Cleanliness question

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Booklover
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Posts: 279
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 12:55 am

Cleanliness question

Post by Booklover » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:29 am

Ok I have a strange question and I am probably really odd and the only one that does this.

Everything I’ve read or heard about victims of sa is that they are obsessly clean washing all the time and keeping the house/room really tidy. I am the opposite. I feel safer if there are things on my bedroom floor and find that when the house is really tidy (which I do try and do because it’s what others want) I feel more nervous and panicky as though someone can sneak in and hurt me.

In the same way I will often go days without washing as if I smell no one will want to have sex with me. Also even when I do wash I still feel dirty so don’t see the point as I always feel dirty.

I know I am discussing.
Booklover

I will become a survivor not a victim

Gentle (((((hugs))))) 🤗if ok

iwillthrive
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Posts: 1326
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:34 am

Re: Cleanliness question

Post by iwillthrive » Fri Mar 15, 2019 3:18 pm

You aren’t disgusting. You have suffered great trauma and your responses make a lot of sense. I tend to be a nervous cleaner. What I mean is that things are usually very tidy for me bc it’s one of the only ways I feel in control of my life. And, when I get really anxious or nervous I spend that energy cleaning and organizing. So your reactions make sense and so do mine.

Be gentle with yourself. iwt
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Booklover
Member
Posts: 279
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 12:55 am

Re: Cleanliness question

Post by Booklover » Sat Mar 16, 2019 1:30 am

Thanks iwt
Booklover

I will become a survivor not a victim

Gentle (((((hugs))))) 🤗if ok

sarahoknow
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Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:49 pm

Re: Cleanliness question

Post by sarahoknow » Sat Mar 16, 2019 3:01 pm

You aren't disgusting booklover. You are brave and courageous and wonderful for admitting that you aren't the cleanest. And you know what, neither am I and it's very much down to what I went through I think.
My Auntie always insisted that I was clean to the point of obsession ( or abuse you could say) with regular baths (often while she watched me, just to make sure I cleaned myself properly). She then progressed to insisting I needed cleaning inside as well. So that meant being put over her knee and given an enema.
I had to be completely clean in Gods eyes and it was her 'duty' to ensure that I was.
So now I too go days without a wash, wear the same clothes and leave things messy. It scares me sometimes still that I do that with our Lord watching but I feel the defiance against my aunties regime is part of my moving forward.
So I say do as you please booklover and care nothing for what others might think. It's you that counts.
Hugs and blessings x

Booklover
Member
Posts: 279
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 12:55 am

Re: Cleanliness question

Post by Booklover » Sat Mar 16, 2019 6:14 pm

Thanks Sarah good to know I’m not the only one.
Last edited by Harmony on Sat Mar 16, 2019 6:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content or language.
Booklover

I will become a survivor not a victim

Gentle (((((hugs))))) 🤗if ok

sarahoknow
Member
Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:49 pm

Re: Cleanliness question

Post by sarahoknow » Sat Mar 16, 2019 10:50 pm

This is definitely one of those times that it can be said that you are not alone.
Right there with you as a messy kindred spirit 😉 x
Last edited by Jonesy on Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content

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