finally telling my darkest moments has lead to pride not shame

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pippen
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Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2017 7:05 am

finally telling my darkest moments has lead to pride not shame

Post by pippen » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:14 pm

I have been truly warmed and welcomed to this amazing community of gentle, strong and safe human beings. I learned many years ago when I started nursing that every bodies story/experience is the most important because it's their story. As my story is the most important to me as it is my story. And this applies to pain and trauma. As an ED nurse and working in child protection and with young offenders in the Juvi Justice system years ago I quickly realised that we are beautiful innocent and real humans. They were monsters we were not No matter the way you were hurt, it is important to see you inside that pain as the pure child you were (and in my case often return/ regress back into).
Though today I said the words I have run from my entire life. The true unsanitised truth about the tourture I suffered and the shame about how my body betrayed me even during the sadistic cruelty. I have carried these alone for the better part of thirty years. I have never had a relationship and they took away my ability to have children and my deep shameful loneliness due to not being able to comfortably touch others. But I want these basic life experiences. I'm 39 in January and I've only experienced violent intimate touch. In fact in the past 6 weeks I have had 2 hugs and shook a hand.
I think I may be able to one day hold a hand or lay beside a man I trust and love. But for now I feel hope in simply knowing I faced my darkest putrescent shame and stood my ground and spoke my truth out loud to another human being who never once looked away (even when I sobbing asked him too) because all he said he heard was the courage and pain of a innocent blameless child. And he has only ever seen a human being no monster before him, so why look away. I have slowly started to share my story on the our story forum which has been amazing and supporting. I am not ready to share with you all my words I spoke today, but through the humiliation I felt free and proud both rarely glimpsed, yet mind and heart energizing with hope.
Surprised at my day,
happy my pain turned into courage and grateful you are all out there supporting,
Pippen

Ashia
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Joined: Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:42 pm

Re: finally telling my darkest moments has lead to pride not shame

Post by Ashia » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:18 pm

Hi pippen

I'm happy to hear you feel welcomed here.

It's great you were able to share your words today and experience another person recognising the courage it took for you to do this. Keep going as you are, in your own time. It's absolutely ok to share as and when you feel ready.

With caring
Ashia

recover
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Posts: 15786
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: finally telling my darkest moments has lead to pride not shame

Post by recover » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:52 am

hi pippen,
so glad to read your words.
so much courage...
with support,
recover

quixote
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Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am

Re: finally telling my darkest moments has lead to pride not shame

Post by quixote » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:48 am

Pippin,
Your story is important for all of us to hear. Keep posting.
quixote

1000miles
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Posts: 411
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:19 am

Re: finally telling my darkest moments has lead to pride not shame

Post by 1000miles » Thu Oct 12, 2017 10:09 pm

Hi pippen,

Congrats on the milestone. So glad you had a positive, healing experience!

1000miles

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