Eventually have to deal with it

[Pastina]

Hi. My name is Pastina and I'm new to isurvive. I'm a survivor of a few sexual abuse incidents and child neglect, which made me feel my entire life that I should not exoect help from anyone. However, for the sake of my 9-year old twins who may have recently been exposed to sexual abuse, I must now confront my own ghosts.

I've heard from various therapists that my child abuse experiences may affect the way I respond to my children's, making it difficult for them to confide in me. I've also been told by my husband and a few therapists, that I may over-react to my children's possible sexual abuse. Though they believe, too, that at least one of them was sexually abused, they don't seem to be as upset about it and I am.

I never acknowledged my own abuse until my daughter starting acting out her own. Then, I thought that I acknowledged it as "water under the bridge." However, if my reaction in reality is actually hindering my children's recovery, I know that I need help. Though, I don't like to ask for any help, I ask for their sake.

I know get Jonesy recommended that I go on this forum to just say hello, but I just couldn't go about it that way. I know that I'm a result oriented kind of person and just sticking to a informal/nontransparent intro would take more time than I can deal with right now.

I hope someone understands. I'm actually terrified to even go down this road because I don't know what I'm going to discover. It's like jumping into a black lake, not knowing what's under the water. All that l'm sure of is that I'm going in the right direction.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I'm really not use to anyone listening go me so that will be very new to me, too.

There, I did it! Hello!

Pastina

[Jonesy]

Hi Pastina

A very warm welcome to isurvive and much kudos on your first post. Most of us will relate to that fear of falling down the rabbit hole and so will hopefully be able to offer support as you explore your path.

[SweetTea]

Hi. Thanks for sharing. I relate to what you are going through so much. The reason I found the need/motivation/courage to start getting help was because I knew I needed to for my kids. You are indeed going in the right direction. I still have a long way to go, but the most healing I have experienced has been in my relationship with my kids and I'm so grateful. Just keep taking the next step and you will get there.

[ajei]

Hi Pastina...it's good to meet you. I know lots of us will relate to your fears. I hope you find the support and care you deserve here.

ajei

[freefromlies]

Experiencing a strong emotional reaction to something you said.

I've also been told by my husband and a few therapists, that I may over-react to my children's possible sexual abuse.

The feeling is anger. Currently recovering repressed memories and reexperiencing trauma in fits and the idea that anyone could over react to sexual child abuse makes me want to rage. My experience is that the trauma is always worse than you want to believe. Why repression?

It is a tragedy that doctors, therapists, family and friends play down your trauma keeping you in doubt about what happened. Only you know.

It's like jumping into a black lake, not knowing what's under the water.

For me it is a black hole at the core of my being. In it is my trauma and perhaps other things I would prefer to not look at. I am finding smoking marijuana responsibly helps me get closer to it by relaxing my body and mind. In this way I have been successful in releasing some emotion in the context of my trauma. This is real healing.

[Pastina]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses, especially you, Freefromlies. I'm sorry if my post triggered painful emotions for you. However, I needed to hear what you had to say, that my feelings about sexual abuse should make me angry. Yes, everyone around me has been downplaying my feelings, making me doubt myself. At times, it feels I must be going insane that it bothers me as much as it does. I find myself -- what I call "looping." Whenever it gets to be too overwhelming and I feel all alone with it, I start doing searches through Google to justify myself. Sometimes, I lose a few days at our my life falling off required chores and feeling guilty about everything because of falling behind, but I just can't stop myself until in utter exhaustion and despair, I put it on a back burner once again until a new trigger starts this cycle all over again. I always try to tell myself that won't happen again and perhaps it would not if I could remove myself from the world.

I tried the pot smoking escape many years ago. It got me into NA as my drug of choice. When I went through my denials, I was informed that marjuna is emotionally addictive. Recently, I started a dream journal. Getting high was easier, but I'm trying to stick to it. It's in my dreams where these memories lie dormant.

[freefromlies]

Sometimes, I lose a few days at our my life falling off required chores and feeling guilty about everything because of falling behind, but I just can't stop myself until in utter exhaustion and despair, I put it on a back burner once again until a new trigger starts this cycle all over again.

This also happens to me but recently I made a pact with myself to eat three proper meals a day at regular times as a non negotiable no matter how lousy I feel. Since I structured my day around eating properly have had breakthroughs with my healing.

I tried the pot smoking escape many years ago.

I have had positive and negative experiences smoking marijuana. If I get the dosage wrong I become comatose but if I get it right I can use it to approach my trauma in combination with mindfulness meditation but am very careful about how I do it. Have actually had marijuana induced catharsis in the past month. The combination of mild marijuana, meditation and music has released pent up emotions in short outbursts. This feels so good!

Recently, I started a dream journal. Getting high was easier, but I'm trying to stick to it. It's in my dreams where these memories lie dormant.

Our motivations are similar: accessing the personal unconscious to bring the trauma into consciousness. Personally do not understand my dreams they are too ambiguous but reckon that the personal unconscious including the body is a far more reliable source of information about your trauma than the thinking mind.

You do have to deal with it but remember the part of you than cannot deal with it is your smaller self not your bigger self.

[Jayne]

Hi Pastina

Yes you are right as soon as we have kids we begin to overreact at lots of things. I have a 19 year old boy and a 16 year old girl both wonderful very talented young almost adults now. It seems after all the years of my denying the demons in my head it is now coming out. Like you said my kids are starting to see it now that we confide in each other as adults now they see my weaknesses my anger issues my lack of control. That is why I am here also.

I just have to be clear now to be the man my children need as the move on in life...

you are not alone Pastina

[Jayne]

Oh and to you all weed , alcohol , and everything in between I have been there done that.
In the end I feel all of it is just a band aid to a deeply hurt soul ..

[reisha]

welcome, {pastina!} <-- safe hugs, if ok(?)

just saw this thread & thot i'd stop by to welcome ya.
i found myself noddin at much of what ya wrote - can relate to it all too well.
my hope is that ya find value & healing, support & comfort here.
i look forward to getting to know ya