New member

[TRB]

I don't really know how to begin. I am 43 I have 3 kids and I've been married for 25 years. My mother was a heroin addict and we were mostly raised by my grandparents. There were 9 people living in the house. My grandfather was a high functioning alcoholic and my grandmother was bi polar and given to sporadic rage. One aunt was 450 lbs with the mental capacity of an 8 year old. The other aunt was jealous and hateful to me because she wanted her son to be grandpa's favorite. I was in charge of the younger kids and was held responsible for their actions. When grandpa was home I could stay close to him and be relatively safe, but when he wasn't there the women were angry and fairly violent. Punishment usually was a beating with a wire hanger or flyswatter handle, an extension cord, or a 1x6 paddle. There was no structure to it and it lasted until they were tired. I've watched the anger escalate to knife fights and gun play. I grew up scared of women. When I was 11 my mom married a drunk who decided I needed more discipline and worked me to exhaustion and then choked and beat me into submission. I was denied access to the military on two attempts to get in and have raised my family working in construction. I suffered anger and depression the point that I attempted suicide and my anger got so bad that my wife had to make me leave for the well being of our children. I sought out professional help and have had 3 different doctors diagnose me with battlefield level PTSD and major depression disorder. I have tried the meds and they make it hard for me to functioning to mention that I don't want to be medicated I want to be well. I do smoke pot and that seems to help calm the emotional roller coaster but will I ever feel good. Will I ever be able to sit with my back to the door or enjoy a concert without concern of an anxiety attack. Will I feel like a good father or will I spend the rest of my life feeling like my mind took so much time that I failed my kids. I want to be whole

[Jitterbug]

Hugely brave first post, TRB. Thank you for sharing. And hello.

I am so sorry for the hell that you have been through. Hopefully you will find some comfort or help in the supportive and friendly community here.

Wishing you luck on your journey to feeling whole.

Warmly,

Jitterbug

[Harmony]

Hi TRB,

Glad to meet you. Welcome to isurvive a community that is great for support while you heal life's hurts. There are lots of great people here. Look forward to seeing you around.

with care,
Harmony

[ajei]

Hi TRB...it's really good to meet you. Take care.

ajei

[Jonesy]

Hi TRB

A warm welcome to isurvive

[TRB]

What should I do next

[Jitterbug]

Good question. It can be a bit strange to find your way at first on a site like this. My only suggestion is to sit with being here, perhaps reading others' posts, finding the forums and threads that most resonate for you, settling yourself into this environment and wait until you feel you have more you want to say or ask or express. How it will work for you will come from within, I guess, as you grow more familiar and get to know some of the people here.

Just my thoughts. Do disregard if they don't strike a chord or feel helpful to you.

Here with you,

Jitterbug

[TRB]

Very helpful thanks

[Jitterbug]

[Serenity]

Loving what Jitterbug said here!

Especially this:

How it will work for you will come from within

There really is no "should". You get to decide what/when/where to post here.

Take care,
Serenity