I hope to find some sort of help

[Wednesday's Child]

Like a song stuck on rewind.....I get hurt over and over and over again. Different faces, different places but same old scenes.

Someone I thought of as a friend lied to me. I was used....again. Betrayed....again.

I put all my hopes and desperation on an interview only to find out it was a SCAM.

Is it me ? Or is there a sign over dysfunctional people like that says 'hurt me, harm me, destroy me...do what you will....free for all' ?

I hurt.

[Wednesday's Child]

The culture, background I live in has its good points and bad points. Unfortunately, there are always predators ready to twist it to their advantage.

A skulking lion stalking the grazing doe is how I would describe it.....we are the PREY. Is it a crime to speak the truth ? We are dysfunctional....how can we be normal ...what is normality ? Cash, Car, Credit Cards, Condominium, Certificates (I guess these days its the appropriate university degrees) perfect JOB, perfect relationships......yes in my culture.

I grew up knowing I was never wanted. I was described as a burden, having the intelligence of a dumb animal and as worthless as dust. Although I think even dust has its use. Can anyone confirm that ? No, its not self-pity...its the truth since I am a colossal failure at everything.

My younger brother (6 years) was born extremely dyslexic with ADHD, he was written off as stupid, having bad blood. My father would disappear with him for hours, doing what ? Mother certainly didn't dare to ask. Oh by the way I guess its alright to ply a 3 year old with hard liquor since he's already stupid and wouldn't amount to much anyways. Yes he was an alcoholic by 25. I have no idea where he is.

My upbringing, culture, society demands that we respect our ELDERS etc.....

MY NEIGHBOR FROM HELL

a. Moved next door to me in Feb 2016. Ex-military, early 70s with all the arrogance he can muster up. Immediately sized us up - 2 women, 1 blind and crippled and the other the proverbial Old maid. Most importantly, no menfolk around, hardly get any visitors and no money.

b.His brand of terrorism began with him cornering me as I came out of my apartment, when I tried to get into my home, at the garbage shute, at the mini-mart......

c.He would begin with a tirade of how bad my life is (TRUST ME I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO HIM). Every conversation I discussed with my mother in the privacy of my home would be dissected by this creature. My only defence - shut every door in my home, close every window.

d. My few friends (female) stopped visiting because he would corner them - how ? he placed a chair blocking the narrow passageway to our apartments (side by side). You would have to brush against him or ask him to move to get to my apartment. He would make unnecessary comments to my friends.

e. Soon we became prisoners, mom and I would look through the spy-hole on our front door before leaving the apartment. To make sure he wasnt around. My mother was the next target, a faithful christian (her faith is all she has) she spends her time listening to sermons, teachings and music. He would mock her by saying "God has no time for you", "Stop wasting your time", "Do you think he's listening to you" ? She refused to leave our home for anything.

f. One sunday, I cracked....I told him what I thought of him. Mother said it was wrong.....we didnt do things like that....so I asked for a meeting with his son and daughter in law. His daughter in law listened patiently then said I didnt know how to handle him, he's just being sociable, he's an old man..blah blah blah blah.......yes its my fault. The harassment lessened then stopped.

g. I spoke too soon, 2 weeks he had the audacity to ask the Fedex guy what he was delivering to my home and where was it from.

h. He would come out of his apartment to spit at my balcony.

Why dont I move ? I am quite destitute being unemployed for more than a year and have no where to go. People tell me there are others in worse conditions than me.......

I hurt, I am in pain. I cant even cry.

[dalx]

You sound like you are in so much pain. I hope you can get a voice for yourself and fight for you little one inside cuz it sounds like shes hurting alot and afraid to take steps toward change (as we all are) That is the effects of trauma on us, it just keeps replaying over and over... Until we do the work of healing and see that we dont have to live life this miserable as we are now.
Sending you hope love & strength
Dalx

[Wednesday's Child]

I hate myself. I lost control.

It started with my neighbour - the 'old man' ........that was last wednesday, I messaged his daughter-in-law. He did it again and again.

I called for an intervention....insisted on a meeting with the 3 of them - son, daughter-in-law and dad. Son and daughter in law came looking bored.

I laid it out, I asked them 'did I do something to him or to any of them" They said no looking at me as if I was speaking klingon. I asked them for an explanation.

I am the problem. I am making a mountain out of a molehill. How come others dont complain ? I am too sensitive. He's just an Old Man.

They mocked me. Asked me to take care of the problem myself.

Tuesday, he does it again and I went ballistic......surreal....it was like watching someone else take over. I have never used profanity yet it flowed like poison out of a scorpion. I wanted to hurt him. He laughed at me. Mom came, stopped me and rang for the in-house security.

Security cautioned me - I should have called them instead of ranting and raving at the resident. They filed a report about him. I felt sick, physically sick after that incident. I hated myself.

His son came knocking on our door after receiving the report...I didnt want to talk to him. I couldnt even go out of the apartment. I didnt do anything wrong!

Maybe I did.....civilised people don't use profanity, scream or shout.

The only 'good' thing - security confirmed that they had seen him hit on women especially when they were alone.

[dalx]

I think you did the right thing reaching out to his children and meeting about it. But they don't seem to be very open to hearing anything, and they were wrong for putting it on you. You should be able to feel safe in house and it is not at all ok/appropriate how your neighbor has been acting. Its a good thing that he was reported. We cant go back in time and do things different and eating ourselves up for reacting in a bad way will put us down further and not help. But we can go forward to try to learn from our mistakes. You deserve to feel safety in your home. I hope they do something about it and If not I hope the way his children devalued what you said doesnt stop you from speaking your truth in a respectful manner.

[Wednesday's Child]

Courage.

Where do you find courage when you need it most ?

I am a coward.

Has anyone ever felt the way I feel right now, a million thoughts running through my mind. No direction, no focus, just frenzied memories and thoughts.

And it is pathetic that in an over populated country like mine, there really is no one to talk to.

[dalx]

I definitely relate to feeling stuck in a dysfunctional cycle with no ability to stand up for myself and get out... and yes when we dont heal our trauma it keeps repeating over and over in different ways in our lives. We are attracted to disfunction without even realizing it.
And about feeling alone in a world filled with so many people... I definitely relate. Pain is so lonely and isolating. And when we reach out and get a negative reaction it scares us to stick our head out of shell again. But we need to find safe good people. Going to therapy and having a smart and trustworthy therapist has helped me get past so much and given me the courage and ability to stand up for myself.
Lotsa luck! <3

[Xanthia]

Hi Wednesday's Child,

You are a Survivor, for which I am both happy and sad. Happy you found your voice by sharing here. Sad that you experience violence at all.

You're right - no child deserves to be abused. Adults ought to feel peaceful, as well as safety, especially in their own home.

May life have improved for you since your previous writing.

As today is your birthday, I take this opportunity to wish you a very happy celebration of your personal new year. May today begin a beautiful 12 months.

Sent with peaceful thoughts and the hope that you soon have people with whom to share, plus whatever else you'd like to help you on your healing journey.

Warm regards,