Hello, I am new here. I am a 35 year old woman living in the UK. From my earliest years I experienced verbal emotional and occasional physical abuse from a parent. I witnessed spouse abuse againsty my mother who was terrified of our dad. I suffered years of bullying, exclusion and rejection from my peers . I also had some mild-moderate incidents of sexual abuse from various different people at different points in my childhood and teens. Even as a child I displayed self destrutive behaviours, rage, anxiety, OCD, insecurity. By time I was 16 I had developed symptoms of borderline personality disorder- diagnosed in my 20s. I have had a problem with binge eating since a very young age.
I have got to a point where I can acknowledge what happened to me were resal memories. My sister and mother who also suffered confirmed this. It happened to all 3 of us. But what I struggle with is that as an older child I was a difficult and horrible kid. I feel i deserved some of the abuse that happened to me from age 8 onwards. Not so much the stuff as a young child but the stuff later on. I must have been partly to blame. The abuse was excused as "well, you ask for it."
I hate myself I really feel I'm horrible and feel full of shame and social anxiety. I come across as bolshjy, aggressive and fiery but in relationships with tjhose around me, I am on my guard, and actually quite shy. "No one must get close to me" " they say I'm nice but I'm a fraud. dirty disgusting" are thoughts which go through my head constantly. I have hair trigger temper. Feeling people don't believe me, trust me, or are mocking me are common paranoid thoughts. I am on medication and have had some therapy but I am struggling at moment.
New here- a bit of background
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy
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New here- a bit of background
Last edited by Serenity on Sat Mar 04, 2017 12:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to NT
Reason: Changed ST to NT
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Re: New here- a bit of background
hi joannahopeful,
welcome. i am sorry for all you have been through and that you are struggling. i think you will find caring and support here.
take gentle care,
recover
welcome. i am sorry for all you have been through and that you are struggling. i think you will find caring and support here.
take gentle care,
recover
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Re: New here- a bit of background
Welcome to isurvive, joannahopefull.
I hope you will feel believed, supported, and cared for here. You are worthy.
With care,
Serenity
I hope you will feel believed, supported, and cared for here. You are worthy.
With care,
Serenity
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Re: New here- a bit of background
Thanks. I am at a stage where I am still unsure whether I deserve love and support- my brain keeps saying I am overreacting to what happened?
Last edited by ajei on Sun Mar 05, 2017 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: changed trigger from MT to NT
Reason: changed trigger from MT to NT
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Re: New here- a bit of background
It's good to meet you joannahopefull.
ajei
ajei
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Re: New here- a bit of background
Hi joannahopefull
A warm welcome to isurvive. It's good to see you around
A warm welcome to isurvive. It's good to see you around
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Re: New here- a bit of background
Hi joannahopefull,
Thinking of you today, hoping life has more positives than down times for you at present.
With care,
Thinking of you today, hoping life has more positives than down times for you at present.
With care,
Xanthia
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Re: New here- a bit of background
joannahopefull,
You are not overreacting. You are coming to terms with what happened to you.
quixote
You are not overreacting. You are coming to terms with what happened to you.
quixote