of marriage. It's good to know that you are having hope to be in a relationship again.

Through this experience I'm beginning to see we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people (including me). I amalso starting to understand how people have different maturity levels. Can't really be so critical about it since I guess everyone is fighting different battles in different stages in life. I know at times it's really difficult to respect that. I need to learn how to deal with negative feedbacks/response or affect i can get from sharing my story to others. I am scared but I guess there are more benefits from sharing than keeping it to yourself because of the risk of pain. Regarding "how", I have no idea. Like people responded to my post, "it depends"!

[pandapaw]

I think there is an argument for being completely open as doing the opposite runs a risk of drifting into 'keeping secrets' territory.

I'm not in a relationship right now, but T and I have come to the conclusion that 'full disclosure' is the only way to go. Anyone who can't cope with my past hasn't got a hope of coping with me now! The two come together as a package - it would be like buying a vacuum cleaner without a nozzle, to use a rather strangled analogy.

How and when you approach the subject - if you choose to - could prove difficult. Forcing the subject could make them withdraw and then you feel your past is not being validated, which makes it worse than if the subject hadn't been raised at all. A very difficult call. Wishing you best of luck.

[Xanthia]

Hi grjules,

Welcome to iSurvive.

Agree with "it depends". I used to spill everything to almost every person who was kind to me. Not good. In fact, deplorable. I wasn't respecting either of us. Since I've shared meaningfully with therapists, I no longer have the need to say very much.

I have found appropriate snippets, comments when media cover child neglect or abuse or whatever is relevant to my experience can be helpful in determining whether a person might be right for me to continue friendship or more. Depending upon their response, I can choose whether to offer more details, keep quiet or allow them to share about their childhood, if they so desire.

Please continue sharing here as you find helpful, particularly as another thread suggested you are waiting a few months before commencing therapy.

You might like to read some of the ideas on the forums: Our Positive Transitions and/or reading suggestions to assist yourself.

You sound a very busy person. May you schedule daily/weekly time for self care.

Warm regards,